Today I’m left wandering
As my thoughts keep on pondering
What direction shall this life I lead go.
So many words and fluttering
Caught in a rainbow made of gold.
Maybe I’ll ask my friend Crow
For maybe just maybe he,ll know
Which way to go.
All of this paint and words from the saints of.
What colours do you see, as I set them free?
So many thought of haves and have nots.
How it all started I plainly forgot.
But know we are here and things are quite clear.
In a blink if an eye we all disappear.
So love what you have and take what you’ve got.
Give only the good for the bad has it’s spot
And frankly my dear I’ve heard it’s quite hot.
Thank you my friends for coming to see
The poetish painter., just me…..B.
And remember to always.
Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.
As the stars track clockwise through the heavens I’m reminded of these new changing times. Reflections of my past giving chase to tomorrows memories and dreams.
For whom shall I be now that I am once again free to be me, who is this knight of pure heart and black soul, Cast down from the heavens eons ago. Left to wander these time in paint and prose. Of lovers lips and and sunken ships that have sailed so long ago.
I search for myself amongst these things we think we need and wonder how and why and who am I.
I’m left with lineage, love anguish and tremor. Pain and paint,passion and woes. But this my friend is where my garden grows. From ashes and fire from human desire. These are the things I’ve become. Of drink and desire and maddening rage, one name, one word my love for I am he.
Benjamin,.. is all that I be.
It’s funny how life changes us… We hunt and gather the things we think we need all our lives surrounding ourselves in a big plastic bubble. Looking out at the world as it spins by at speeds often times faster than the mind can fathom and then suddenly stops. Leaving us crashing about in our self made bubbles.
The recent events of my life have left me feeling this way more so than I could ever hope to eloquently express in words or paint. As I watch the dust of the life I thought I had settle around the life I have left I often wonder why, and what for does all this madness of the heart mean. Lost souls crashing about in their ( our ) bubbles hoping blindly and at other times with great foreknowledge that future things will be more great or somehow better than the day before….
As I sit in the studio rummaging the remnants of my old life, picking up the pieces I’d like to carry forward to the new I wonder….. For what purpose…. I read a story about hope this morning that has got me thinking a great deal about these things, all to often I feel broken, tired, misguided and lost in my sea of colour and words. Emotions spilling over into the common lives of those around me…. I stand dripping in wonder and dismay at myself… Have I arrived or wandered so far off track that I’ve lost all hope of finding the child I seek. Is he, am I buried under the weight of a poetish painter. Or is the poetish painter the boy I seek. Am I to be that hope and star for others or to myself when at times all I see is the blindness of the nothing I see in front of me…… That endless stream if random floating choices… Door two, no three or four… Pick one!!! Pick six doors!!!!? At times I wonder if it even really matters which door we pick or what colour it is. As the outcome often feels the same as we ( I ) travel down these same paths again and again until we finally find that light switch that’s been hiding in the dark all these years.
I have to say today….. I hate this new life… I hate the loneliness of it. I hate the fear if it and the constant change of it. To go from hopeful and blind to scared and alone and thus back again full circle has made me bitter and tired. Yet I’m forever hopeful.. Seems like a self fulfilling collision course with disappointment at times. Disappointing myself, disappointing those around me as I blindly stumble through this life searching for a light I’m not even sure is still on…
Any how that’s enough rambling from me this this morning/afternoon and evening. Today I’ll hide from the world and paint my heart, spill my soul and vanish in the night to hopefully wake again tomorrow with a new sense of hope. Now for paint:
Reminiscent of Rothko meeting Dali on the moon as the blues fade and block into what will be a dividing line a moon floats gently just above the waters edge casting a shadow that finds itself wrapped around and transforming… Not unlike myself at this moment.
The face… Thoughtful and pondering, the form female and full always just out of reach.
It’s funny how if we look at something from a different perspective it looks completely new
** all of the pieces shown here today are unfinished and subject to complete and utter change but that’s life right…..it’s funny..just an observation.
As always try… To be brave… Be bold… And thrive in the life you have.. For we never know when things will change..
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray The Lord my soul to keep
From darkest dreams and silent screams
From all these thoughts
In endless streams.
Complex verse and curses terse
Please spare my aching heart.
The pain that echoes the fear
Shadowed by the unknown gives way
To only a brighter day should the sun
Ever truly rise in these blue blue eyes.
As I lay me down to sleep
The knight time demons begin to creep
In frozen hip and tongues that slip
Into the nothing that is tomorrow’s
Tomorrow resting in today’s dreams.
Stay these things of dreams, for the
Day comes so quickly and the moon is a lifetime away.
Many of you know about some of the most private details of my life at this point..
Some of you would even say I’ve over shared…
I guess that’s the beauty of what happens here we all have a choice. To come together under a common bond and share the joys and
sorrows of each others lives. Some to comment, some to watch from the shadows and judge. Either way I made a decision when I first started
blog to be open. Many people forget that this site didn’t start as an Art blog but as my personal journal cataloging my life and struggles with coming to
terms with Young Onset Parkinson’s disease. This journey has taken me around the united states and abroad I’m happy to say I’ve shared every step along the ways, the good the bad and the very ugly personal truths of my life that in reality many of us share in common but would never put out there the way I do.
I’ve said it before and Ill stand by it. I’m a man, no different than any other with the slight exception that I paint and write my heart and soul for all to see. I end 99% of my posts with a kind word. And I pose some hard questions and thoughts because I believe that one man and one voice can change the world.
Art and words have lost their meaning and I will not stand for it another second. For if YOU will not Be Brave and Be Bold or Thrive in the life you have….. I will. If given the chance I would take your hand and shout your name from the roof tops to show the world your brilliance and compassion. Live your words or don’t use them at all. At this point I’ve lost all of it. My job, my career my home and my family and Ill be dammed if I’m going to silence my heart and soul now.
I just received word that I’ve been accepted into a local art co-op. 4 floors of prime down town retail, commercial and loft living space. A place that is positioning its self at the edge of creating an new feel a new scene thriving and ready to make Art believable again. Any person can put brush to canvas, lead to paper and glue a stone to a ring. But only a few can create through there passion to express that love, fear and strength through their art. So again I say…to you.
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have… No… life is not easy for any of us. But if I can live through the things I’ve seen, done and had happen to me then you can too. I believe in you. I’ve seen your strength, beauty and passion.
That’s all I’ve to say. Namaste Benjamin 1970-current “A life in progress”