Pretty easy to say not always easy to hear the answers. But honestly I’m not here today to talk cancer or Parkinsons directly. I’m here to just talk about life. I’m really missing the human connection today. I was invited out to lunch today by a friend and that was awesome so I got some human time but of course the topics were cancer and thankfully traveling. Though it did make me miss the days where Parkinsons and rocky romance was the biggest issue of the day lol. I’d take twitchy and heart broken over chemo and radiation therapy any day… Grrrr C and P sneaking into the convo…
Restarting, Hi today I walked a lot and thought very deep thoughts on life and what it means to me to be alive here now as a biological machine full of broken bits and vital pieces doing strange things. I thought of these things this way as a means of isolation from the moment. Giving myself the separation from anxiety of cancer and Parkinsons. See now we can say those words and it’s okay. Having the freedom to observe this self as I really am is horrific but needed. I’m struggling through this day by day and the really heavy part hadn’t even happened yet lol. My throat hurts so bad today. And here I am finishing typing this post and just pondering how we even as a race survive. Each human has such an amazing story to tell. As I walked around my town looking these strangers in the eyes thinking none of these people have any..zero idea what I’m going through,the biggest fight of my life…..Then I thought … I…I don’t know what any of their stories are either.. Honestly at that point I realized it was time to walk home. I’d like to say I’m ready for this next chapter in my life but I don’t think we ever really are. I think that’s part of the reason we go through these things in our lives is to teach and prepare us for the next wave of life for lack of a better term. The stages in life never change they become more ambiguous as we get older they become less marked in time, first grade, Jr. High, college. All bookmarks in time. Chapters in our lives that communally we recognize as similar and relative as a shared life marker. When you get out into the less traditionally time measured life factors , buys car,house, first big kid paycheck, first big kid car crash, death in the family, kids start to come or for some they come first then comes the stuff and “home ” not house, there’s a difference. Here I am at this strange place so completely crossroads. I’m trying to find my warriors stance, my emotional footing to fight this huge battle with cancer all do I can go back to Parkinson’s disease. I’m still going to be or feel single, alone I’m still going to need carers and I’m still to be me. The strangest part of today’s thoughts were simple where do you keep the parts of you , ones self that they don’t want ruined by life. Lol. I refuse to give up. I’m not going to let cancer kill me now and I’m not going to lay down for Parkinson’s disease. So the universe and I really talked today about my place in it. I know I need to paint and write. But I don’t think I’m going to do it from here much longer. Ever since my Dx with Parkinson’s I’ve viewed my idea as shorter which for all practical purposes it was , is. Then divorce,lose of family,house,kids ect… The stories are the same no matter what the words. Life comes and does what life does it changes stuff around. Gives you that final exam when you thought it was mid terms ya know. Cancer changes you whether you want or expect it to or not. It’s made me reevaluate every aspect of my life. Sorry..sigh… Again it’s hard, communicating. I process through my verbal centers very strongly and spending these days so much time along has made it really hard to communicate effectively at least in my head things sound off lol.
Sorry to have lost track there. Moral of the story. Be true to yourself, cancer has shown me that time really is short and that life as we, you and I people can be taken back from you or it can make you literally fight to simply have the right to one more breath. Think about that shit right there. I’m no longer chasing the dream of kids,house,car,job. I’m chasing the dream that I’ll get to open my eyes one more day and breathe. So yeah, gf’s and normal this and that 1.5 cars and cat/dog it’s really all trivial. This soul. Me: Benjamin michael Prewitt I require two things to thrive in this life. I need soulful connection to someone for it to be anything and I need contact human to human touches. There have been multiple studies done on babies that lacked human embrace as a child or young adult and its a tangible results in statistics humans need companionship. Any how I guess my feelings of loneliness isn’t done yet. I wish all that are reading this please take the reigns of your life. Guide your choices correctly towards the happiness you seek and you shall find it. ***hate it when forget to hit post.
Okay good morning,night and afternoon.’ It’s now Saturday 5a and it’s time to clean,paint,watch cartoons, write a will you know stuff to do lol.
Much love and light.
A life in progress.
Those who know my silliness will giggle at this tittle. I find it interesting that here I am just past the eve of my diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease sitting alone on the sofa digesting the fact that I’ve cancer… Squema sarcoma of the tonsils and mid throat. They say it’s localized thus far but I’ve yet to have my PET scan so thruth be told we don’t know. But I’m trying to stay positive though I must admit life has really kicked the shit out of me since my dx with Parkinson’s. Granted for many different reasons some not entirely in my control a lemon snickets of sorts. Bad choice upon bad luck and timing. Have lead me here to a land of my own devices. They say that if you leave your demons unchecked long enough they will become you and you them. Often I wonder if that besides giving life to my beautiful son is not the reason I’m here this last and final time. My fears that have infested this being since its birth. Fears of being left, being alone , of being forgotten and scared. Feeling of doubt and worry mixed with the fact that I’ve been conscious in the shell since before I had words to express it, has been a living hell. My teen years spent so terrified that my thoughts could be heard in every laungage so much unbridled passion and yearning to be understood to be treasured and loved, accepted for the ever evolving human I was and am.
Breathe ……. These words flow like the liquid river of free form thoughts that they are, I struggle to time, to talk click and phrase as fast as the words fall from the sky but I can only catch so…. Many…… At once…….. Breathe ……… Oh my dear lord in heaven forgive my sins of a man,this man ,your soldier since birth. Given wings as a child and sword as a man and wings by death,cursed to never feel whole…. These written words of love and joy,hope, fears and promise of medicine science,faith and the fear of dying….. So many words to describe this process of life and death….
Long pause while I make dinner…..
I’m going to post his as it is for what it is. Mistakes and rambles alike. I can’t write or speak in a voice any more true than the one in my head and heart. So for today, tonight my table for one is set as I dine yet again in my solace of heart watching ass kicking Chinese fighting films lol.
Cheers and much love I’m starving.
Always. Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.
Yes I shaved lol, didn’t want radiation to mess up my beard 😂😜😂
its funny how even under immense
pressure and anxiety
if one looks for it there is a calm
A whitehot light just sitting there
bright and at one in the center of the
Waiting in the nothing of the present moment.
Is there anything more lonely than the
ever persistant now.?
no past no future
no hand holds when things get rough.
one more time..
I woke in panic not knowing where I was or what had happened,… Then it all came rushing back as if the seas themselves opened up and swallowed me whole. Slowly, my eyes focused and I wept like a baby for this life wasn’t a dream nor a fantasy. It was mine and I had some very hard choices to make.
Carefully gathering my strength of heart and courage. I wrote my lists, thought of the things I’d pretend to do to pass the time. Things to occupy my mind so deeply that it dare not wonder, I dare not think of losing the great train or how it stopped so unexpectedly. Dead in its track. Warnings to soft to hear under its great roaring engine. So full of passion and pride. Yet I, as her conductor had forgotten the true strength and beauty of our union. I grew fearful of her strength, speed and determination. I fogot I too was not just a passenger.
Was it just I this conductor of the great train that caused this crash?
Could it have been just one man’s fault? Knowing the complexity of the great train I think not. But each morning I wake to the same state. Each night I polish he faded dreams with tears of truth in hopes to someday polish the shine in her lights and caress the dents from her frame to once again travel the tracks of life with a view from her windows. Or shall I forever live in regret and sorrow.
To be continued. ..
Next: Day 9 the struggle cont.
I’m writing again as you can see. Honestly I’m not sure what else to do. I should be swimming and gardening with my love. Having birthdays and welcome homes. But life has forced me to reexamine everything I hold dearest. I’m not ready to give up I’m not sure how to be honest. I told myself after the loss of my marriage, children and career that if God, Allah or Winnie the Pooh gave me another chance at happiness that I would not so easily take leave. Not give up on LOVE, not when I can still feel it’s heart beat. Not when….Anyhow that’s far more information than nessasry. Consider it the ramblings of the Ropinerol.
Goodnight and as you dream may angels guide you home.
I’m fearful of loving for I bare my soul to quickly.
I search to deeply and except
Less than I deserve .
For I feel I deserve nothing.
I feel nothing anymore at times
But fear of being alone in my bed,heart and soul.
But mostly I fear the deathlights
Coming and finding my hand empty of love.
A heart cold from mistrust and
Tainted by the memories of my life
Forgotten as a child
Brutalized as a teen
Lost as a young man
And destroyed as grown man.
I try so hard yet fail time and again searching
for the answers of my life.
All I’ve ever wanted is to rest safely in the arms of my Angel
And simply rest my weary mind,heart and soul.