As the stars track clockwise through the heavens I’m reminded of these new changing times. Reflections of my past giving chase to tomorrows memories and dreams.
For whom shall I be now that I am once again free to be me, who is this knight of pure heart and black soul, Cast down from the heavens eons ago. Left to wander these time in paint and prose. Of lovers lips and and sunken ships that have sailed so long ago.
I search for myself amongst these things we think we need and wonder how and why and who am I.
I’m left with lineage, love anguish and tremor. Pain and paint,passion and woes. But this my friend is where my garden grows. From ashes and fire from human desire. These are the things I’ve become. Of drink and desire and maddening rage, one name, one word my love for I am he.
Benjamin,.. is all that I be.
“Written once and spoken a thousand times in my heart”
Many of you know about some of the most private details of my life at this point..
Some of you would even say I’ve over shared…
I guess that’s the beauty of what happens here we all have a choice. To come together under a common bond and share the joys and
sorrows of each others lives. Some to comment, some to watch from the shadows and judge. Either way I made a decision when I first started
blog to be open. Many people forget that this site didn’t start as an Art blog but as my personal journal cataloging my life and struggles with coming to
terms with Young Onset Parkinson’s disease. This journey has taken me around the united states and abroad I’m happy to say I’ve shared every step along the ways, the good the bad and the very ugly personal truths of my life that in reality many of us share in common but would never put out there the way I do.
I’ve said it before and Ill stand by it. I’m a man, no different than any other with the slight exception that I paint and write my heart and soul for all to see. I end 99% of my posts with a kind word. And I pose some hard questions and thoughts because I believe that one man and one voice can change the world.
Art and words have lost their meaning and I will not stand for it another second. For if YOU will not Be Brave and Be Bold or Thrive in the life you have….. I will. If given the chance I would take your hand and shout your name from the roof tops to show the world your brilliance and compassion. Live your words or don’t use them at all. At this point I’ve lost all of it. My job, my career my home and my family and Ill be dammed if I’m going to silence my heart and soul now.
I just received word that I’ve been accepted into a local art co-op. 4 floors of prime down town retail, commercial and loft living space. A place that is positioning its self at the edge of creating an new feel a new scene thriving and ready to make Art believable again. Any person can put brush to canvas, lead to paper and glue a stone to a ring. But only a few can create through there passion to express that love, fear and strength through their art. So again I say…to you.
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have… No… life is not easy for any of us. But if I can live through the things I’ve seen, done and had happen to me then you can too. I believe in you. I’ve seen your strength, beauty and passion.
That’s all I’ve to say. Namaste Benjamin 1970-current “A life in progress”
So often when I paint I let things flow, I’ve spoken about it a number of times. I do believe that there is a relationship between the paint and I. It’s not always about me imposing my will upon the piece but a true symbiotic relationship between the paint and I. I’ve been up since 2:30a after catching a few hours of sleep last night. I must say I’m very excited to bring you today’s update. Yes there are still messy edges that need to be refined, and most of the work thus Farrah’s been to the upper half of the piece. I think she’s getting to a point where true nature is coming through. So please let me introduce a work in progress From the My Girl Collection:
Ink and acrylic
I’m going to show a number of shots some maybe similar just with a different light source.
I have to admit this morning as I dragged myself off the couch and into the studio I wasn’t sure if I could do it today. Parkinson’s has taken away a great deal of range of motion and arm strength especially when it concerns holding my arms upright. Not to mention physically gripping the brush for a long period of time. As I started in my arm ached, hips pulsed with pain and a few times I simply sat and looked at her thinking how….how can I do this? Well as always, one moment at a time and slowly but surely she started to come together. My hope is to have her completed before I leave for England this Friday, we’ll just have to see hoe it goes. I do want to take a few moments and thank each and every one of you, especially those who take the time to comment, over the past 3 years I’ve almost given up a number of times but because I’m a stubborn Irish bastard and I have the support of everyone here I haven’t. So thank you, thank you for helping me keep my dream alive. I know that if my dad was alive he’d be proud. As always be brave….be bold…and thrive in the life you have
I’d like to say I’ve been out and about shaking the art world to its very chore, but I’m not sure it has a singular core any more and I’m pretty sure it would take more than me writing to you from the comfort of my sleeping couch.
Though today has been a magical day of sorts. I enjoyed the early dawn hours alone outside and alone in my studio. I painted on one whilst preparing to say good bye to another. My Girl ~ Venus in Blue
Join me in saying good bye.
My Girl~Venus in Blue leaves tomorrow .
She’ll be missed, but I’d rather spread joy than own a piece of my own work.
I was also able to simply spend some time enjoying the studio here are a couple of pics you’d never see unless you were to come over at 1,2,3am.
A little morning music by candle light , always nice.
At this stage with the next My Girl series I’m just doing the color blocking and basic shading. In pieces like this hundreds of hour can be spent doing just shading. Once the lower half get to a good point I’ll start figuring out how I’d like the back ground to fit into the piece. Thankfully in doing so it will give definition and depth to the foreground form. There is still a ton of charcoal shading lines that I’ve not washed off so please excuse the roughness of the edges. Also the introduction of the background will fix the fuzzed line. Well I started my new meds today and I must say they’re pretty strong for me at least, clonozapam. It’s going to take some time to get adjusted to this as it makes me really really sleepy. But on the plus side I’ve only taken 2 of the 6-8 Percocet I usually take a day. Okay well it’s time for dinner around here soon going to disappear for a quick minute.
Much love and light to all.
**This is not poetic, nor happy it’s also not a cry for help. It simply just is.
I’ve come to hate mornings
They leave me broken and tired
Recovering from my dance with the
There was a time when the dawn called my name
with a glorious song and colors flooded my world.
Now I find only pain and the relentless crush of this disease.
There are no words I can give you that truly explain the
persistence of Parkinson’s disease. It simply never stops.
Never let’s go. There are times that I want to just be done
be done fighting. Be done taking pills for pain and pills
to replace the chemicals my brain no longer makes.
There was a time when the mornings song was a gift
the predawn stillness, the first birds of the day.
Me and a strong espresso, dreaming of all the
things I’d fill my life with.
Now its a race, a race for the first pills of the day
a race to stay one step ahead of the pain. A race to
learn the tricks of he brain as my cognitive functions change.
as I sit here and write these words out of my head and heart
placing them in space instead of myself, I feel the sadness settle
in. This sadness tells me its time to go, it tells me I’ve
rested to long in this place of thought and self analyzing
deprecation. So I leave you with these thoughts from a
man who has been graced with a life full of adventure
love and heartbreak. Don’t wait for life to give you the
things you want. You must make them happen. You must visualize
yourself in the place you want to be and make it so. For tomorrow
never comes so must seize the day or forever let it slip away. The Long Road
Acrylics and Ink
2012 Parkinson’s Series