Have you ever truly thought about what it means to live one day at a time. To live a life with no foreseeabke future. Living with a disorder that clouds your future to the point of obscurity. In our youth we find this thrilling a desire above so many others. Freedom to do as one wishes with no societal controls. The freedom to act with a selfish thoughtless greed. Then sickness or poverty hits.. A time in life when one must look up from the life of daily dailies and leave the confines of sickness. What if when you do everthing has changed for the worse. What if the motion that carried you has stopped. What if the passion that fueled your drive has burnt you to ground one to many times in life. What if you wake up and almost all the people you thought cared had passed judgment upon your head and heart. What if your own family had lost its need for you. What then.?
That life of living each day for the day looking back gave you nothing but heartache and sorrow. What if the future you saw never made up its mind up always changed kept you guessing what was next..Would you chose to live this life of faith and heartache. I’ve become a man so lost and scorned by his peers i fear my fate in this town, this life means nothing. I’ve made to many bad choices. To many leaps of faith that have ended with me crashing to ground before all to see. Sadly in the end none of it matters for we are all selfish scared creatures of the flesh. I put my heart my sleeve to many times only to have it soiled. By bad choices and users. Are you in my life for good of me or the good of you? If my life ends does it matter? Has it ever mattered for more than just a blink of time,. This bag of bones and shaky skin.
If i could still run. i would run and never stop, burn this flesh to the bone of exhaustion for my heart and soul have nothing more to give. I exists in a house of fear and uncertain futures. I’ve lost my star and gained a a universe of unknown potentials all the while my heart breaks and fear pours from every oraphus.
Lost wandering in a crowd of vultures if i knew what was right then I’d chose but this disease of the nerves as left me blind. Everything is grey as I pray for clarity yet recieve ambiguous signs of fate. My heart and soul want to be done with this struggle. I’m to tired and sad. To care about much of anything. If I’m shown no hope then no hope is what i have. If I’m shown love and affection then it is that what i believe. I cannot guess or see anymore that gift has been taken from me.
Now it’s time to bleed the paint from my broken soul once again. Once again i will paint this nightmare of a life in beautiful colours so all can be happy. So that colours of bright greens and golds can wash over you as you are thankful for your things.. I will watch you from the gutters of this life. So eat and drink like kings and queens on mankind. I will sit and paint and write my finals days on this earth then waves goodbye as the seasons change. For i am no longer needed here. You’ll be alright without me. God will still be there for you as will all those you convent so dearly. It’s just I who have grown tired of this mortal coil. This burnden is to great at times. Life lived on day at time for those who don’t have privilege looks like the end eachday. It doesn’t look or feel like freedom. I looks like hell feels like hell and burns the life straight out of ones soul daily. That is why eachday i so desperately seek things of great beauty for the darkness engulfs me at every point and the further you wander from the light the easier the darkness can find you..
Forgive me for my sins, as it says around my neck, forgive my transgressions against man and creature alike. For in the end when the darkness swallows me whole i hope i gave you enough light to carry you along your path. I hope you find the peace in this life i could not. Fear not of these words for they won’t be my last but but they, you and this life have broken me. Walk just one mile in my shoes, live with stage 6-7 pain for as many years as i have, fight with corp greed when you’ve not even enough sense to know what days it is. Love blindly those who would leave you wondering in life where you stand or why you even stand at all of the lack sincerity. Then cast your judgement upon me….. The End.
Thank you for allowing me to write here. To express my fears, dreams and desires openly without judgemental eyes. This was a post nap free write. May the day bring hope, love and faith. Love being the most important thing of all for it binds us together in hope that better days will come.
Everyday I sit and try to make time to write or post updates on the adventures of my life. Yet there never seems to be enough time. I paint and live, socialize, volunteer and do consulting work not to mention try to have some sort of private life, sometimes I think I should just have a video camera attached to my hat lol… But then nobody really wants to see details of a crazy painters life..
Lately my PD has been fighting me at every turn. Honestly it feels like my symptoms are changing again and I’m not sure I’m ready for that reality yet.
Anyhow enough of all the depressing stuff, everybody has their own demons. I can’t remember if I have shared the Gallery Showing I had this last Wednesday. If I hadn’t please take a quick look at a few pics from the evening.
Since then I’ve been working on a few smaller “test” pieces this first photo is an example piece o what I would like to do on a large scale.
Here I’m trying to work with less texturing but give what texture does exists a more bold and defined look which I think will look very striking in a much larger form.
This next piece is a practice in warm and bold colours, sand, fire, sun, stone.
I have a third and fourth piece I’m working on as well but I’m not ready to share them at this point, soon though.
Well time is slipping by as w speak so I must bid you adieu for the time being. Until we meet again. Please remember to be Brave, be Bold and Thrive in the life you have.
Much love and light.
“A life in progress”
Some of you know where this piece comes from some may not but I can guarantee that I wish I didn’t. Many of you know this last April I separated from my wife and was forced to leave my home and children. During this process I gave my my trust away when I shouldn’t have and got hurt. I have to take some responsibility but as in all scenarios it takes two to tango.
I’m left now feeling more broken and rejected than I have in any time in my 44 years on this planet. I will not go into details out of respect for myself and all involved. Please enjoy the next images as a part of my healing process.
Above the close ups.
This piece was intentionally painted as one piece with the knowledge that I would break it in half at the seem.
(2) 12″ x 12″ birch panels
2014 Benjamin A life in limbo
In times of great worry I find myself retreating to the one place I have left where I feel moderately in control, my studio. Life has been so physically and emotionally full these past few weeks I feel as though I’ve reached the end of my rope… Yet there’s more rope to climb. Always another step to take, word to write or hand to shake.
I am honored and humbled each day by the well wishes of others words of hope and promise for a brighter day. For that I am thankful. Today I think I’ll be locking myself in the studio to find guidance in angels
She has since been primed reinforced and waits for paint as I wait for her voice.
Until we meet again, I hope the world greets you with open arms. That you are able to smile with ease and feel joy in your hearts today, I will be searching for mine.
What woeful sorry clenches
Heavy hearts, borrowed strength
Fails these shaken and quaken hands today.
Tears stream like rivers
Gush from there beds
Cresting high above the banks they belong.
Commons thoughts elude
Only heart strings sing these songs
Of sorrows joy
What minstrel plays these things in me
Given curse to this lack of chemicals
Natures cruel joke
Such teasing seems unkind
Blood ties and promises hides eyes from broken Benjamin to leave me in my corner, gone from my sight
I write these verse to cure my wounds
licking my paws clean
Rotten sugar fed potatoes fill my souls holes
but leak from every sour face a make.
Enough….. Enough of this……..
Please forgive my darkness, overt your eyes if I cause you pain. Read no more these words of re broken man who lets himself wallow in this place of lost souls. Sometimes all of my armor fails me and I’m left with me…. Only me… Scared….tired painter,poet and
man past his prime. I can’t feel my legs but my eyes see them as I sit outside.