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14/09/2016~ it begins

Good morning. It’s been roughly two years since I’ve done any real physical therapy. Sure I get around pretty good with my cane most of the time and I’m physically capable as most things human males can be, I just tend to over do it a bit. Today I go see the best of the best, in Parkinson’s physical therapy, at least in my area. 8:30a pt 9:30a ot 😬these guys are gonna destroy me today lol. See, the thing is. These guys don’t know me from Adam, so today is going to be all bout baseline testing. Which in simple terms, they say GO!!! Then I do whatever test as fast and as hard as I can…..sound familiar.. Don’t smile 😂😂😂 seriously though, it’s a long painful process in figureing out what this body needs since PD has a habit of changing rapidly,then not changing for years.

So my little freak out with katelyn was a prime example of a shift, meds not balanced with body/mind needs coupled with lack of support and over stressed. We were a time bomb waiting to go off and didn’t even know it. Oh well. Live,love,learn. It was good to live a little more before the serious work of staying alive continued. These days I don’t spend my time rushing to and fro handling everybody else’s business. I stay home, water and replant the gardens in the mornings, paint in the afternoons, nap early evening  and then cook with friends and family in the evenings. See I’m not allowed to cook by myself. 😓😓😓 the first night I came home in July (long sad story) I tried to make some rice. Managed to not burn down the house but did manage to kill one nice pan and server thousand grains of rice. Since then the rule is. I stay in the kitchen when I’m cooking or I don’t cook alone. PERIOD! 

I’ve been up since around 3a I tend to not sleep well at others homes, even though where I’m staying in Portland is perfect. Best friends from kiddom have a home here. It makes it easier to do medical stuff in town when I can come up and stay the night. 

Anyhow I said I’d start writing about PD daily or try at least.
**scale 1-10 1= no to little pain and discomfort 10=ER time.

Pain: 5
stiffness: 7
rigidity: 7
slow:3
balance:unsteady 6
overall physical discomfort: 6-7
** so if 5 is my normal level of ouch, which is half way between I feel great (1)and take me to the ER(10). Today is a 6-7 my pain level is high, very stiff,rigid and un balanced. lol. story of my life. 😂😜😂. Anyhow hopefully that makes sence. most people go to the Dr. in stage 5-6 pain level i start my days in more pain than people (normal) ppl live with. i think most survivors of chronicle illness do, but i dont honestly know. Example: lastnight I had to ask someone to go to the store for me because my right hip was locked up so tight I couldn’t walk that far. Parkinson’s disease is fickle and often changes symptom types during the day. Right then its thursday so hang in there, one more day of the work week then you can go play.
Cheers and much love.
B. 2016
live, love, laugh. its a shorter ride than you think.

  

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No Way home……

It rained last night and washed the last bits of you away.
the gardens have come back after the wrath and destruction of your love.
the birds have come home and winds sing a diffrent somg these days.
one of support and friendship.
one born years ago, destined in some way to become part of this story.
why, how and now?
I could never dare to say…..
but the rains came today and washed the last of you away…..
B~2016

  
PART II
i am me, he and we. I am stronger than my demons.
more smart than the obtrusive  thoughts that used to plague 
my mind.
I too remember the days you slept away
while i guided 1/2 of your flesh and bones….
Not my job, nor should it ever have been…
I am whole, I am here and I am free to live as I see fit.
my love, my loves.fear not as
i crumble into the sea, as you watch me quake and shake my way through the bad days.
these bones are tired so tired…
yet this heart and mind so full of passion to live,love and thrive.

The rains came today and washed the last bits of you away… sad really the way things parted.
but without this my dear, my life would have never really started.
I’ve  found my shiny, my glittering heart, my once in a life time whom now ive met twice.
Sometimes  the universe remembers it’s  nice.

but alass i must pray, that here i will stay.
for here i am wanted, a fresh start everyday.
so this my dear friends is where i shall play
for all of my years and one extra day.
THE END.

B.2016

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Hey…..

I’ve fallen for you….. I didn’t mean to… It happened a while ago when nobody was looking. I’m not even sure I knew myself at the time.. Father,painter, poet and madman shakily at your service ⚓️🌹⚓️ 

  

  B.2016


May each of your days be better than the last.

***Some words will always ring true***
~Small Coins~
You can feel the summer slowly start loosen its grip as the crickets come back out to sing. 

The sky starts it journey towards darkness just a little earlier every night.

The summer fruits have come and gone i welcome the bats as they will return shortly.

I can feel change in the winds, yet for the first time in what feels like a thousand years I have no fear of them. 

I do not go quietly into the night

For I will sing with the crickets and fly with the bats as I paint what’s left of my story…..

Benjamin 

2013

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Et tu Brutî

On this darkest day oh hollow man shed this wanten skin….Bleed no more for these these things

That cause pause to a soldiers heart.
Such fragile breath on angels wings
Bared ones heart to scissored strings.

Never more shall I go into the darkness alone.
Never more shall I throw stones,,In glass houses.
Never more shall I sing of things to the tune of a def ear and blinded eye.

Silent such voided love and fill this cup with pain and paint.
Fill this vessel oh world of wonder for this knight grows long in the hall of unrequited love..
Born of mystery and misery…. Of healing want in one hand and a lovers whip in another..

Fly…fly away with the birds and the bees. 
Flowers and trees for these things have no place in this heart of darkness.

These halls are mine.. And mine alone…
Cursed to wander for a thousand , thousand years…
Alone…me and these words…. Me and this paint that grows…

Alone…. or iam i destined to this life? id there a queen fit for my fits and delusions, these sharks and quakes that bury my mind and heart. For the one that heald my hand for better or for worse cast me aside and the beauty queen who said she’d stay lost her way.

Do you dare hold the hand of dying mad man? To watch as the chaos closes my eyes and blinds my mind for the final time here in chapter three of me…..?
the end.
b.
2016
post words:
words of fear and love spilled blindly these days as hope for a dream in dream that will take home once again for my sword and sheild have grown tired of the fight. I trade these tools of destruction and madness for hoe and shovel,All ove ever wanted is to come home….to plant a garden a fill it with love, art and the reminder that this world is heaven on earth. Someone just forget to us the right story.

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Good morning sunshine :Stories from the Great Train.

There was no tunnel
There was no light
Only darkness
I waited like you said
No light ever came
It didn’t get easier, for that is how I’m made.
My job to feel, my mission to protect mine, yours.
Theirs it didn’t matter.
My job is to serve, protect, provide and guide.
Or so I thought……
Then the great train came and took me away.
I road for hours, that turned into days that stretched for a thousand, thousand life times.
Is saw.
The horror of human kind,
mothers that left their babies roadside to die, with notes that smelled of flowers and the fathers that stood by and watched.
Sin eaters that bellies shrank as their pockets grew fat with greed.
All the while I walked because I was told to.
Keep moving forward”
the sign in my head said. So I did, with no question and pride. I moved on through he, she , me and we and I kept moving until the darkness grew deep……….
So deep I fact it stopped me….
Us….
The darkness had found me…

This time it wasn’t letting go. I cried and I tried and watched as we died. But the darkness would not could move for it was mine to stay.
Until I myself asked it to go away.
.
.
.
.
Then on the darkest of day on the coolest of Summer’s nights you came to me. Turned on the brightest of light this dog dog could ever see. A machine of living proof dressed in the elegant shades of grey. Adorned it Silver and black.
You carried the light for with I seek a reason to rise again a reason to speak. The better parts of me know that I can truly see. The darkness wasn’t you….
It was always simply a part of me.

The end.
B.
“A life in progress”
**Stories from the Great Train