Once upon a dream..

There was a time when i believed in young love. A time when roses where full and fresh, the air bright and full of desire. Those days of wine and roses have come and gone one thousand times and not a day has pasted that my soul hasn’t died a thousand deaths since I left your hearts desire.

Colder the nights have grown without you by my side. Just the whirl of the heater and the electric hum of the tv to replace the beating of your heart. I never knew life could change so quickly or dramatically in a day. But i guess life and death are just one simple human heart beat apart arn’t they…?

Tonight this heart beats alone and tired from the battles of this body and mind. The cost to high to measure by hand of man, surely my misdeeds must be great for this punished life to warrant such chaos and pain of tortured soul. Shall there be no true angels left amongst the dead. The end.

Benjamin 2017

Be brave,be bold and thrive in the life you have.” you never know when things will change but change they will.

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There are times

There are times in this life where i feel so isolated in this disease of Parkinson’s. The internal tremor that rattels my bones to the core each day. The rigidity that binds tendons tightening muscles in constant motion either inside or out, all held together by an invisble fog that binds only me and my mind to the shell of man i used to be. No time to adjust to the new me as it morphes again taking larger pieces of me with it each time.

Finding in these mornings most glorious and dark at times. Waking eachday with an ache so deep in my body, as if my very soul resists kicking and screaming as the relentless mass of parkinson’s disease bares its weight on this body and mind. Yet here i sit.. Watching in moments of clarity and depth. I weep as the pain in my hips is unbareble, hands tremble as shoulders heave in dystonic cramp. Tendons bound and wound so tightly as they twist and turn my feet and hips with torturous strength.

Ah yet i breath i find peace in the knowing.. The knowing that i am just one part of all of all of this beauty in the struggle of human life. This body, this construct of time and fear. Of math and metrics measured in sunsets and darkness, flowers and trees… Hopes and dreams..

Only then as i master this mind this soul. Slowing rejoining the light… Can I breathe as i watch the world around me react is i die… As i slowly need more reminders of what day it is or what the universe of doctors and vampires have instore for me. Slowly as these morning thoughts come to a close..

Please remember I’ve always loved you. Follow your heart for it is more pure than you know. Listen to your gut for it is wiser than you think and take care with your mind for it needs the time to ingest the magnification of lifes endless choices in this lifetime, but take head never stray from the path of light or one will spend a lifetime returning to it.

Benjamin- 2017 #myshakylife

“Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” ©2012

The Universe, Me and a frog

It has been almost a year since true hell came to my doorway and looked down upon my face. Gave a huge smile and said your mine for the next 5 five years. Cancer fucking sucks. I thought Parkinson’s disease was enough, but man i lost so much muscle and the chemo messed my head and nervous system up so bad.. Seriously there are some things that one can’t quantify truly until you’ve lived through them. I’ve been shown the kindness of strangers and the disengaugement of family. Witnessed good families fall apart and bad ones turn good again. Loved ones passed while friends faded and fluxed. I find these days a friend is only as good as they are on their worst day. That is depth of a friendship I’ve found.

As my carer likes to kid with know that Ive gotten “old” Ha!!! Not even 5o yet 😎🎨🎉 As I’ve found as I’ve matured that wisdom gives me site but Parkison’s has made me emotionally blind or hypersensitve to my desires, paint, music,companionship food, love, sex, ect…. The Agnosia plays a tricky little bugger in the mix because it takes foresite away. So where one person may think jumping in that tank of hungry sharks sounds like a bad idea. My brain is a tad more likely to think…hmmmm. It might be okay or hmmm I’ve never done that before might as well before PD or Cancer finishes me off. But in reality getting eaten by sharks is like my hugest fear ever lol. Sooo yeah. Life with Parkinson’s disease has been a trip. A true test of heart and faith. Always chasing an ever changing disease with drugs that are just as bad as the disease ie; side-effects. Anyhow i hope that love and peace find you in this life time. Do truly cherish those close to you eachday. Be as present in your life as possible and if your living a life you don’t want to live then your not really living your just alive. I myself with my ever shinking circle of mobility and friendships chose to live right here right now. For yesterday is gone and tomorrow is never promsied for death as life often comes unannounced.

All my love Always.

B-2017

Hello…

The winds have a chill early this year and the trees are as red as can be. I sit here pondering life as the last of the night slips away just before dawn kisses her hello and goodbyes to the moon.

I find myself so torn and so truly overwhelmed by life. This inability to focus or remember. This “Grey” tone to life emotionally as i feel no chemical connection no evocation besides fear, confusion and the dissolusions of dreams. Yet each day I wake pray for all to be strong enough to be the best person they can be whilst, i struggle daily with simply moving around the house. I pause millions of times in my head and hundreds of times in a day as i struggle to express verbally how I feel but my tonal changes in voice influction often prohibit me from accutately getting things across. Same with my word find. But ya know there is still beauty in the day. The sun has started to rise through the morning fog. Silohettes of great pines stand strong against the sun as it breaks the tree line.

Today I’m thankful for the little that I have, for it means the world to me. A few friends, close and dear. A few dreams yet met to give up a chance and the faith that all will be well in the end. Much love and light.

Benjamin. “Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” You never truly know when things will change,, and they will.

Early morning thoughts

Good morning. I find it interesting as i get older and as my Parkinson’s disease progresses I find the time and energy I put into people is considersbly less. Like say i meet a person i think id like to hang out with or get to know. I used to pine and really try to do the “Hey Hi, I’m me courtship dance.”

Now, not so much, I think I’ve reached a point in this life where i really don’t give a shit about physical love. Which is sad bc Im a very physical person. But it has become near impossible to read peoples intent and i’ve been lied to and manipulated to much in this life. I pray each day to be a better man. To have the strength eachday to continue to spread light and love. I pray for a companion to embrace me as much as I they… But alass, all that come I to orbit have agendas or are sadly not strong enough to deal with the reality of my life with PD. Im slowly realizing my Angels are busy saving their own lives. Someday i’ll find one who understands my kind of commitmemt. My kind of dedication and love. For when it is truly given to those whom shown their loyalty and purity it is given fully and completely with a single minded heat and passion most have never seen. Tis sad to have such passion and desire to embrace, exhalt, cherish and nurture another soul yet have no place to put it. So until that day when another pledges to me…. I shall retreat… Forget the touch of loves taste, or the sound of loves heart beat next to mine. In the end we all die alone maybe God is telling me to start practicing for the end. Maybe this is the end and i just dont see it clearly anymore as this disease ravages my heart, body and mind..

It rained today and wished….

Benjamin-2017