New art

Petoskey Heart

8″x 8″ mixed media on birch panel.

25 USD if shipped in the US. Total price varies for UK,EU,AU locations. DM or message me for details.

Flower Friends

8″ x 8″ mixed media on birch panel

25 USD if shipped in the US. Total price varies for Uk,EU,AU locations. DM or message me for details.

Be brave be bold and thrive in your life, it’s the only one you have.

B-2018

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Find me..

It’s there you’ll find me. Beneath the rubble of my shattered dreams. Piles of pills and tinctures galore, all to ease the pain of the day. It’s there you’ll find me, mixed in paint and whsipers, scattered in the words spilled so carelessly aross the canvas of my life. It’s there you’ll find me sleeping under the old oak trees, dreaming of you and a gentle warm breeze. All you have to do is come find me… The end.

Benjamin. 2018

I feel..

I don’t know how it feels to be you… To be inside your head, heart body and soul. To be that you behind the eyes and reflection you see in the mirror. Nor would I ever expect another to understand I of the same. I feel so deeply it hurts at times my mind and adrenaline rushing away with every fiber of my being like a whirlwind of color and weight of this feeling of feeling so deeply… It hurts… I feel.

Do we all not hurt so the same? If so then why do we not cherish those near and dear to us with ever essence of our being. If the world is full of hurt feeling and complexity beyond belief…. If we are what we say we are, spiritual creatures then why do we not act as such and if we are just animals looking for shelter and food. Why do we feel…. Love,hate, sorrow, sunshine, fresh air,bacon….. And the salt air.or the way that only new born babies smell or the last tucked in cuddles goodnight feels….. And why is it so hard for one person to be so different from each other yet be so bonded to another. Feelings…. Yucky feels to many of them these days…

Yes I long for the quiet sky and dream of soft spring rains and longer summer nights. The Sounds of laughter and joy not buses and bustle or sidewalk panhandlers shuffle. I feel to much, to much from you, from me, from the trees and ants and the birds and the bees….. I feel to much… Or is that how the world is supposed to be is that how this life is supposed to be…. I feel to much. The end ✌️

Benjamin-2018

Eachday is a gift

Recently I’ve been going through some stuff that has taught me a lot about myself and others. I’ve learned I’m patient but only to a certain degree. I’ve learned I’m vulnerable and fearful of so much more than I ever dreamt of. Being forced to self examine is hard, even harder if you are being honest with yourself. I’m insecure and have a hard time communicating**which is funny bc I love words** I’ve learned that I need verbal and physical support from my companion or physical partner. I’ve learned that I feel more fufilled as a human if I’m preforming Acts of service for others. I’ve also learned that I prefer to have a partner. I’ve learned that I can be easily distracted by shiny things but I’m a loyal dog through and through. I’ve learned that yes you can have to many roommates 😂😂.

I’ve learned that my life is my life and I’m the only one who can make me happy.

The other day I was greated by a police officer who came to do a welfare check on me,. Then the lead organizer at OHSU center for health and healing called, followed by my neuropsychologist, and I had two visits from ppl making sure I was still alive. I explained to each that yes I’m heartbroken and depressed, sure I’ll admit it, I’m sick of this life, didn’t ask for it,feel cheated and robbed of everything I worked for..ect.ect.ect… well after this last episode of Let’s see how many failed human relationships can Benjamin have in a lifetime. 💔🎉🏁😢 But here’s the thing, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live this life… So what are my choices, continue on this same path?? No because that my friends will lead to my destruction. I will self implode and the darkness will eat me whole whilst I watch.

So I’m going to focus on my art work, focus on this new church I found and forget about the drama and hurt of my old life.

I was raised to be a good man in a bad world and I let myself get caught up in trying to be everything to everyone and forgot about my own soul. Well after my day of choices

1. To pull the pug.

2. Stay on this rock a bit more.

I’m going to be me, I’m a cancer survivor 1 year remission, pending CT/PET scan. Fingers crossed. I live eachday with Parkinson’s disease that effect all parts of my life,body,mind and soul. But those are just the things that happened to me on my journey from there to here. The person I want to be a person who is happy to wake up, has faith in the universe, God, Allah,Krishna whom ever. A person who looks forward to a day of great deeds and uplifting others while I paint and write of the adventures of human depths of mind,body and soul.

Sidenote: chemical depression and anxiety is the real deal. I thought I’d experienced depression before… No. Not even close, true chemical depression has me by the chin 🤔😉 and it’s a whole new level of hell I’d never imagined could be real.

Anyhow eachday is a gift and how do I know??? Because I just walked up to the edge and saw the truth and the truth is I’m not done. I’m not sure what my purpose is anymore,father, husband,lover,painter,poet,Sin eater,warrior, friend and mentor. Honestly I don’t know what comes next but I do know that each day I will do one thing just for me,just for myself and the child inside of me. One thing that is more than eat,walk, sleep**take meds every 2-3 hrs 😤.

I do know that I want to be happy and the only way to do that is to start with the very secondly at hand……. So I came here to write and get off my feet. I’ve been walking more than I should be, No car at the moment..long story lol. 💔 Another day.

Well my dear friends and family that come here to spy on and support me 😂😂😂 I love and appreciate you all deeply. I hope whatever you are and whatever you are doing, that you know you are loved, cherished and missed.

The end.

Benjamin. 2018

How strange-free write

It’s midnight here and I must go write. Type or speak but not write, is anything written anymore…? Vows not spoken nor true loves token, taken anymore. Has the world lost its way again? How strange to be here again as the flowers start to push and reach for the nights air. Like a dream of a dream that I’ve been here before. Soon the sun will come and bring more changes to the world, my world and our lives are scarred forevermore with the tears of Angels.

How strange that you are here while I am there. Worlds apart but we breath the same air. Tonight I am weak and solice I seek for the demons tear at my soul…. Twin flames burn bright white hot as ones heart turns to coal. Another turns to stone in face of a place I used to call home. Strange how you think you know what you’d do when it came time to do it, but time is fickle , like an icecicle it drips away before you know it.

Benjamin-2018

**Random freewrite, the purging of my brains.