If this is a dream do not wake me for I have found heaven in the heart of this darkness. In the hardest of times I gave it all up. I had somehow become unworthy of love and happiness as it had been known to me. I had become more, or maybe less than I was as a man. Either way when the dust settled I was alone, barren of the seed and fruits of my life long labor. All my memories dashed upon the rocks of a misguided future and worst still,there were monsters waiting at home to devour what was left .
You didn’t leave a stone unturned this universe of God and mankind. I , you have deconstructed this human beast into a diffrent creation, something of joy and beauty, sadly cursed with the passion of a thousand men the heart of a lion, the soul of saint, tongue of the devil and hand of a hero.
I come to you on bended knee take me as I am. Take me for me and I’ll give you all that I be.. I have nothing and everything to give,.the only thing left is me.
Today I can to a place where I can could see clearly.
All my life I’ve been a giver. Over the years it’s worn me down.
I didn’t realize it but it has. I’ve let my behavior bring me to this loathsome place.
Today I realized that I can do things just for me.
I can take a pottery class.
I can with the right help do and become anything
I am enough…. I am enough for me…
And I am important.. Simply because I am.
I don’t need to fix every person and every problem
I AM FREE
I AM LOVED
I AM KIND
I AM HONEST
I AM LOYAL
I AM ME
Not out of greed, but out of selfcare. The world has shown me recently that when a person you trust suddenly starts accusing you of something that you have no idea about… That’s the time to turn and run.. I’ve spent a lifetime watching others and projecting my insecurities on others then wondering why they left. I’ve grown, I can see these things now in others and myself. I am thankful for this life.
When I think of you you my heart breaks with joy amd sadness all at once. To have had the chance to bathe in your beauty forever and have lost that chance have left me a changed man. Every butterfly deserve a chance at freedom and every Raven a branch to perch. Mhlyh always and forever.
Writing because it kills the heartache of reality.
I have no more strength to deal with these thieves and liars. Take my life’s work, take my heart and soul for you’ve used them raw and empty. I’m a worthless shell of man with nothing to show for this miserable existence you’ve left me.
God’s light pours from my wounds as you laugh and point at the demise of me. Just a man trying to find a soft place to rest my head. No drama no fights. Just paint and writing. Enjoying what’s left of this life and body. I am not what you think I am I am not your past triggers I am not your demons I am as mirror simple and true what people cast upon me is simply a reflection of you. I have no agenda or plot. No grand schemes other than to see beautiful things in everyone and everywhere. Chemo and cancer, radiation and Parkinson’s disease don’t make good mixes one speeds the other. They feed off of each other until i, me . The man you see before you today, dizzy in thoughts and body. Shaky of hand and heart. This, me is simply a man literally dying to find peace… What evils you would perceive in me are very honestly your own. All I’ve ever wanted was to have a companion to share this wicked yet beautiful adventure with… So judge away, point and whisper huddle in your coven and magik away. I’ve know all my life whom I’m supposed to be. I am Benjamin Micheal Prewitt. I am a vessel of light for those who need be. I am a warrior of any Creed by your side whenever in need. I am lover, a husband, a father and friend. I was that guy that would have stayed until the bitter end. A loyal dog, unwaivering by your side.. Sadly this world has killed me. For the my light surely will fade. I can feel no love only slowly fading shades of grey.
Benjamin-catharic writing to save my soul from what my heart and hands would. 🙏