Once upon a dream..

There was a time when i believed in young love. A time when roses where full and fresh, the air bright and full of desire. Those days of wine and roses have come and gone one thousand times and not a day has pasted that my soul hasn’t died a thousand deaths since I left your hearts desire.

Colder the nights have grown without you by my side. Just the whirl of the heater and the electric hum of the tv to replace the beating of your heart. I never knew life could change so quickly or dramatically in a day. But i guess life and death are just one simple human heart beat apart arn’t they…?

Tonight this heart beats alone and tired from the battles of this body and mind. The cost to high to measure by hand of man, surely my misdeeds must be great for this punished life to warrant such chaos and pain of tortured soul. Shall there be no true angels left amongst the dead. The end.

Benjamin 2017

Be brave,be bold and thrive in the life you have.” you never know when things will change but change they will.

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There are times

There are times in this life where i feel so isolated in this disease of Parkinson’s. The internal tremor that rattels my bones to the core each day. The rigidity that binds tendons tightening muscles in constant motion either inside or out, all held together by an invisble fog that binds only me and my mind to the shell of man i used to be. No time to adjust to the new me as it morphes again taking larger pieces of me with it each time.

Finding in these mornings most glorious and dark at times. Waking eachday with an ache so deep in my body, as if my very soul resists kicking and screaming as the relentless mass of parkinson’s disease bares its weight on this body and mind. Yet here i sit.. Watching in moments of clarity and depth. I weep as the pain in my hips is unbareble, hands tremble as shoulders heave in dystonic cramp. Tendons bound and wound so tightly as they twist and turn my feet and hips with torturous strength.

Ah yet i breath i find peace in the knowing.. The knowing that i am just one part of all of all of this beauty in the struggle of human life. This body, this construct of time and fear. Of math and metrics measured in sunsets and darkness, flowers and trees… Hopes and dreams..

Only then as i master this mind this soul. Slowing rejoining the light… Can I breathe as i watch the world around me react is i die… As i slowly need more reminders of what day it is or what the universe of doctors and vampires have instore for me. Slowly as these morning thoughts come to a close..

Please remember I’ve always loved you. Follow your heart for it is more pure than you know. Listen to your gut for it is wiser than you think and take care with your mind for it needs the time to ingest the magnification of lifes endless choices in this lifetime, but take head never stray from the path of light or one will spend a lifetime returning to it.

Benjamin- 2017 #myshakylife

“Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” ©2012

Hello…

The winds have a chill early this year and the trees are as red as can be. I sit here pondering life as the last of the night slips away just before dawn kisses her hello and goodbyes to the moon.

I find myself so torn and so truly overwhelmed by life. This inability to focus or remember. This “Grey” tone to life emotionally as i feel no chemical connection no evocation besides fear, confusion and the dissolusions of dreams. Yet each day I wake pray for all to be strong enough to be the best person they can be whilst, i struggle daily with simply moving around the house. I pause millions of times in my head and hundreds of times in a day as i struggle to express verbally how I feel but my tonal changes in voice influction often prohibit me from accutately getting things across. Same with my word find. But ya know there is still beauty in the day. The sun has started to rise through the morning fog. Silohettes of great pines stand strong against the sun as it breaks the tree line.

Today I’m thankful for the little that I have, for it means the world to me. A few friends, close and dear. A few dreams yet met to give up a chance and the faith that all will be well in the end. Much love and light.

Benjamin. “Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” You never truly know when things will change,, and they will.

Early morning thoughts

Good morning. I find it interesting as i get older and as my Parkinson’s disease progresses I find the time and energy I put into people is considersbly less. Like say i meet a person i think id like to hang out with or get to know. I used to pine and really try to do the “Hey Hi, I’m me courtship dance.”

Now, not so much, I think I’ve reached a point in this life where i really don’t give a shit about physical love. Which is sad bc Im a very physical person. But it has become near impossible to read peoples intent and i’ve been lied to and manipulated to much in this life. I pray each day to be a better man. To have the strength eachday to continue to spread light and love. I pray for a companion to embrace me as much as I they… But alass, all that come I to orbit have agendas or are sadly not strong enough to deal with the reality of my life with PD. Im slowly realizing my Angels are busy saving their own lives. Someday i’ll find one who understands my kind of commitmemt. My kind of dedication and love. For when it is truly given to those whom shown their loyalty and purity it is given fully and completely with a single minded heat and passion most have never seen. Tis sad to have such passion and desire to embrace, exhalt, cherish and nurture another soul yet have no place to put it. So until that day when another pledges to me…. I shall retreat… Forget the touch of loves taste, or the sound of loves heart beat next to mine. In the end we all die alone maybe God is telling me to start practicing for the end. Maybe this is the end and i just dont see it clearly anymore as this disease ravages my heart, body and mind..

It rained today and wished….

Benjamin-2017

Today..

Though honestly as i sit here and type ive no idea what day it is sadly… Its scary shit when things start changing..

Benamin