2 day left ~ gathering strength

Here we are at the the second to last day of my treatments. The last two radiation therapy of this experience. A person I used to know once told me that cancers journey is very person and everyones experience is different . Now having lived through the experience I understand better than ever how true thy statement was.! Nobody can prepare you for this type of life experience. They tell you it’s going to get “bad” or “hard” words like “tough” are used. Sadly non of which prepare one for the very person journey of cancer. Yesterday I crossed a threshold of pain and fatigue. I had my first negative experience at my speech pathologist and then my 3rd to last treatment where I feel asleep on the table. Anyhow non of that is really important in the scheme of things. For me the hardest part is and has been these last few days. I’m not sure if it’s bc I can see the finish line and I’m letting my guard don a little and excepting how I actually feel. Most likely it’s simply a combination of the treatment and the overall weight of this experience have finally caught up with me. I’m 156 lbs and I’ve been living on protein shakes and broth for two weeks. My pain level in my throat spikes at 9-10 yes I know that’s extreme but I can’t tell how many times I’ve thought about just admitting myself to the hospital to finish this process. Honestly I’m not trying to be negative but people need to understand that just because I’ve been able to keep mostly a mentally positive approach to this experience of cancer but I have to admit it is and has been the most painful ,lonely and miserable experience I’ve ever had. Life changing to be honest. Well folks it’s shower time and get ready for this next to last treatment. Time to put on my game face and stare death in the face and say fuck you. Not now.

Much love and light.
Benjamin 2017
A life in progress

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In the middle of the night.

In the middle of the night, I wake with a fire of a thousand suns burning in my body.
Waves of nausea like an unsettled sea ebb and flow in this darkness as the sun rolls closer.
Then im up, awake wondering the darkness at 1:48a searching for a porcelain God to hurl insults at in tongues only the sick speak at 2am.
The weeks are starting to drag as I knew they would, honestly I’m surprised sheer Irish bullheadedness made it 5 weeks.
Now zen Ben has to come and play because it’s getting intense the burns,nausea.
It comes when I’m alone it waits until I’m vulnerable, until I’m cozy in my cancer cocoon of the blankets made from promises and prayers. It’s there where I wait for this demon of my pasted to be purged. Today I am tired and in pain. To many days that start and stop to much pain ever present non relenting constant burn to many people fallen by the wayside of grief and rage. Soon though, soon I will find a place where I am more loved than questioned and that place, that place will be home. Me, the dog I don’t have and paints I do will be off to “the other side of the mountain” I live in a valley so that doesn’t really make sense lol I could go about many mountains ๐Ÿ˜‚ honestly if I have it my way I’ll go across all of them, again. Any how slowly I’m waking it’s now almost 6:00am pst I’ve had 5 hrs to control the ick and now it’s time to start preparing the body and mind for treatment.
Much love and light.
B~ 2017
A life in progress

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24-12-2016 tales from the C-train

They say it’s almost Christmas, I find it hard believe . I’ve no tree for the first time since I honestly can’t remember. I slept until 1:39 today if you don’t count the four hours I was up worshipful the porcelain God. ๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿค’ lets just say the doctors predicted of about two week before the sickness hit was correct . It’s hard to explain the reality in ones head. Not emotionally but the physical oddity of radiation therapy and chemotherapy. How it makes you feel like you’re in a fog or a huge pit super far away. Everything is clear about what’s going on around me but I’m completely removed. You could tell me it’s my birthday after I woke up and I’d probably believe you. Totally removed lol. Then there’s the pain unreal, unexplainable in real non sensational way. I just pray for those who have gone through and will go through what I am. Not to mention the Parkinson’s disease. I’m not going to go into that at all right now. Needless to say but WOW. So since its already Christmas in most of the world. Merry Christmas and blessings to all other winter solstice religious and spiritual appreciations. Namaste.
Until another day
Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”

B.2016
๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„

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Morning music and a couple words

Today day is week 2 day 3 of the adventures on the C-train. Being Wednesday its double down day chemo and radiation double punch. Please excuse if I get a little silent over the next few days. Honestly the treatments are starting to take there tolls in new and interesting ways. Without complaining lets just say it’s taking all of my focus to be present during this process. That being said I’ve got to go wrestle with a bandage dressing that must stay dry during showering. Far easier said than lol it’s definitely a two person job.
Right then. Much love and light to all. Please remember
To always. “Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”
B. 2016
A life in progress.

Day 2 done…… 28 more to go. And okay….

Hi.. Thanks for tuning into what will eventually be simply called 
B. Takes the C-train.

Just the cancer section ใ€Šjust to be clearใ€‹
I think it’s funny and kinda cute, not like teddy bear or fluffy bunny. 

More like a pink razor blade or paisley chainsaw. ๐Ÿ‘บ๐Ÿ‘น๐Ÿ‘บ๐Ÿ‘ป  and yes isn’t that damn bunny cute. 

So far I have to say that radiation and chemo therapy are my least favorite things I’ve done. Except divorce, my divorce sucked ballz. But thats another chapter of another book.

Today was day 2 of the C-train. I figured it wasn’t going to be cool or fun anything besides that lol. Today was an eye opener.  But the fact that I get to joke and laugh with some pretty fun and interesting people is really cool. 

Today I had my second full session of radiation therapy and my first full session of chemotherapy. They gave me an antinausea med during the chemotherapy which worked until about four hours after the treatment and then of course I felt the full of the effects of chemohellfire, no that doesn’t sound right lol I’ll post a picture of it . 

Honestly I’m having a hard time imagining what 30 – 35 treatments of radiation therapy is going to feel like. That’s two months of radiation and 6-8 sessions of chemotherapy and considering how I feel right this second in time 

I have to say I can’t fathom what this is really going to be like. Hell maybe. .? Honestly I’m not sure… anyhow I’m completely losing focus and should be asleep but I’m nervous and kinda in pain ,squirreling lol.

Right then time to sleep. Much love and light to all of you and to all of you Goodnight. 

B . 2016 

A life in progress.