Eachday is a gift

Recently I’ve been going through some stuff that has taught me a lot about myself and others. I’ve learned I’m patient but only to a certain degree. I’ve learned I’m vulnerable and fearful of so much more than I ever dreamt of. Being forced to self examine is hard, even harder if you are being honest with yourself. I’m insecure and have a hard time communicating**which is funny bc I love words** I’ve learned that I need verbal and physical support from my companion or physical partner. I’ve learned that I feel more fufilled as a human if I’m preforming Acts of service for others. I’ve also learned that I prefer to have a partner. I’ve learned that I can be easily distracted by shiny things but I’m a loyal dog through and through. I’ve learned that yes you can have to many roommates πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

I’ve learned that my life is my life and I’m the only one who can make me happy.

The other day I was greated by a police officer who came to do a welfare check on me,. Then the lead organizer at OHSU center for health and healing called, followed by my neuropsychologist, and I had two visits from ppl making sure I was still alive. I explained to each that yes I’m heartbroken and depressed, sure I’ll admit it, I’m sick of this life, didn’t ask for it,feel cheated and robbed of everything I worked for..ect.ect.ect… well after this last episode of Let’s see how many failed human relationships can Benjamin have in a lifetime. πŸ’”πŸŽ‰πŸπŸ˜’ But here’s the thing, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live this life… So what are my choices, continue on this same path?? No because that my friends will lead to my destruction. I will self implode and the darkness will eat me whole whilst I watch.

So I’m going to focus on my art work, focus on this new church I found and forget about the drama and hurt of my old life.

I was raised to be a good man in a bad world and I let myself get caught up in trying to be everything to everyone and forgot about my own soul. Well after my day of choices

1. To pull the pug.

2. Stay on this rock a bit more.

I’m going to be me, I’m a cancer survivor 1 year remission, pending CT/PET scan. Fingers crossed. I live eachday with Parkinson’s disease that effect all parts of my life,body,mind and soul. But those are just the things that happened to me on my journey from there to here. The person I want to be a person who is happy to wake up, has faith in the universe, God, Allah,Krishna whom ever. A person who looks forward to a day of great deeds and uplifting others while I paint and write of the adventures of human depths of mind,body and soul.

Sidenote: chemical depression and anxiety is the real deal. I thought I’d experienced depression before… No. Not even close, true chemical depression has me by the chin πŸ€”πŸ˜‰ and it’s a whole new level of hell I’d never imagined could be real.

Anyhow eachday is a gift and how do I know??? Because I just walked up to the edge and saw the truth and the truth is I’m not done. I’m not sure what my purpose is anymore,father, husband,lover,painter,poet,Sin eater,warrior, friend and mentor. Honestly I don’t know what comes next but I do know that each day I will do one thing just for me,just for myself and the child inside of me. One thing that is more than eat,walk, sleep**take meds every 2-3 hrs 😀.

I do know that I want to be happy and the only way to do that is to start with the very secondly at hand……. So I came here to write and get off my feet. I’ve been walking more than I should be, No car at the moment..long story lol. πŸ’” Another day.

Well my dear friends and family that come here to spy on and support me πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I love and appreciate you all deeply. I hope whatever you are and whatever you are doing, that you know you are loved, cherished and missed.

The end.

Benjamin. 2018

One day at a time

Have you ever truly thought about what it means to live one day at a time. To live a life with no foreseeabke future. Living with a disorder that clouds your future to the point of obscurity. In our youth we find this thrilling a desire above so many others. Freedom to do as one wishes with no societal controls. The freedom to act with a selfish thoughtless greed. Then sickness or poverty hits.. A time in life when one must look up from the life of daily dailies and leave the confines of sickness. What if when you do everthing has changed for the worse. What if the motion that carried you has stopped. What if the passion that fueled your drive has burnt you to ground one to many times in life. What if you wake up and almost all the people you thought cared had passed judgment upon your head and heart. What if your own family had lost its need for you. What then.?

That life of living each day for the day looking back gave you nothing but heartache and sorrow. What if the future you saw never made up its mind up always changed kept you guessing what was next..Would you chose to live this life of faith and heartache. I’ve become a man so lost and scorned by his peers i fear my fate in this town, this life means nothing. I’ve made to many bad choices. To many leaps of faith that have ended with me crashing to ground before all to see. Sadly in the end none of it matters for we are all selfish scared creatures of the flesh. I put my heart my sleeve to many times only to have it soiled. By bad choices and users. Are you in my life for good of me or the good of you? If my life ends does it matter? Has it ever mattered for more than just a blink of time,. This bag of bones and shaky skin.

If i could still run. i would run and never stop, burn this flesh to the bone of exhaustion for my heart and soul have nothing more to give. I exists in a house of fear and uncertain futures. I’ve lost my star and gained a a universe of unknown potentials all the while my heart breaks and fear pours from every oraphus.

Lost wandering in a crowd of vultures if i knew what was right then I’d chose but this disease of the nerves as left me blind. Everything is grey as I pray for clarity yet recieve ambiguous signs of fate. My heart and soul want to be done with this struggle. I’m to tired and sad. To care about much of anything. If I’m shown no hope then no hope is what i have. If I’m shown love and affection then it is that what i believe. I cannot guess or see anymore that gift has been taken from me.

Now it’s time to bleed the paint from my broken soul once again. Once again i will paint this nightmare of a life in beautiful colours so all can be happy. So that colours of bright greens and golds can wash over you as you are thankful for your things.. I will watch you from the gutters of this life. So eat and drink like kings and queens on mankind. I will sit and paint and write my finals days on this earth then waves goodbye as the seasons change. For i am no longer needed here. You’ll be alright without me. God will still be there for you as will all those you convent so dearly. It’s just I who have grown tired of this mortal coil. This burnden is to great at times. Life lived on day at time for those who don’t have privilege looks like the end eachday. It doesn’t look or feel like freedom. I looks like hell feels like hell and burns the life straight out of ones soul daily. That is why eachday i so desperately seek things of great beauty for the darkness engulfs me at every point and the further you wander from the light the easier the darkness can find you..

Forgive me for my sins, as it says around my neck, forgive my transgressions against man and creature alike. For in the end when the darkness swallows me whole i hope i gave you enough light to carry you along your path. I hope you find the peace in this life i could not. Fear not of these words for they won’t be my last but but they, you and this life have broken me. Walk just one mile in my shoes, live with stage 6-7 pain for as many years as i have, fight with corp greed when you’ve not even enough sense to know what days it is. Love blindly those who would leave you wondering in life where you stand or why you even stand at all of the lack sincerity. Then cast your judgement upon me….. The End.

Thank you for allowing me to write here. To express my fears, dreams and desires openly without judgemental eyes. This was a post nap free write. May the day bring hope, love and faith. Love being the most important thing of all for it binds us together in hope that better days will come.

All my love… Always.

Benjamin M Prewitt

What darkness becomesΒ 

I’ve stood here and watched for to long…. 

My hearts grown cold of seeking forgiveness in barren lands. Now I shall bare these burdens no longer. 

I seek shelter from these storms of life, a simple coffee and pen some paint a lover and muse. I’ve grown to tired to fight with words…  

No battle is greater than now so please forgive if my panic you find frightening, trust me my invisible nothingness this to shall pass.

As the seasons of man slips away so does the love from this heart. 

heavy is the heart of a man broken and marked for life…. 

What darkness comes for the light today has a name I shall never speak it again for even just the thought of it  makes demons hold their hearts in sorrow … The night comes quickly to those lost at sea. What darkness becomes….is up to you and is up to me.. 

B. 2016 #words 

On a night just like this.

On a night just like this the stars shown for us.
Brighter than the anything we’d…..ever seen.
Long walks in fall as the leaves changed.
Followed by winters warmed by the fire.
Gently snow drifts down as softlights guide,;bright lights into springs hands as the body renews and life begins again. Slow at first with just buds of the future showing clear and strong.

Then into growth with branches clear and clean. Woven mysteries like tapestries drift from the northern lights to my heart. Each pulse a beacon of strength and knowing that I am never truly alone in this world.

On a night just like this I forgave myself for loving you and for you never loving me. That is why on a night just like this the stars shown for just me, for I am as you are and we shall forever be lost in time, misplaced but mine no more lost and forgotten as the hummingbirds have left the hillside and now I follow only my heart. Adieu.

Words have never been so bitter sweet as if spoken from a place looking down in shame.i am forever grateful for this life be it ending or flourish for a thousand more.
I shall speak of this no more.

Benjamin. 2016 

My life after you…. 

Old words made new. ~ As I lay me down to sleep

As I lay me down to sleep I pray The Lord my bones to keep.
Wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver thing.
Can you hear the trumpet sings how it calls and braes like wild things. Such times desire of loss mad and passions fire.
A tune of love and loss of things
Of pearls and diamonds and shiny things.
For the brace of a lovers touch a companions arm and the tender touch to ease the fire that burns this flesh from the inside out.
A simple kiss to seal the wish
That sleep…..will come to my side without the death bye her side.
Take these burdens, shakes and things.
And wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver things
I give you all a soul to steal
keep it gentle for it reveals
all its hopes, thoughts and dreams
in paint and prose of complex things.
If you listen closely you can here the pipers sound coming near.

B.2016
A life in progress
** it’s always harder at night**

Here I can come write,cry,scream or sit quietly. Here is home, house is where I keep my stuff.