Have you ever truly thought about what it means to live one day at a time. To live a life with no foreseeabke future. Living with a disorder that clouds your future to the point of obscurity. In our youth we find this thrilling a desire above so many others. Freedom to do as one wishes with no societal controls. The freedom to act with a selfish thoughtless greed. Then sickness or poverty hits.. A time in life when one must look up from the life of daily dailies and leave the confines of sickness. What if when you do everthing has changed for the worse. What if the motion that carried you has stopped. What if the passion that fueled your drive has burnt you to ground one to many times in life. What if you wake up and almost all the people you thought cared had passed judgment upon your head and heart. What if your own family had lost its need for you. What then.?
That life of living each day for the day looking back gave you nothing but heartache and sorrow. What if the future you saw never made up its mind up always changed kept you guessing what was next..Would you chose to live this life of faith and heartache. I’ve become a man so lost and scorned by his peers i fear my fate in this town, this life means nothing. I’ve made to many bad choices. To many leaps of faith that have ended with me crashing to ground before all to see. Sadly in the end none of it matters for we are all selfish scared creatures of the flesh. I put my heart my sleeve to many times only to have it soiled. By bad choices and users. Are you in my life for good of me or the good of you? If my life ends does it matter? Has it ever mattered for more than just a blink of time,. This bag of bones and shaky skin.
If i could still run. i would run and never stop, burn this flesh to the bone of exhaustion for my heart and soul have nothing more to give. I exists in a house of fear and uncertain futures. I’ve lost my star and gained a a universe of unknown potentials all the while my heart breaks and fear pours from every oraphus.
Lost wandering in a crowd of vultures if i knew what was right then I’d chose but this disease of the nerves as left me blind. Everything is grey as I pray for clarity yet recieve ambiguous signs of fate. My heart and soul want to be done with this struggle. I’m to tired and sad. To care about much of anything. If I’m shown no hope then no hope is what i have. If I’m shown love and affection then it is that what i believe. I cannot guess or see anymore that gift has been taken from me.
Now it’s time to bleed the paint from my broken soul once again. Once again i will paint this nightmare of a life in beautiful colours so all can be happy. So that colours of bright greens and golds can wash over you as you are thankful for your things.. I will watch you from the gutters of this life. So eat and drink like kings and queens on mankind. I will sit and paint and write my finals days on this earth then waves goodbye as the seasons change. For i am no longer needed here. You’ll be alright without me. God will still be there for you as will all those you convent so dearly. It’s just I who have grown tired of this mortal coil. This burnden is to great at times. Life lived on day at time for those who don’t have privilege looks like the end eachday. It doesn’t look or feel like freedom. I looks like hell feels like hell and burns the life straight out of ones soul daily. That is why eachday i so desperately seek things of great beauty for the darkness engulfs me at every point and the further you wander from the light the easier the darkness can find you..
Forgive me for my sins, as it says around my neck, forgive my transgressions against man and creature alike. For in the end when the darkness swallows me whole i hope i gave you enough light to carry you along your path. I hope you find the peace in this life i could not. Fear not of these words for they won’t be my last but but they, you and this life have broken me. Walk just one mile in my shoes, live with stage 6-7 pain for as many years as i have, fight with corp greed when you’ve not even enough sense to know what days it is. Love blindly those who would leave you wondering in life where you stand or why you even stand at all of the lack sincerity. Then cast your judgement upon me….. The End.
Thank you for allowing me to write here. To express my fears, dreams and desires openly without judgemental eyes. This was a post nap free write. May the day bring hope, love and faith. Love being the most important thing of all for it binds us together in hope that better days will come.
My hearts grown cold of seeking forgiveness in barren lands. Now I shall bare these burdens no longer.
I seek shelter from these storms of life, a simple coffee and pen some paint a lover and muse. I’ve grown to tired to fight with words…
No battle is greater than now so please forgive if my panic you find frightening, trust me my invisible nothingness this to shall pass.
As the seasons of man slips away so does the love from this heart.
heavy is the heart of a man broken and marked for life….
What darkness comes for the light today has a name I shall never speak it again for even just the thought of it makes demons hold their hearts in sorrow … The night comes quickly to those lost at sea. What darkness becomes….is up to you and is up to me..
On a night just like this the stars shown for us.
Brighter than the anything we’d…..ever seen.
Long walks in fall as the leaves changed.
Followed by winters warmed by the fire.
Gently snow drifts down as softlights guide,;bright lights into springs hands as the body renews and life begins again. Slow at first with just buds of the future showing clear and strong.
Then into growth with branches clear and clean. Woven mysteries like tapestries drift from the northern lights to my heart. Each pulse a beacon of strength and knowing that I am never truly alone in this world.
On a night just like this I forgave myself for loving you and for you never loving me. That is why on a night just like this the stars shown for just me, for I am as you are and we shall forever be lost in time, misplaced but mine no more lost and forgotten as the hummingbirds have left the hillside and now I follow only my heart. Adieu.
Words have never been so bitter sweet as if spoken from a place looking down in shame.i am forever grateful for this life be it ending or flourish for a thousand more.
I shall speak of this no more.
As I lay me down to sleep I pray The Lord my bones to keep.
Wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver thing.
Can you hear the trumpet sings how it calls and braes like wild things. Such times desire of loss mad and passions fire.
A tune of love and loss of things
Of pearls and diamonds and shiny things.
For the brace of a lovers touch a companions arm and the tender touch to ease the fire that burns this flesh from the inside out.
A simple kiss to seal the wish
That sleep…..will come to my side without the death bye her side.
Take these burdens, shakes and things.
And wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver things
I give you all a soul to steal
keep it gentle for it reveals
all its hopes, thoughts and dreams
in paint and prose of complex things.
If you listen closely you can here the pipers sound coming near.
A life in progress
** it’s always harder at night**
Here I can come write,cry,scream or sit quietly. Here is home, house is where I keep my stuff.
Good morning,afternoon and evening which ever it may be for you. I’d like to report in that all is well and feel like a million dollars. But in truth I’m tired, very tired and my body is very sore and has been for a week. Sore to the point where my tendons feel stiff like bone and the tension pulling them feels as though it will rip them from the very bone they are attached to. Yes, that kind of pain. Lol. But it’s okay right ? Everyday has its own set of challenges and obstacles to observe and concore. To I sit in the cold and rain, dark and wind of the morning thinking of my life. This time of year has a way of making one reflect on lives lived and things gone by. This year I must say a feel pensive detachment from the season. I’m still waiting to confirm that cancer isn’t a factor in my life and as I wait , I feel my body aching and my throat tighten with each passing day. The weight still dropping, mean while I prance around pretending that everything is okay.
It’s been hard this year to handle the changes as they come. I’ve failed once already this year at life as change took me by surprise not once but twice. But I digress the point is never to live in the PST but to learn from and move forward. Now does that mean we move forward alone or with others ? Who’s to say really, I’ve found that life, for me, is far to complicated to decern and as Parkinson’s destroys my ability to separate perceived fact from fiction I find these days I’m doubtful of every choice I make for the fear that I’ve make the wrong choice lingers. Blue or green, fish or chicken. Cable or electricity. All of which I’m finding I see only in shades of muddy grey. You see it shakes the very foundation of a persons soul when they are tossed aside like last weeks newspaper, old news, used, read, learned and unwanted. Be it from friends,lovers,family or stranges alike. We all need to feel validated and trusted.
Well…… Apparently I’m going to talk briefly about many things bouncing around in my head today. I feel like crap, I wish I had a more poetic way to say it. I’m sure I could one but the point would be lost in flowery words. Simply, I’m in pain.7-8 my shoulders have little range of motion, my hips cam barely sustain the pain to keep me upright and my balance sucks. Please understand there is NOTHING anyone can do. This IS PARKINSONS DISEASE. See Dr’s don’t really tell you what it’s going to be like because PD is different for everyone. Words like, stiffness,rigidity,cognitive loss, positional instablity,dementia,distonic cramps, dyskinesia. Normal people don’t know what to associate these words to, nor did I at first…. Honestly they don’t mean shit until you experience them with a neurological disorder. Imagine two cars, these are the messages your brain want to send to your face , one says smile,the others says,laugh. Well Parkinson’s disease derails those cars on their way. The car saying laugh made it just fine, but the car saying smile ended up backing into the pain center and sent stage 9 waves of pain down your foot making your to s feel like they are on fire from electricity. So you need up with a face that isn’t smiling and ends up looking a bit pained as a it laughs,but no smile, because remember one of those cars made it to its destination. So you get it, messed up brain signals.oh the joy lol.
Right then today. Ot and PT here in Portland Oregon then back home, clean, paint and sleep. I’m starting off this week not feeling well as this last Saturday and Sunday were very bad pain days, stiffness,rigidity,slow. So starting the week not feeling 100% can be tricky. Either I’ll gain strength from the activities of the day and week or it will kick my ass and make my symptoms worse. Sadly there is no real way of knowing what my bodies reaction will be. On to happier news I finished a small piece ..
Well sadly the last two hrs of this F’ing post was deleted somehow.probably me being a dork. But I’m tired. I’m home back from OHSU, goodday and goodnight. I’ve new paintings to show, so I’ll be back.