April 4th I check in at the imaging department at OHSU. On the 5th I rest and finish any and all last minute life stuff. The next day on the 6th of April I have my official surgery. I stay in the hospital overnight, then assuming all goes well a few days later they insert my power pack, then 2-3 weeks later I get plugged in and tuned up. They’ve provided 3 days worth of housing free of charged which is a blessing indeed . Unfortunately the who process is two surgeries and a recommended 30 day healing and stabilization period. These donations will go directly to the lodging and direct care that OHSU and insurance doesn’t cover. Any and all donations are impactful and I can’t express my gratitude and thanks for all of you. Please share the link even if you can’t help monitarily . All things done with love and light will be successful. Always and with some luck, science and faith I’ll see you all on the other side of this. If not please remember to always be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.
There was a time when life was clear. Each day I’d wake, go to work come home hopefully making dinner with the family, movie-tv time evening chill then sleeps, rinse and repeat for years. Now I feel challenged at every turn, pulled and pushed in every way possible that a man and human could be taxed of heart,body and soul. This candle grows dim with each deception and sin I swallow so the world can rest in peace as I bury their secret whispers to God along with daises in my graveyard. You’ve broken me and my robot heart with your robot heart breaking machine that you’ve crafted over a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others lies. Greed makes people crazy, I know as I’ve nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing to hold onto but the sound of my own voice and pounding heart. Nothing else to lose except myself.
Why??? I scream at the heavens as I beg for forgiveness why must I be so cursed with this body and mind. This soul on fire. A walking zombie just waiting to to hear that golden horn to take me home. Faith has a way of making us feel super human, like we are closer to God than anyone else. Are we though can you not decern the voice of God from your own nor the whispers of demons in your ears and flutters in your broken robot heart.
Now life is not clear or good it is not the life I want to have anymore. There is to much pain, fear, anxiety and confusion here in this new place of life. All my safety nets gone, just me and my bad choices. At least I can be accountable for my actions, reasons don’t have to be excuses sometimes it is just a reason but I’ve have learned that when think you’ve got life you’ll find life has got you. . I’m tired of this knowing, seeing, feeling of peoples hidden truths. It is a burden a can no longer bare. Sleep will come soon and I will find her again in heaven as I rest my tired soul.
Benjamin 2018
**Just working through some stuff, as a writer and artist here is my canvas. Do not judge what you can’t even imagine.
The morning finds me again up before the birds and beast, left with only the thoughts in my soul, the aches in my bones and the passion in my heart. I find today lonely in a selfish kind of way for today I officially give away part of my soul. Today at 8:00 am pst I meet the woman from the girl scouts and give away a piece of me. She had to reschedule from last Wednesday. Selling or donating any piece of my art is always tricky for me as I pour so much of who I am into each piece. It’s not just paint and wood to me it literally is a part of me. I have a friend in Florence Italy who owns a small dance studio that has a very early piece of my work and when ever I talk to him no matter how much time has passed between visits he says “I don’t need to know how you are my friend, I carry you with me” which is so true. He does. Anyhow I ramble. To the world and those who read this, be well, have passion and compassion. For the gifts of life are those who you surround yourself with. No matter how brief every connection you make has the chance to last a life time. So love, cherish and thrive.
Sincerely.
Benjamin
Expressions of my life - An evolution of art. 