Then again maybe not

It’s been a while since I’ve had anything of substance to share that wasn’t tainted with my anger, deep deep grief and unyeilding sense of loss I’ve carried with me the days and months that my life truly fell apart. Divorce, death, cancer, chronic pain, abuse at the hands of trusted family and friends. Sadly it seems this is what my world became during my battle with cancer and during the time I should have been recovering from, honestly what probably should have killed me. I was fighting for my life and sanity. Now I sit 3 years safe in the mountain home hiding from everything and everyone. It’s almost my 51st birthday and I’ve I’ve barely bought new clothes or furnishings of any kind since M tossed out my stuff and since Paula tried to blackmail me and my family by tossing me to desert and stealing what was left of a life I’d never back and who knows if I’ll ever truly recover from the life that’s been given me.

When I was younger I learned very very early that the world was an evil place. In doing so I looked for the good in everyone, this to fault by holding onto false hopes that a person would ever change the way I saw the goodness in them. I learned that just knowing where an issue comes from or that it is an issue at all is entirely different that possessing the ability to know how to fix it. In a few short days assuming I live to see my birthday I’ll be 51. I’m thankful for the people I have in my life, though I will always carry the grief of a broken father. I don’t where my son is, I don’t know why he and I don’t speak or why we stopped speaking. I just hope he knows how much I love him and miss him. I hope he can forgive me for my part in the loss of his family constuct. I hope someday he and many others understand that so did I…. Much love and happy almost birthday to me.

Special prayers to those who passed before me, Dad, Grandma Ruth, Grandma Pat, Josh and probably more in the month of May than I care to remember. Be well out there in the land of pandemic and mayhem. Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have. You never know when everything can change. B-2021

Sunday 12-16-18