If this is a dream do not wake me for I have found heaven in the heart of this darkness. In the hardest of times I gave it all up. I had somehow become unworthy of love and happiness as it had been known to me. I had become more, or maybe less than I was as a man. Either way when the dust settled I was alone, barren of the seed and fruits of my life long labor. All my memories dashed upon the rocks of a misguided future and worst still,there were monsters waiting at home to devour what was left .
You didn’t leave a stone unturned this universe of God and mankind. I , you have deconstructed this human beast into a diffrent creation, something of joy and beauty, sadly cursed with the passion of a thousand men the heart of a lion, the soul of saint, tongue of the devil and hand of a hero.
I come to you on bended knee take me as I am. Take me for me and I’ll give you all that I be.. I have nothing and everything to give,.the only thing left is me.
I have no more strength to deal with these thieves and liars. Take my life’s work, take my heart and soul for you’ve used them raw and empty. I’m a worthless shell of man with nothing to show for this miserable existence you’ve left me.
God’s light pours from my wounds as you laugh and point at the demise of me. Just a man trying to find a soft place to rest my head. No drama no fights. Just paint and writing. Enjoying what’s left of this life and body. I am not what you think I am I am not your past triggers I am not your demons I am as mirror simple and true what people cast upon me is simply a reflection of you. I have no agenda or plot. No grand schemes other than to see beautiful things in everyone and everywhere. Chemo and cancer, radiation and Parkinson’s disease don’t make good mixes one speeds the other. They feed off of each other until i, me . The man you see before you today, dizzy in thoughts and body. Shaky of hand and heart. This, me is simply a man literally dying to find peace… What evils you would perceive in me are very honestly your own. All I’ve ever wanted was to have a companion to share this wicked yet beautiful adventure with… So judge away, point and whisper huddle in your coven and magik away. I’ve know all my life whom I’m supposed to be. I am Benjamin Micheal Prewitt. I am a vessel of light for those who need be. I am a warrior of any Creed by your side whenever in need. I am lover, a husband, a father and friend. I was that guy that would have stayed until the bitter end. A loyal dog, unwaivering by your side.. Sadly this world has killed me. For the my light surely will fade. I can feel no love only slowly fading shades of grey.
Benjamin-catharic writing to save my soul from what my heart and hands would. 🙏
609pm pst and I’m lost in thoughts. I have been all day. With the tragic and sudden end to my attempt at a better life just recently. Then coming home to a house being sold. A 60 notice to move, a law battle to regain my rightfully paid for and earned Cigna disability income. A battle to retrieve my personal,medical and legal items from Arizona plus move hereove to a new house in Salem is rediculous and I’ve almost had enough. It’s much for one person to bare. My son and daughter have forgotten about me and really I’m over it. Everytime I try and fix this broken thing that is me I end up making things worse. Seriously right now is beyond me, beyond anything I know how to cope with.
I’m grateful for my beating heart I have but right now on this day at this time I am miserable. Why can’t I simply put myself in an environment where I can paint and write in peace?!
Either I become involved with my caregivers or I’ve a family member and that’s not a fair burden to put on A person who isn’t a true employee. There is to much family and not enough business of health care. Often in those cases or to easily one party can feel used or unappreciated over time.
At this point I’ve given up on love. This last experience was exactly, literally my largest fear as a disabled Adult realized. Even as a grown man I can not tell you how terrifying it was to find myself away from everything I know in the hands a person I thought knew but entrusted my life and well-being to have that person turn against me and force me into a homeless shelter with no notice or justified provication.
I don’t know, wtf I’m doing. I’m fucking still having flashbacks backs of that day and night in the shelter, then the 4 days of travel. Me, my leg brace,knee brace, cane 2,boxes and 2 bags and no help. No caregiver no friends or friendly faces. Pill schedule, diet and life thrown to the wolves like some disposable cup or common piece of litter.
Now just for my sanities sake I sit here and write it out, try and replay the day , weeks, years of the last few and find where Ive gone wrong. I’m I forever lost with disease of Parkisons, never again to be able to decern the right choice from the wrong choice. I’m simply to tired and work to go on losing. I can’t, don’t have the strength of soul anymore. I don’t have the physical strength or endurance of a young man anymore. I have the body and mind of a man who barely escaped cancer, isn’t nearly done with recovery from that and has been actively taking medication for Parkisons disease for 8 years.!!
All of this shit hitting me at once has me freaking done. I’m numb, I don’t know what door to choose and I’m not sure anyone can make that choice for me, but I’ve obviously proven time and time again over the last 5 years I can’t fucking make a sound choice to Save my life. Half my family and most of my friends have left my side specifically b cause of what Parkisons disease has done to my brains and emotional functions. Chemotherapy and radiation treatment didn’t help any especially straight to my head.
Honestly I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore. Sad to watch what I thought was a fairly successful life go so far wrong so far from what the center was. I try daily to just look at the bright side of life, I try every day to stay calm and loving. The kind of person who is compassionate and understanding, but I don’t know what goes wrong. It’s to hard on people when they can’t understand that a PWP often can’t hear their tone, nor came we normal autonomic controls over our diaphragm or esophagus muscles, mine even worse because of throat cancer treatment. Sorry I lost track, another thing that drives me nuts about Parkisons disease, focus… I have none, zip, zero, nada. I can’t even tell you how long it’s taken me just to write a few scattered paragraphs on a subject that it so near and dear to me.
Anyhow, I’m tired, I’m sick, I’m fearful of the future and honestly I’m tired of being used by other people. Always for their gain. People who force me into “Normal” situations knowing full well that I’m incapable of making clear and present good healthy choices and then get upset when I don’t react as expected… No shit people I have fucking advanced Parkinson’s Disease.. Sorry last minute vent.
I hope your life has been kinder than mine and if it’s not I pray that your will be.