There are times

There are times in this life where i feel so isolated in this disease of Parkinson’s. The internal tremor that rattels my bones to the core each day. The rigidity that binds tendons tightening muscles in constant motion either inside or out, all held together by an invisble fog that binds only me and my mind to the shell of man i used to be. No time to adjust to the new me as it morphes again taking larger pieces of me with it each time.

Finding in these mornings most glorious and dark at times. Waking eachday with an ache so deep in my body, as if my very soul resists kicking and screaming as the relentless mass of parkinson’s disease bares its weight on this body and mind. Yet here i sit.. Watching in moments of clarity and depth. I weep as the pain in my hips is unbareble, hands tremble as shoulders heave in dystonic cramp. Tendons bound and wound so tightly as they twist and turn my feet and hips with torturous strength.

Ah yet i breath i find peace in the knowing.. The knowing that i am just one part of all of all of this beauty in the struggle of human life. This body, this construct of time and fear. Of math and metrics measured in sunsets and darkness, flowers and trees… Hopes and dreams..

Only then as i master this mind this soul. Slowing rejoining the light… Can I breathe as i watch the world around me react is i die… As i slowly need more reminders of what day it is or what the universe of doctors and vampires have instore for me. Slowly as these morning thoughts come to a close..

Please remember I’ve always loved you. Follow your heart for it is more pure than you know. Listen to your gut for it is wiser than you think and take care with your mind for it needs the time to ingest the magnification of lifes endless choices in this lifetime, but take head never stray from the path of light or one will spend a lifetime returning to it.

Benjamin- 2017 #myshakylife

“Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” ©2012

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Morning muse

There you are so far away now yet still my soul feels your heart beating. I feel the tears rolling down your cheeks. The silent sobs in the shower.

All so farway yet pounding in my heart, mind and soul. Why did leave so swiftly in the night? Such butterfly kisses wound deeply now. Each breath burns and chokes as your tears fall through time from your heart to mine. Forevermore to scar my heart.

Morning muse.

Benjamin-2017

Truth

Truth be told I’m not sure my heart can handle this grief. Nor to care to bare its  memory. My soul is bare and you are there with no change. No change in routines just a silent heartache you deserve. Yet I bask here on this last sunny day in the Indian summer that just may be my last and I grieve though one should never covent another’s treasure so perhaps I deserve my punishment after all. Truth be told.

b-2017 “May you always have the courage to be the best version of yourself you can be each and every day. ”

#mylifewithparkinson’s

Old words made new. ~ As I lay me down to sleep

As I lay me down to sleep I pray The Lord my bones to keep.
Wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver thing.
Can you hear the trumpet sings how it calls and braes like wild things. Such times desire of loss mad and passions fire.
A tune of love and loss of things
Of pearls and diamonds and shiny things.
For the brace of a lovers touch a companions arm and the tender touch to ease the fire that burns this flesh from the inside out.
A simple kiss to seal the wish
That sleep…..will come to my side without the death bye her side.
Take these burdens, shakes and things.
And wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver things
I give you all a soul to steal
keep it gentle for it reveals
all its hopes, thoughts and dreams
in paint and prose of complex things.
If you listen closely you can here the pipers sound coming near.

B.2016
A life in progress
** it’s always harder at night**

Here I can come write,cry,scream or sit quietly. Here is home, house is where I keep my stuff.

Et tu Brutî

On this darkest day oh hollow man shed this wanten skin….Bleed no more for these these things

That cause pause to a soldiers heart.
Such fragile breath on angels wings
Bared ones heart to scissored strings.

Never more shall I go into the darkness alone.
Never more shall I throw stones,,In glass houses.
Never more shall I sing of things to the tune of a def ear and blinded eye.

Silent such voided love and fill this cup with pain and paint.
Fill this vessel oh world of wonder for this knight grows long in the hall of unrequited love..
Born of mystery and misery…. Of healing want in one hand and a lovers whip in another..

Fly…fly away with the birds and the bees. 
Flowers and trees for these things have no place in this heart of darkness.

These halls are mine.. And mine alone…
Cursed to wander for a thousand , thousand years…
Alone…me and these words…. Me and this paint that grows…

Alone…. or iam i destined to this life? id there a queen fit for my fits and delusions, these sharks and quakes that bury my mind and heart. For the one that heald my hand for better or for worse cast me aside and the beauty queen who said she’d stay lost her way.

Do you dare hold the hand of dying mad man? To watch as the chaos closes my eyes and blinds my mind for the final time here in chapter three of me…..?
the end.
b.
2016
post words:
words of fear and love spilled blindly these days as hope for a dream in dream that will take home once again for my sword and sheild have grown tired of the fight. I trade these tools of destruction and madness for hoe and shovel,All ove ever wanted is to come home….to plant a garden a fill it with love, art and the reminder that this world is heaven on earth. Someone just forget to us the right story.