Letters to my son: page 734

I wish I knew what to say. I wish knew where you were or what happened. I had cancer , you came to see me , I didn’t die, I tried so hard to live so that we could have a life together. I know it wasn’t the life we wanted to have or that we had as a family. I’m sorry for that change in our lives, but please understand that all the choices were not mine. Many of those choices were made for me or my reactions to things around me. I never meant for one second to lose you in all of this. Slowly as the chemo-brain fog and radiation treatments fade. In between the moments where Parkinson’s disease doesn’t have me running every which way. I see things clearly and yet I don’t understand why you are not here with me from time to time . Why did you have to disappear and where did you go. What happened between us that would take you so far away. I can’t imagine myself ever doing anything that would make you leave like this. I tried to give our family everything I didn’t have growing up and in many ways I did. We wanted for nothing. Little did I know the thing I didn’t give you was myself. Even though I gave you everything of myself , after 50,60,70 hrs of work a week providing for the family. There was barely waking time to be a family. Though my mind is filled only with joyful memories I can only assume that your are not. For if your childhood wasn’t the gift I thought it was I’m truly sorry. I did everything, gave everything I had and in the end when I got sick , it felt like everyone left . Left me to die , let me have this burden of Parkinson’s alone with no family to find shelter upon. No home to come home to. Then came the cancer and soon to follow a line of humans who would have rather taken everything from me rather than see me well. Tisha and Paula. Shame on you. So here I am yet again writing to you, writing to the world cruel as it is. Where are you? What happened to you? To us. I am here , I alive, not entirely lost to my diagnosis, painting and writing, growing green things and food to eat. Living a lift inspired by living well. I’m not rich anymore, I don’t have anything to call my own. No Physical reminder of my past. All that stolen from me in Arizona. Everything is worked for all my life of gone. Every gift, memory of my life ripped from me. Now I am truly and only a representative of myself. No fancy clothes or nice things, no house of my own nor future to offer. But I am and have always been a kind and gentle soul. Generous and kind to a fault. Naive to the true evils of man and womankind alike. I miss you my son and I miss my step daughter as well though it’s odd to say it that way as I never raised you as a step anything. So here I reach out knowing not what else to do. Here I leave a story written from me to you. In hopes before I’m gone , before PD takes my fully my ability to even recognize your face I hope with every heartbeat and every breath that I’ll have the chance to know you again. Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, please know that you are loved and cherished, missed dearly with every fiber of my being. I love you boo and wish I knew what to say or what to do to make you come back to me. Sincerely your Dad, your father. Benjamin M Prewitt.

Somewhere between Heaven and Hell. Ode to you..

And I wept with the Moon for I knew she was no longer mine… Each moment slipping further into night as dawn chased her away… I begged, pleading to the Moon for love is like begging the Sun for Mercy. Her Fire and Passion consume all who dare taste her flame. Yet still I weep as the wheels turn and my heart grinds to a bitter end. So now I tuck in this heart and shaking hands. Bare no more witness to my heart and soul. For sleep, sweet sleep has replaced your name on my tongue and weary heart. Goodnightmoon
B-2018
#iwritestuff #abstractexpressionism #pnwartist #strongerthanyouknow #missingyou

Today-I woke….

Today I woke falling.

Reaching for you.

But you’d gone already

You were there right in front of me

But you’d already pushed me

Out.

Today I woke looking for the

Hand, the person I hold so

Closely to my heart

But you’d gone and I’m falling.

Benjamin-2018

Eachday is a gift

Recently I’ve been going through some stuff that has taught me a lot about myself and others. I’ve learned I’m patient but only to a certain degree. I’ve learned I’m vulnerable and fearful of so much more than I ever dreamt of. Being forced to self examine is hard, even harder if you are being honest with yourself. I’m insecure and have a hard time communicating**which is funny bc I love words** I’ve learned that I need verbal and physical support from my companion or physical partner. I’ve learned that I feel more fufilled as a human if I’m preforming Acts of service for others. I’ve also learned that I prefer to have a partner. I’ve learned that I can be easily distracted by shiny things but I’m a loyal dog through and through. I’ve learned that yes you can have to many roommates 😂😂.

I’ve learned that my life is my life and I’m the only one who can make me happy.

The other day I was greated by a police officer who came to do a welfare check on me,. Then the lead organizer at OHSU center for health and healing called, followed by my neuropsychologist, and I had two visits from ppl making sure I was still alive. I explained to each that yes I’m heartbroken and depressed, sure I’ll admit it, I’m sick of this life, didn’t ask for it,feel cheated and robbed of everything I worked for..ect.ect.ect… well after this last episode of Let’s see how many failed human relationships can Benjamin have in a lifetime. 💔🎉🏁😢 But here’s the thing, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live this life… So what are my choices, continue on this same path?? No because that my friends will lead to my destruction. I will self implode and the darkness will eat me whole whilst I watch.

So I’m going to focus on my art work, focus on this new church I found and forget about the drama and hurt of my old life.

I was raised to be a good man in a bad world and I let myself get caught up in trying to be everything to everyone and forgot about my own soul. Well after my day of choices

1. To pull the pug.

2. Stay on this rock a bit more.

I’m going to be me, I’m a cancer survivor 1 year remission, pending CT/PET scan. Fingers crossed. I live eachday with Parkinson’s disease that effect all parts of my life,body,mind and soul. But those are just the things that happened to me on my journey from there to here. The person I want to be a person who is happy to wake up, has faith in the universe, God, Allah,Krishna whom ever. A person who looks forward to a day of great deeds and uplifting others while I paint and write of the adventures of human depths of mind,body and soul.

Sidenote: chemical depression and anxiety is the real deal. I thought I’d experienced depression before… No. Not even close, true chemical depression has me by the chin 🤔😉 and it’s a whole new level of hell I’d never imagined could be real.

Anyhow eachday is a gift and how do I know??? Because I just walked up to the edge and saw the truth and the truth is I’m not done. I’m not sure what my purpose is anymore,father, husband,lover,painter,poet,Sin eater,warrior, friend and mentor. Honestly I don’t know what comes next but I do know that each day I will do one thing just for me,just for myself and the child inside of me. One thing that is more than eat,walk, sleep**take meds every 2-3 hrs 😤.

I do know that I want to be happy and the only way to do that is to start with the very secondly at hand……. So I came here to write and get off my feet. I’ve been walking more than I should be, No car at the moment..long story lol. 💔 Another day.

Well my dear friends and family that come here to spy on and support me 😂😂😂 I love and appreciate you all deeply. I hope whatever you are and whatever you are doing, that you know you are loved, cherished and missed.

The end.

Benjamin. 2018

On a night just like this.

On a night just like this the stars shown for us.
Brighter than the anything we’d…..ever seen.
Long walks in fall as the leaves changed.
Followed by winters warmed by the fire.
Gently snow drifts down as softlights guide,;bright lights into springs hands as the body renews and life begins again. Slow at first with just buds of the future showing clear and strong.

Then into growth with branches clear and clean. Woven mysteries like tapestries drift from the northern lights to my heart. Each pulse a beacon of strength and knowing that I am never truly alone in this world.

On a night just like this I forgave myself for loving you and for you never loving me. That is why on a night just like this the stars shown for just me, for I am as you are and we shall forever be lost in time, misplaced but mine no more lost and forgotten as the hummingbirds have left the hillside and now I follow only my heart. Adieu.

Words have never been so bitter sweet as if spoken from a place looking down in shame.i am forever grateful for this life be it ending or flourish for a thousand more.
I shall speak of this no more.

Benjamin. 2016 

My life after you….