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Escorts and Ascots~

If I gave you my heart would you tare it apart? Could you, would you know what to do with a love so tender and true.From this I have seen and what could it mean that our actions speak louder than words. Or shall it be said that whispers in bed fall upon deaf ears by daylights dawn.

A pawn I’ll not be for if I’m set free then that will be that and the last of me you’ll see.

For a fool I am not nor do I ask of a lot

Just simply to be held in your heart.
You hide behind your broken wings taking only what you want when you need it.

Leaving a wake a hurt and confusion in your path.

All in the name of reclamation of self 

All in the name of I can and me first.

Sadly when the dust settles I’ll be gone

And you’ll have missed out on the joy and happiness 

I had to share, the undying love and need to nurture and care for you

To build you up and carry you when you were weak

That will all be gone as you’ve left me in the ashes 

and broken pieces you left behind 

B~

Originally written 6/5/15

Rewritten 5/24/16

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For my son….

I can’t even begin to express
This feeling that crushes
And burns in my chest.
It claws at my heart and tears
At my brain
slowly it breaks me
and drives me insane.
These tears that flow,
show no signs
Of slow nor stopping any time soon. I’ve loved you forever
and over the moon.
Yes… Your my everything
and my in between
your are my heart before it fell apart and made me this
thing I’ve become.
I’ll love you forever
for you are my blood
You carry my name and the next
Chance to be,
a better man, father
and person than me….

I love and miss you my boy with every breath I take.
Love,
Dad.

8/30/2015

“A life in progress”
2015

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Dreams of a child

Dreams:
When I was I boy I traveled the stars
On a bed with wings and chocolate bars
I soared with angels and fought with demons, changed the weather controlled all the seasons

When I was a boy I wandered the desert and gazed at the sky
I turned into a bird and learned how to fly.
I sailed in the oceans and swallowed a sea
Found my true evil she looked just like me.

When I was a boy a dream I was a man stable and sturdy healthy and strong
Now I’m a man and dream as I may
Something was lost to a far younger day.

There was a calm that came across the morning sky as if all the angels has sung at once.
My heart and head rested in this silence guided by dulcet tones of calm.
Hues is blue, gold and green washed over me as if the palette of god painted my soul it self.
My body rested from its pain,tremor and twisted long enough to hear the angels sing.
A gift of serenity, peace and calm I will cherish through out the day.

*** today was a hard day.
B.

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#!?#!? Getting real……….moments of truth

The following is an excerpt from my journal *public, I’ve stayed away from my journal for a number of reasons over the past 4-5 months mostly because the things I needed to experience I needed to do so without being in the eyes of the public. Sorry bout that. Any how this entry is a bit science(y) but it speaks directly to “Pain with Parkinson’s” this was a topic is hoped to never write about again’ matter of fact it was the driving force behind me starting this blog nearly 3 years ago. Any how here’s the entry. I’m going to try really hard to not write about my personal life outside of PD because honestly nobody wants to know what I do behind closed doors lol.

The following entries are a daily recording of my journey with young onset Parkinson’s disease. I don’t sleep check, format, edit my thoughts or words so if harsh language or people being blunt isn’t your thing then by all means go away😉 I will not be discussing or journaling my private life in these pages as those are saved for my eyes and those whom I can trust implicitly. I do how ever feel it’s important for the people who read this later after I’m gone to understand what it’s like to really live with Parkinson’s disease these Are all the things a patient such as myself could never say in the measly 45 min twice a year I get with my specialist team
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following entries are a daily recording of my journey with young onset Parkinson’s disease. I don’t sleep check, format, edit my thoughts or words so if harsh language or people being blunt isn’t your thing then by all means go away😉 I will not be discussing or journaling my private life in these pages as those are saved for my eyes and those whom I can trust implicitly. I do how ever feel it’s important for the people who read this later after I’m gone to understand what it’s like to really live with Parkinson’s disease these Are all the things a patient such as myself could never say in the measly 45 min twice a year I get with my specialist team
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11/6/14 3a pst
I spent yesterday in bed, sans a small but costly time at PT. I’ve been really depressed lately and it been so hard or impossible to stay focused. Honestly my symptoms have me a bit worried an what’s worse is this isolated little paper tucked away in a website for of a million words is where I decide to tell my story. Sad really.
Pain let’s talk bout pain for sec, pain with pd presents itself to me in2-4 ways. 1. Stiffness. You may be thinking hmmm, but stiff doesn’t hurt does it. Noo it’s the moving after …. Say a whiplash or a major muscle strain. Well now imagine ever single one of your muscles down to the tiniest fiber feel strained.. Got it?? Now imagine that your body wants to do two things PD make your body stiff the medicine make you move = pain. So yes by proxy being stiff hurts ….a lot.
2. Neurological pain. “Central pain” For me this presents itself in 2 ways deep and excruciating muscle and bone pain like the worst Charlie horse you’ve ever had..ie: I once had my left calf “flex” for 3 days… Yes that hurt!!! So basically the signals in my brain forget their purpose and end up doing or telling the body the wrong thing..
3. Neuropathic pain… This one is really fun I’d say that over 3/4 of my body has a greatly diminished sense of touch or feel. So pd takes away my sense of pleasure am has replaced it either pain or a complete lack of sensation to pleasure, pain, heat an cold. Which in some cases can come in very handy😉 and others well not so much. Well that’s my ramble for the day. I’m sick at home with a sinus infection, I’m in 8-9 pain and I’m depressed. It’s not the prettiest story but at least I’m alive to tell it.

10/30/14 3p

Maybe I’m going to keep writing here maybe I’m not, I haven’t decided yet… I started this blog to find people of a like minds and it has taken me on a wonderful an most painful journey of my life and now I find myself wondering what to do with myself. My Parkinson’s is worsening my cognition is slipping and I often simply feel like a bemused observer with in this life. I’ve been feeling so disconnected to my life for some time now. Though it’s odd bc the second I stopped running from my life was the second I was found. And now I find I don’t know what to do with myself. How do I combine the monster and the man, my demons and human fragility with the passion that rips my heart and emotions apart daily as watch this body die…. My life, my heart, my perception.
Benjamin.
10/17/14 1-2am pst
I’ve started sleeping in the studio, it’s far past the time where I immerse myself back into my work and passion.
~~10/8/14 10:30p pst
Hmmm having one of those moments where someone says something that bugs you and you can’t figure out why……. Kind of a uncomfortable feeling. I think I question my happiness everyday. This “new” life is so thin…..
11/6/14 3a pst
I spent yesterday in bed, sans a small but costly time at PT. I’ve been really depressed lately and it been so hard or impossible to stay focused. Honestly my symptoms have me a bit worried an what’s worse is this isolated little paper tucked away in a website for of a million words is where I decide to tell my story. Sad really.
Pain let’s talk bout pain for sec, pain with pd presents itself to me in2-4 ways.
1. Stiffness. You may be thinking hmmm, but stiff doesn’t hurt does it. Noo it’s the moving after …. Say a whiplash or a major muscle strain. Well now imagine ever single one of your muscles down to the tiniest fiber feel strained.. Got it?? Now imagine that your body wants to do two things PD make your body stiff the medicine make you move = pain. So yes by proxy being stiff hurts ….a lot.

2. Neurological pain. “Central pain” For me this presents itself in 2 ways deep and excruciating muscle and bone pain like the worst Charlie horse you’ve ever had..ie: I once had my left calf “flex” for 3 days… Yes that hurt!!! So basically the signals in my brain forget their purpose and end up doing or telling the body the wrong thing..

3. Neuropathic pain… This one is really fun I’d say that over 3/4 of my body has a greatly diminished sense of touch or feel. So pd takes away my sense of pleasure am has replaced it either pain or a complete lack of sensation to pleasure, pain, heat an cold. Which in some cases can come in very handy😉 and others well not so much. Well that’s my ramble for the day. I’m sick at home with a sinus infection, I’m in 8-9 pain and I’m depressed. It’s not the prettiest story but at least I’m alive to tell it.

10/30/14 3p

Maybe I’m going to keep writing here maybe I’m not, I haven’t decided yet… I started this blog to find people of a like minds and it has taken me on a wonderful an most painful journey of my life and now I find myself wondering what to do with myself. My Parkinson’s is worsening my cognition is slipping and I often simply feel like a bemused observer with in this life. I’ve been feeling so disconnected to my life for some time now. Though it’s odd bc the second I stopped running from my life was the second I was found. And now I find I don’t know what to do with myself. How do I combine the monster and the man, my demons and human fragility with the passion that rips my heart and emotions apart daily as watch this body die…. My life, my heart, my perception.
Benjamin.
10/17/14 1-2am pst
I’ve started sleeping in the studio, it’s far past the time where I immerse myself back into my work and passion.
~~10/8/14 10:30p pst
Hmmm having one of those moments where someone says something that bugs you and you can’t figure out why……. Kind of a uncomfortable feeling. I think I question my happiness everyday. This “new” life is so thin…..

So there ya have it a glimpse into my heart, mind, body and soul. A dying man trying to find his way back to happy or at least something that makes me feel connected to something in this life….
** so please remember to always Be Brave, Be Bold and thrive in the life you have. You never know when it’s going to change…. And it will…

Benjamin
2014
“A life in progress”

**sneak peak
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First Paint+1

The end of summer and beginning of fall are always a time of great reflection for me. The days start to grow colder and shorter, the leaves here in the Pacific Northwest begin their change from green to gold. The world looks back at the summer days and longs for one more night.

One more sunburned kiss one more most amazing sunset ever.
**Special thanks to Ottawa for the sunset memories**
Lately I’ve been focusing on two pieces. Both born from a previous commissioned piece.
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#1 green/yellow/blue currently I’m not releasing the title.
And a close up.

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So far on This piece just the back ground is done. It’ll still add some primary aquatic color and texture.
The second piece is I’m colors of passion…. Or as I see it.

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And a little up close and personal pic.

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This piece will be completed in this style:

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I’ve also been re-touching an older oil piece. This was one of the first Abstract “mother and child” pieces I did starting back in the late 80’s early 90’s. This piece used to be 4 feet by 4 feet then one day durning a cross country move~ disaster struck…..a rip in the canvas..😦 this small 18-24 section is all that was salvageable. In my opinion it’s title and image still stand the test of time. It’s an embryonic view of mother and child.

IMG_7201.JPGclose up view again.

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Well folks that’s about all I’ve got for you today. I hope the world has been kind to you all and you to it. Please remember to always.
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have. You never know when it will change… And it will.

Always
Benjamin
2014
“A life in progress”