Today-I woke….

Today I woke falling.

Reaching for you.

But you’d gone already

You were there right in front of me

But you’d already pushed me

Out.

Today I woke looking for the

Hand, the person I hold so

Closely to my heart

But you’d gone and I’m falling.

Benjamin-2018

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Eachday is a gift

Recently I’ve been going through some stuff that has taught me a lot about myself and others. I’ve learned I’m patient but only to a certain degree. I’ve learned I’m vulnerable and fearful of so much more than I ever dreamt of. Being forced to self examine is hard, even harder if you are being honest with yourself. I’m insecure and have a hard time communicating**which is funny bc I love words** I’ve learned that I need verbal and physical support from my companion or physical partner. I’ve learned that I feel more fufilled as a human if I’m preforming Acts of service for others. I’ve also learned that I prefer to have a partner. I’ve learned that I can be easily distracted by shiny things but I’m a loyal dog through and through. I’ve learned that yes you can have to many roommates πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

I’ve learned that my life is my life and I’m the only one who can make me happy.

The other day I was greated by a police officer who came to do a welfare check on me,. Then the lead organizer at OHSU center for health and healing called, followed by my neuropsychologist, and I had two visits from ppl making sure I was still alive. I explained to each that yes I’m heartbroken and depressed, sure I’ll admit it, I’m sick of this life, didn’t ask for it,feel cheated and robbed of everything I worked for..ect.ect.ect… well after this last episode of Let’s see how many failed human relationships can Benjamin have in a lifetime. πŸ’”πŸŽ‰πŸπŸ˜’ But here’s the thing, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live this life… So what are my choices, continue on this same path?? No because that my friends will lead to my destruction. I will self implode and the darkness will eat me whole whilst I watch.

So I’m going to focus on my art work, focus on this new church I found and forget about the drama and hurt of my old life.

I was raised to be a good man in a bad world and I let myself get caught up in trying to be everything to everyone and forgot about my own soul. Well after my day of choices

1. To pull the pug.

2. Stay on this rock a bit more.

I’m going to be me, I’m a cancer survivor 1 year remission, pending CT/PET scan. Fingers crossed. I live eachday with Parkinson’s disease that effect all parts of my life,body,mind and soul. But those are just the things that happened to me on my journey from there to here. The person I want to be a person who is happy to wake up, has faith in the universe, God, Allah,Krishna whom ever. A person who looks forward to a day of great deeds and uplifting others while I paint and write of the adventures of human depths of mind,body and soul.

Sidenote: chemical depression and anxiety is the real deal. I thought I’d experienced depression before… No. Not even close, true chemical depression has me by the chin πŸ€”πŸ˜‰ and it’s a whole new level of hell I’d never imagined could be real.

Anyhow eachday is a gift and how do I know??? Because I just walked up to the edge and saw the truth and the truth is I’m not done. I’m not sure what my purpose is anymore,father, husband,lover,painter,poet,Sin eater,warrior, friend and mentor. Honestly I don’t know what comes next but I do know that each day I will do one thing just for me,just for myself and the child inside of me. One thing that is more than eat,walk, sleep**take meds every 2-3 hrs 😀.

I do know that I want to be happy and the only way to do that is to start with the very secondly at hand……. So I came here to write and get off my feet. I’ve been walking more than I should be, No car at the moment..long story lol. πŸ’” Another day.

Well my dear friends and family that come here to spy on and support me πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I love and appreciate you all deeply. I hope whatever you are and whatever you are doing, that you know you are loved, cherished and missed.

The end.

Benjamin. 2018

On a night just like this.

On a night just like this the stars shown for us.
Brighter than the anything we’d…..ever seen.
Long walks in fall as the leaves changed.
Followed by winters warmed by the fire.
Gently snow drifts down as softlights guide,;bright lights into springs hands as the body renews and life begins again. Slow at first with just buds of the future showing clear and strong.

Then into growth with branches clear and clean. Woven mysteries like tapestries drift from the northern lights to my heart. Each pulse a beacon of strength and knowing that I am never truly alone in this world.

On a night just like this I forgave myself for loving you and for you never loving me. That is why on a night just like this the stars shown for just me, for I am as you are and we shall forever be lost in time, misplaced but mine no more lost and forgotten as the hummingbirds have left the hillside and now I follow only my heart. Adieu.

Words have never been so bitter sweet as if spoken from a place looking down in shame.i am forever grateful for this life be it ending or flourish for a thousand more.
I shall speak of this no more.

Benjamin. 2016 

My life after you…. 

And then there was none.

I’ve grown tired of these fickle feelings. These lights I see that seem so bright from the distance dim so greatly as I approach.
Some want things,some want condolences to give or it take.
Some want to stand close to the fire.
But all get burned
There’s only been one to step fully in that light, but that fire has diminished to coals and burning ember tossed in the yard left to die.
There’s always lights in the distances it just seems my eyes and heart have grown week enough to not care . Bruised and beaten from trying to hard. Jaded and sharp from trying to play a game I’ve forgotten years ago.
I’ve grown tired and the Stars have grown dim.
Once I cared to much now these pains and cancers of this earth are slowly jading me taking little bits each time like birds of prey coming to pick the carcass clean. I yearn for the comfort of your hand on my back as I rest,  the sound of your heart against mine,  these are all dreams gone floating in the distance past. Just memories of dreams lost or ruined by time.  

The end of morning words. 

B. 2016
“A life in progress.”
I’ll walk this path along  if I must but I will leave scorched earth behind to remind all that to give up on hope and love is to give up on life itself.

Escorts and Ascots~

If I gave you my heart would you tare it apart? Could you, would you know what to do with a love so tender and true.From this I have seen and what could it mean that our actions speak louder than words. Or shall it be said that whispers in bed fall upon deaf ears by daylights dawn.

A pawn I’ll not be for if I’m set free then that will be that and the last of me you’ll see.

For a fool I am not nor do I ask of a lot

Just simply to be held in your heart.
You hide behind your broken wings taking only what you want when you need it.

Leaving a wake a hurt and confusion in your path.

All in the name of reclamation of self 

All in the name of I can and me first.

Sadly when the dust settles I’ll be gone

And you’ll have missed out on the joy and happiness 

I had to share, the undying love and need to nurture and care for you

To build you up and carry you when you were weak

That will all be gone as you’ve left me in the ashes 

and broken pieces you left behind 

B~

Originally written 6/5/15

Rewritten 5/24/16