In the middle of the night.

In the middle of the night, I wake with a fire of a thousand suns burning in my body.
Waves of nausea like an unsettled sea ebb and flow in this darkness as the sun rolls closer.
Then im up, awake wondering the darkness at 1:48a searching for a porcelain God to hurl insults at in tongues only the sick speak at 2am.
The weeks are starting to drag as I knew they would, honestly I’m surprised sheer Irish bullheadedness made it 5 weeks.
Now zen Ben has to come and play because it’s getting intense the burns,nausea.
It comes when I’m alone it waits until I’m vulnerable, until I’m cozy in my cancer cocoon of the blankets made from promises and prayers. It’s there where I wait for this demon of my pasted to be purged. Today I am tired and in pain. To many days that start and stop to much pain ever present non relenting constant burn to many people fallen by the wayside of grief and rage. Soon though, soon I will find a place where I am more loved than questioned and that place, that place will be home. Me, the dog I don’t have and paints I do will be off to “the other side of the mountain” I live in a valley so that doesn’t really make sense lol I could go about many mountains πŸ˜‚ honestly if I have it my way I’ll go across all of them, again. Any how slowly I’m waking it’s now almost 6:00am pst I’ve had 5 hrs to control the ick and now it’s time to start preparing the body and mind for treatment.
Much love and light.
B~ 2017
A life in progress


24-12-2016 tales from the C-train

They say it’s almost Christmas, I find it hard believe . I’ve no tree for the first time since I honestly can’t remember. I slept until 1:39 today if you don’t count the four hours I was up worshipful the porcelain God. πŸ˜²πŸ€’ lets just say the doctors predicted of about two week before the sickness hit was correct . It’s hard to explain the reality in ones head. Not emotionally but the physical oddity of radiation therapy and chemotherapy. How it makes you feel like you’re in a fog or a huge pit super far away. Everything is clear about what’s going on around me but I’m completely removed. You could tell me it’s my birthday after I woke up and I’d probably believe you. Totally removed lol. Then there’s the pain unreal, unexplainable in real non sensational way. I just pray for those who have gone through and will go through what I am. Not to mention the Parkinson’s disease. I’m not going to go into that at all right now. Needless to say but WOW. So since its already Christmas in most of the world. Merry Christmas and blessings to all other winter solstice religious and spiritual appreciations. Namaste.
Until another day
Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”



Morning music and a couple words

Today day is week 2 day 3 of the adventures on the C-train. Being Wednesday its double down day chemo and radiation double punch. Please excuse if I get a little silent over the next few days. Honestly the treatments are starting to take there tolls in new and interesting ways. Without complaining lets just say it’s taking all of my focus to be present during this process. That being said I’ve got to go wrestle with a bandage dressing that must stay dry during showering. Far easier said than lol it’s definitely a two person job.
Right then. Much love and light to all. Please remember
To always. “Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”
B. 2016
A life in progress.

Day 2 done…… 28 more to go. And okay….

Hi.. Thanks for tuning into what will eventually be simply called 
B. Takes the C-train.

Just the cancer section γ€Šjust to be clear》
I think it’s funny and kinda cute, not like teddy bear or fluffy bunny. 

More like a pink razor blade or paisley chainsaw. πŸ‘ΊπŸ‘ΉπŸ‘ΊπŸ‘»  and yes isn’t that damn bunny cute. 

So far I have to say that radiation and chemo therapy are my least favorite things I’ve done. Except divorce, my divorce sucked ballz. But thats another chapter of another book.

Today was day 2 of the C-train. I figured it wasn’t going to be cool or fun anything besides that lol. Today was an eye opener.  But the fact that I get to joke and laugh with some pretty fun and interesting people is really cool. 

Today I had my second full session of radiation therapy and my first full session of chemotherapy. They gave me an antinausea med during the chemotherapy which worked until about four hours after the treatment and then of course I felt the full of the effects of chemohellfire, no that doesn’t sound right lol I’ll post a picture of it . 

Honestly I’m having a hard time imagining what 30 – 35 treatments of radiation therapy is going to feel like. That’s two months of radiation and 6-8 sessions of chemotherapy and considering how I feel right this second in time 

I have to say I can’t fathom what this is really going to be like. Hell maybe. .? Honestly I’m not sure… anyhow I’m completely losing focus and should be asleep but I’m nervous and kinda in pain ,squirreling lol.

Right then time to sleep. Much love and light to all of you and to all of you Goodnight. 

B . 2016 

A life in progress. 


On a night just like this.

On a night just like this the stars shown for us.
Brighter than the anything we’d…..ever seen.
Long walks in fall as the leaves changed.
Followed by winters warmed by the fire.
Gently snow drifts down as softlights guide,;bright lights into springs hands as the body renews and life begins again. Slow at first with just buds of the future showing clear and strong.

Then into growth with branches clear and clean. Woven mysteries like tapestries drift from the northern lights to my heart. Each pulse a beacon of strength and knowing that I am never truly alone in this world.

On a night just like this I forgave myself for loving you and for you never loving me. That is why on a night just like this the stars shown for just me, for I am as you are and we shall forever be lost in time, misplaced but mine no more lost and forgotten as the hummingbirds have left the hillside and now I follow only my heart. Adieu.

Words have never been so bitter sweet as if spoken from a place looking down in shame.i am forever grateful for this life be it ending or flourish for a thousand more.
I shall speak of this no more.

Benjamin. 2016 

My life after you….