Once upon a time I was happy. I was in control of my body and my mind. Once upon a time I was whole. I had a family a job and a reason to live. Those times are long gone. It’s been for over a year now. I some how by the grace of God survived cancer only to come out on the other side without my son’s love and affection. It’s been over a year since I’ve spoken to my boy. My son, the one thing I believed I’d done correctly until Parkisons disease took my family from me then cancer came And took the last strength and hope from this life. Now I am a broken man. Misunderstood and judged by other from a place in their past that they cast me into because they can’t phathom the innocence or won’t let themselves because they too are so damaged from their past that the only place for them to put me is in a box of uncertainty and mistrust.
As this disease ravages my body it also ravages my mind. Changing my thought patterns and literally erasing modes of thinking.. As I learn more about this disease and it’s progression I’ve become even more fearful and desperate to put myself in a safe situation.
My ears can’t hear the tone my voice makes and I can’t decern the look on my face from the sound of my voice so 99% of the time I’m in limbo hoping to God I’ve communicated myself correctly. Sadly and far to often I find out later that I’ve not done so well as people so often ask me to clarify or so often I have to ask people to clarify because I can’t even understand their train of thought because I can’t fathom that ppl think a certain way.
Anyhow I find myself at a crossroads of what could be the end of my time on this rock. I’m far from home and without a solid foundation, a place my broken mind has taken me too. A place I was told was safe, a place in actually felt better at first, now I’m unsure as the tears and the fears of my daily life come crashing down around me. I’m lost in a sea of what is happening. Chaos erupting without provication or forewarning of decernable behavior.
Back to the afore mentioned disconnections in my brain. Not only can I not hear my voice, facial expressions or body position but I often can’t decern the same features from those whom I’m speaking with. For instance once I was having what I thought was a conversation though of serious matters I thought all was well when the person whom I was speaking stood up and with great emotion to my shock and awe was horribly upset. This is my curse, a mind trapped and fading in a body dying of misunderstanding and loneliness for the simple basics of life, love, compassion and understanding. These things are lost to me. And it is for these reasons I run and now I’m lost and affraid. Lost in a mind that can’t tell which direction is up or down I can’t tell what is the correct choice because I can’t see or better put. I have NO concious capability to see the outcome of my choices especially and sadly if emotionally pushed or spontaneously put into questioning or planning. This has been going on since my diagnosis and sadly is something that I did even learn about until 2017. THAT’S 8 years after diagnosis 8 years of making the wrong fucking choices. Meanwhile people all around me have no idea that I have no fucking idea that I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.
With the VERY BEST OF INTENTION I’ve been making life altering choices and since I lost my children and wife in the process of illness I have nobody who knows me in my heart I am, family first, loyal, hardworking,honest and driven man. I am an natural born artist and passionate person. All people know is this shell, this barely surviving husk of a human. A broken man who fears what the day brings while at the same moment understand that I need to appreciate these moments because they are fading fast. With each eruption of anger, fear and emotional instability around me increases so does the lingering feeling that I am done.. with this life. That my voice and heart have list their ability to convey my regards appropriately. Should that be the case then my time on this planet is done, no family,and no future with a progressive Incurable neurological disorder. If I can’t spread love and Joy. If I can’t tell when I’m upsetting ppl and I can’t tell what choices are bad for me or good for me then I’ve become a danger to myself. Please do not fear my silence.
But please know that I am broken, you’ve broken me, this world jas broken me. So now maybe I’ll write,maybe I’ll paint but for know I’m going to simply fade away. I am defeated I am a broken man.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked this early in the morning. I’d like to say that it’s good to be here, or that I’ve been doing well but that would be a lie. I’ve been chased here by demons of my own making fueled by fear and driven by thunderous fury. Liquid rains of electric fire that course and creep just below the skin as if in one white hot moment my soul will burst through……
Then darkness, I come slowly back to this broken shell of a man who tried to live in the face of death. Met at every turn with heartaches and thoughts so dark the devil himself took notes. These hands are so cold and I can barely feel my feet anymore. Small stones live in the places where muscles once stood proud and strong. Left only with tendons bound tighter and tighter each day. Anxiety filling the spaces Inbetween.
She’s gone now…. They’ve all gone and I’m alone again. I’m so tired of this game of love and God, this game of men are chasing and wanting the world. I don’t want the world anymore, just a small piece to grow some food and medicine. A small place and a big tree out back so when the death lights come for me they don’t have to work to hard to recycle this shell,this bag of bones and water I’ve been forced to carry for to long as it is. Yes a small house a big tree and a garden…… Maybe a cat or two so I can touch a soft thing now and again…. Time for fire it’s 4am on the coldest day of the coldest week of the coldest month of my heart so far this year.. 1-2-2018
The End~Benjamin 2018. **As all of my written words are true to the word not all meanings are of the truth but imagination. Sounds criptic I know, I guess you can say my words are mixed with things I feel as well as things I have felt. Enough for now. B-2018
Into the heart of the matter does a man not begin to see things clearly after years of experience and silent hell spent yearning for things lost to the uncureable and fortunes failure.?
Give him not the grace of wisdom by failing to prove faithful and loyal of heart and mind, then truly demons mist walk among us in the shape of Eve and Angels lost of hope and heart, broken and cursed forevermore. Wings of gossomur silk traded for whispers of a ghost, lost in the darkness.
Again surrounded by confusion and panic. Living in a roller coasters heart has taken its toll… I’ve grown to tired to fight anymore, the soul of Hope has been bled nearly dry by harlotts and harpies. Grown so tired of endless giving, endless judgement and critics galor. All for a place to rest this weary and weathered soul, a cursed night and endlesswonderer now numb and tired from the rain and cold of this life. Shivers uncontrolled now echo these bones of truths giving pardon only to fires in my soul as I drift away…
The End… A freewrite by.me
Benjamin M Prewitt 2017 December 31st #myshakylife
Just woke up from my mid day nap and was looking for a bit of my life to share when I ran across my pain journal I used to keep. This excerpt is from 10//06/11 almost exactly one month pre … Continue reading →