Into the heart of the matter does a man not begin to see things clearly after years of experience and silent hell spent yearning for things lost to the uncureable and fortunes failure.?
Give him not the grace of wisdom by failing to prove faithful and loyal of heart and mind, then truly demons mist walk among us in the shape of Eve and Angels lost of hope and heart, broken and cursed forevermore. Wings of gossomur silk traded for whispers of a ghost, lost in the darkness.
Again surrounded by confusion and panic. Living in a roller coasters heart has taken its toll… I’ve grown to tired to fight anymore, the soul of Hope has been bled nearly dry by harlotts and harpies. Grown so tired of endless giving, endless judgement and critics galor. All for a place to rest this weary and weathered soul, a cursed night and endlesswonderer now numb and tired from the rain and cold of this life. Shivers uncontrolled now echo these bones of truths giving pardon only to fires in my soul as I drift away…
The End… A freewrite by.me
Benjamin M Prewitt 2017 December 31st #myshakylife
Twas the night before chemo and all through the house
not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
the calandars dated and checked up with stars
the schedules filled and thougt of with care
so we would sleep and the day woulg appear
i could here them say chemo is coming…..
lol. There’s my attempt at cancer humor after a freaking hard day. Showed up to OHSU bright an early ready to kick Parkinson’s ass. Had PT first with,…..we’ll call him Steve. lol Steve is a bit timid for me, I like my pros to be kind of well ass kickers, and well his not. Not that Steve doesn’t constantly surprise me with his genius obvs OHSU doesn’t hire complete idiots. So Steve, pt today. Balance test, bike riding and walking all basic shit but…… I have Parkinson’s disease so my brain is rapidly forgetting how to move grrrrrrrrrrrr. Stupid PD.
Then after a joville hr with Steve I go to see….. Blondie lol, who is well, has my full attention. 😄 we cried and laughed and talked assistive technology, more laugh and tears, cancer talks, PD talks and how the cancer treatments are and could effect my PD….. Note the slow and steady switch of topics…… Pulled a fast one …. So I go to Transitions my neuropsychologist. As I lovingly call my shrink. Basically she’s awesome. She doesn’t pull any punches , tells me straight up that I’m not looking at all the options on things , also validates a ton of my emotions around cancer and Parkinson’s disease. Apparently it is pretty rare to have both cancer and PD, hmmm, who knew. Today was tough bc we talked about the fear of dying and the fear of living and going through the process of chemo and radiation which apparently can also kill me. Thanks for being real doc, #realtalk. So after far less tears than I expected she taught me some coping methods to dealing with the very real waves of sheer terror and panic that come with the dx of cancer. Especially when it’s not a simple snip and clip, bad boy, don’t get so much sun kind of cancer. This is the deep inside sorry we can’t cut you open and get kind of holy fml this shits real I might die kind of cancer lol. Phew …so yeah , for good or bad my stories and life always seem to have a but,and,or,so,to them. So if the ct scan is 100%correct and the cancer is localized in my neck and not the surrounding lymphatic system then even at stage 3 this cance can be successfully treated 85% of the time in stage 2 and hopefully as well in stage 3. Dr wouldn’t tell me what his fancy book really said about stage 3. I’m sure bc he knows I’m a freaking stable train wreck. But if it’s treatable them we are going to fight the fuck out this because I seriously don’t want to die right now.
Some sad things where talked bout today. End of life stuff…. Things that as a loving dad and semi responsible member of society needs to put in order before things like oh….. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy..or climbing Mt.Everrest, driving a race car or running with Bulls. Ya know just that are smart to do because I really do love everyone I’ve met. Sure maybe I don’t want to hangout with everybody lol but, I love’m and wish only blessing and love for all of you. Today, I learned that my desire to be or have a companion around me is normal and not co-dependent, love the fact my shrink thinks that term is shit and that humans are social creatures by nature and it’s totally and completely fucking normal for me to feel completey displaced and isolated by going through this virtually alone. Or physically alone and virtually supported is more like it lol. But like I said to hear that I’m not a totally weak spirited puss was nice. Right then, tomorrow is the big day. Time to have a very mellow 😑😑😑😑 night at home.
Nasopharynx cancer forms in the upper part of the throat.
****Oropharynx cancer forms in the middle part of the throat.
Hypopharynx cancer forms in the bottom part of the throat.
So here we are again at this crossroads of life. I think its a bit odd how almost 5 years to the date this great knowing came to be.
as of right now, this is what I know about my situation. in the basic of terms considering ive done zero research and only found out about 2 hrs ago. Sadly even with what I do know, I know nothing. But here’s what I do.
caused by HPV-16
stage 3/4 out of 5 a bit vague stage 3 the cancer hasn’t spread from its initial origin. Stage 4 has spread but tumor(s) are under a <6cm . This is my scenario. I’ve a 4.3cm tumor that has grown through the right side tonsil and into the back of my tounge.then there’s a 1.5cm tumor on the left side as well, just in the throat tissue itself.
I will be contacting the chemo amd radiation team on Monday and getting their opinion on what attack plan if any is going to be my best option. Yes it sounds scary as fuck and is…..But here’s the thing, every medical professional I’ve spoken to has said that regardless of stage this type of cancer is generally slow growing and responds very well to chemo and radiation. I’m also a huge advocate for medical cannibis.
RSO is a compound made from the cannibis plant that has shown to nearly with 100% rate eliminate and or greatly reduce the presence of cancer cells and tumor in th the human body. It’s expensive and not covered lol by insurance because it is a holistic medicine that at this point the Pharma companies really don’t want out open bc heck, then we might have a cure for hundred of different types of cancer….. And well gosh there’s no profit in healthy people to a pharmaceutical company. Again incase you missed the link RSO this is what I’m thinking mixed with some classic western meds is going to do the trick. That and a shit ton of very very well thought out next steps in life. Any how I wish I had more answers, for you , for me. I know it’s really serious and I guess I’ll know more on Monday or Tuesday. Well, I’m going to go throw up,cry and stomp my feet for a while, then prolly find a tall bottle of tequila before they actually tell me to stop drinking, which I actually had, but now.. It’s drink time, just a couple. Today to celibrate the name of the new bundle of joy. Oropharynx Sarcoma, I’ll call her Os. Short for Oh shit!! 😂😂😂😂😂
Right then enough humor, how dare you laugh at cancer….. It’s serious stuff, right… Yes it is and maybe it’s good I have Parkinson’s disease because this cancer shit really has just pissed me off. I’m trying to get used to my lady Ms.PD as she changes her needs daily. So I need to make short work of this sarcoma crap because PD waits for nobody and the last thing I need to do is come back to this body and have it fucked up from cancer… Grrrrrrrr. More humor…maybes.
Okay before I turn compley into a rambling idiot. Please use my life as an example. Live your dreams while you can, be brave be bold , when it’s called for. Thrive, always in the life you have, because life by its very nature has to change. Tell the people you love that you love them daily , distance yourself from the people that poison or cause negativity in your life. Trust me life is so very short. Find what makes you happy and do it. People will be jealous and call you greedy,self centered. Well if they were living their dream and they were truly your friend or family then they will support your desicion regardless. I guess the point is live full lives. Nobody can take your own personal choices away from you. Enough said.