Eachday is a gift

Recently I’ve been going through some stuff that has taught me a lot about myself and others. I’ve learned I’m patient but only to a certain degree. I’ve learned I’m vulnerable and fearful of so much more than I ever dreamt of. Being forced to self examine is hard, even harder if you are being honest with yourself. I’m insecure and have a hard time communicating**which is funny bc I love words** I’ve learned that I need verbal and physical support from my companion or physical partner. I’ve learned that I feel more fufilled as a human if I’m preforming Acts of service for others. I’ve also learned that I prefer to have a partner. I’ve learned that I can be easily distracted by shiny things but I’m a loyal dog through and through. I’ve learned that yes you can have to many roommates 😂😂.

I’ve learned that my life is my life and I’m the only one who can make me happy.

The other day I was greated by a police officer who came to do a welfare check on me,. Then the lead organizer at OHSU center for health and healing called, followed by my neuropsychologist, and I had two visits from ppl making sure I was still alive. I explained to each that yes I’m heartbroken and depressed, sure I’ll admit it, I’m sick of this life, didn’t ask for it,feel cheated and robbed of everything I worked for..ect.ect.ect… well after this last episode of Let’s see how many failed human relationships can Benjamin have in a lifetime. 💔🎉🏁😢 But here’s the thing, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live this life… So what are my choices, continue on this same path?? No because that my friends will lead to my destruction. I will self implode and the darkness will eat me whole whilst I watch.

So I’m going to focus on my art work, focus on this new church I found and forget about the drama and hurt of my old life.

I was raised to be a good man in a bad world and I let myself get caught up in trying to be everything to everyone and forgot about my own soul. Well after my day of choices

1. To pull the pug.

2. Stay on this rock a bit more.

I’m going to be me, I’m a cancer survivor 1 year remission, pending CT/PET scan. Fingers crossed. I live eachday with Parkinson’s disease that effect all parts of my life,body,mind and soul. But those are just the things that happened to me on my journey from there to here. The person I want to be a person who is happy to wake up, has faith in the universe, God, Allah,Krishna whom ever. A person who looks forward to a day of great deeds and uplifting others while I paint and write of the adventures of human depths of mind,body and soul.

Sidenote: chemical depression and anxiety is the real deal. I thought I’d experienced depression before… No. Not even close, true chemical depression has me by the chin 🤔😉 and it’s a whole new level of hell I’d never imagined could be real.

Anyhow eachday is a gift and how do I know??? Because I just walked up to the edge and saw the truth and the truth is I’m not done. I’m not sure what my purpose is anymore,father, husband,lover,painter,poet,Sin eater,warrior, friend and mentor. Honestly I don’t know what comes next but I do know that each day I will do one thing just for me,just for myself and the child inside of me. One thing that is more than eat,walk, sleep**take meds every 2-3 hrs 😤.

I do know that I want to be happy and the only way to do that is to start with the very secondly at hand……. So I came here to write and get off my feet. I’ve been walking more than I should be, No car at the moment..long story lol. 💔 Another day.

Well my dear friends and family that come here to spy on and support me 😂😂😂 I love and appreciate you all deeply. I hope whatever you are and whatever you are doing, that you know you are loved, cherished and missed.

The end.

Benjamin. 2018

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Art, for the soul,heart and mind.

Greetings and salutations. I hope the day has found you well. Here is a look a the Salem Hospital show. 

Thanks again for stopping by today. The show will be up through February 🎉. If you have the chance stop on by. Much love always. Benjamin-2018 

“Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”

“Sam Smith – I’m Not The Only One” on YouTube

Sneek peek of works in progress and lots more to come

Any given Sunday

Today… It draws closer to the time of the year again where I miss you most of all. The chill comes to the ground again as the leaves have almost all gone. Every Sunday for years you were mine, now I’m not even sure where you are. Sadly life wasn’t what we thought it would be. Nor has it been ever since. The Parkinson disease came and changed it all. Then cancer came and scared you away. In this life i feel ive done it all. No the dieing time has come. God or Allah, Krishna or Buddha and Gai,whom ever name you use in honor your faith has begun to take all of it away and that which hasn’t been taken im giving away freely. I’ve been humbled completely i have a roof a bed and some health insurance.. Bankruptcy looms as Cigna takes their sweet time turning what was one of my worst nightmares into a reality. Shame on they’re houses. I’m tired and I’ve lost hope. Slowly im trying to just breath, cant pay the bills, just wsiting dfor life to finally consume me whole and spit out the bones and ben done with me. I wish i knew what path to take

Agnosia and Parkinson’s Anxiety have start to settle in the Agnosia being the largest hurdle I’ve met yet with PD… Imagine every choice in your life being taken from you. Nothing feels anymore its all grey or gone no joys and hatered… Just grey piles. And piles of grey emotionless pain… I know its pain because i can see it in their eyes. Your eyes looking at me as i change… As this disease blinds and drags me through time. All I have is faith now. I saved by an Angels when i was young, saved from drownding, then again as a teen, so many times. Freezing to death and car crashes. Cancer as an adult. Now virtually friendless and unforgiven by many who would rather judged than do their homework. But hey its okay right. I’m just another human male. Broken and useless to a society that lives on looks and money. Both of which for me are fading or in jeopardy.. This life has given so much more than it has taken for a man can not live on memories alone especially with PD. Parkinson’s disease only takes. It changes daily and crushes my soul and body relentlessly. I have grown tired today.. On any given Sunday you could have shoukd have been with me.

Benjamin Prewitt#iwritestuff

B

There are times

There are times in this life where i feel so isolated in this disease of Parkinson’s. The internal tremor that rattels my bones to the core each day. The rigidity that binds tendons tightening muscles in constant motion either inside or out, all held together by an invisble fog that binds only me and my mind to the shell of man i used to be. No time to adjust to the new me as it morphes again taking larger pieces of me with it each time.

Finding in these mornings most glorious and dark at times. Waking eachday with an ache so deep in my body, as if my very soul resists kicking and screaming as the relentless mass of parkinson’s disease bares its weight on this body and mind. Yet here i sit.. Watching in moments of clarity and depth. I weep as the pain in my hips is unbareble, hands tremble as shoulders heave in dystonic cramp. Tendons bound and wound so tightly as they twist and turn my feet and hips with torturous strength.

Ah yet i breath i find peace in the knowing.. The knowing that i am just one part of all of all of this beauty in the struggle of human life. This body, this construct of time and fear. Of math and metrics measured in sunsets and darkness, flowers and trees… Hopes and dreams..

Only then as i master this mind this soul. Slowing rejoining the light… Can I breathe as i watch the world around me react is i die… As i slowly need more reminders of what day it is or what the universe of doctors and vampires have instore for me. Slowly as these morning thoughts come to a close..

Please remember I’ve always loved you. Follow your heart for it is more pure than you know. Listen to your gut for it is wiser than you think and take care with your mind for it needs the time to ingest the magnification of lifes endless choices in this lifetime, but take head never stray from the path of light or one will spend a lifetime returning to it.

Benjamin- 2017 #myshakylife

“Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” ©2012