Twas the night before chemo and all through the house
not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
the calandars dated and checked up with stars
the schedules filled and thougt of with care
so we would sleep and the day woulg appear
i could here them say chemo is coming…..
lol. There’s my attempt at cancer humor after a freaking hard day. Showed up to OHSU bright an early ready to kick Parkinson’s ass. Had PT first with,…..we’ll call him Steve. lol Steve is a bit timid for me, I like my pros to be kind of well ass kickers, and well his not. Not that Steve doesn’t constantly surprise me with his genius obvs OHSU doesn’t hire complete idiots. So Steve, pt today. Balance test, bike riding and walking all basic shit but…… I have Parkinson’s disease so my brain is rapidly forgetting how to move grrrrrrrrrrrr. Stupid PD.
Then after a joville hr with Steve I go to see….. Blondie lol, who is well, has my full attention. 😄 we cried and laughed and talked assistive technology, more laugh and tears, cancer talks, PD talks and how the cancer treatments are and could effect my PD….. Note the slow and steady switch of topics…… Pulled a fast one …. So I go to Transitions my neuropsychologist. As I lovingly call my shrink. Basically she’s awesome. She doesn’t pull any punches , tells me straight up that I’m not looking at all the options on things , also validates a ton of my emotions around cancer and Parkinson’s disease. Apparently it is pretty rare to have both cancer and PD, hmmm, who knew. Today was tough bc we talked about the fear of dying and the fear of living and going through the process of chemo and radiation which apparently can also kill me. Thanks for being real doc, #realtalk. So after far less tears than I expected she taught me some coping methods to dealing with the very real waves of sheer terror and panic that come with the dx of cancer. Especially when it’s not a simple snip and clip, bad boy, don’t get so much sun kind of cancer. This is the deep inside sorry we can’t cut you open and get kind of holy fml this shits real I might die kind of cancer lol. Phew …so yeah , for good or bad my stories and life always seem to have a but,and,or,so,to them. So if the ct scan is 100%correct and the cancer is localized in my neck and not the surrounding lymphatic system then even at stage 3 this cance can be successfully treated 85% of the time in stage 2 and hopefully as well in stage 3. Dr wouldn’t tell me what his fancy book really said about stage 3. I’m sure bc he knows I’m a freaking stable train wreck. But if it’s treatable them we are going to fight the fuck out this because I seriously don’t want to die right now.
Some sad things where talked bout today. End of life stuff…. Things that as a loving dad and semi responsible member of society needs to put in order before things like oh….. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy..or climbing Mt.Everrest, driving a race car or running with Bulls. Ya know just that are smart to do because I really do love everyone I’ve met. Sure maybe I don’t want to hangout with everybody lol but, I love’m and wish only blessing and love for all of you. Today, I learned that my desire to be or have a companion around me is normal and not co-dependent, love the fact my shrink thinks that term is shit and that humans are social creatures by nature and it’s totally and completely fucking normal for me to feel completey displaced and isolated by going through this virtually alone. Or physically alone and virtually supported is more like it lol. But like I said to hear that I’m not a totally weak spirited puss was nice. Right then, tomorrow is the big day. Time to have a very mellow 😑😑😑😑 night at home.
As always Be Brave ,Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have.©2012
and its okay to be scared, just dont live in scared for to long because there is no reason to suffer twice. all my love.
“a life in progress.”