Hard thoughts on truths

there are times I miss the sound of your voice so much
it brings tears to my eyes just to think of your name.
there are times i wake in the night drenched in sweat
praying this dream will end. Panic, Fear, Guilt, Confusion…..
lost in the dark again…… and again seems to be my artistic
hearts calling..
i tried so hard not to be my father yet in the end genetics of failure couldnt be beat,….im sorry my son…i tried, i tried so hard…. i buried my pride,hopes and dreams. i was steadfast until the end, until i couldnt be anymore…. (tears)….
forgive me as i rip this burden from my heart and soul.
forgive me as this pain is unbearable. i feel so broken and abused by
what evil do i pay for to have lost it all, a lifes work good in reality. gone in figurative and gone for good. (sobs)….. ive lost.. ive no fight, no heart, no passion or strength to even paint the depths of this lost, this hole is bigger more deep and lonesome
than any death ive known…..
this is my hell