I find myself here again a place where the darkness it finds me, relentless, chasing me everywhere I go. I try so dearly yet it feeds me,keeps me warm then burns me just enough to make me afraid of what I face everyday. The loneliness of this life. Forever empty in just one spot. Always giving,asking “what I think is so little for what I offer.”Yet a fool I was born and fool i’ll die it seems. Young at heart you might say always hungry to live another day.
I’ve tried to grow actively everyday focusing on the big and small things of my souls defects. Giving birth to a new me each day. So wicked are these transitions that we hide in daylight with Whispers like a song left unwritten…. This heart and mind knows your soul. Sees your inner fear and rage. Shear white light rage of how could you and why don’t you see me am I not good enough……. Walks away..cold into the night only to return a shell of what was, bitter dangerous like the jungle fruit of the Amazon.
Now we wait, the sails in motion, no wind so strong can turn the tides of this ship as we set forth on this second adventure of out lives. I shake in fear inside as we leave the shore and the land slowly slips away….. Sink or swim this fight or flight responds echoes in my head. Wonders who and hoe. Where and when, why???? Why again, why now, why not. Screams in my mind as search for clues of misdirection…… I only ever saw you happy once. But now I wonder if you’ve ever been happy or simply have picked the path of least resistance. This alter is high as it towers over the rest. I’ve placed it here for all to see yet sadly it’s a picture never signed, never sealed or betrothed. Just another admittance of love spilled like milk on the kitchen floor when everyone’s asleep……like a bridge over troubled water….I stand strong, hold back the tides and flowing with the currents of time. I’m watching and waiting,show me what you intend….. Break not this heart you weak shelter in, burn not our home away from home as this passion blinds all from the truths truth.
Some words, strung together in hopes my heart can be heard and words read with time and patience will grow into the life tree of the futures dream or slip silently into the night from whence they came . The end.
They came for me today…
Dark and looming in the corners
Of my mind.
Stood silent in the corner of my eyes and waited….
I see you. I said,
Feel you creeping and
seeping into my day
I WILL NOT PLAY TODAY….
Ode to killing demons and overcoming the obstacles life throws at us. Where ever you are and whatever your doing know this…..
You have value…
You are worthy…
You have everything locked inside that you need. Love yourself the way you want to be loved and it will happen.
Happy Friday to all and to all a good pint. 😇😜😇
Abstract forms and motion
On such a sleepless wing I travel
As the cricket song fades away
I’ve missed my train
For now in slow groups of three
Does my life begin
Three by five to keep me alive
And these shakes to stay at bay
I long for the gentle sounds
Of angels to usher me off and away
To guide these borrowed bones
Back to place of peace and slumber
No more pain or pills,
Doctors and worried faces.
No more canes and stairs
Or medical places
I yearn for rest and peace of mind…
The pain of this body
Finds me before the dawn
On this summers day.
I wake to the still of night
Wracked with this torturous
Hell of body fights body
Limbs twist and pull
At each other as mans
Medicine fails time and
Again to ease the burden
Of this broken heart
And broken body.
The time moves so slowly
On these days as I find my last
Waiting in the wings as life passes
Me by, even the elders speed by
Walkers in hand as the disease holds
Weep, weep does my inner child as
The man drags these borrowed bones
From place to place.
A smile on my face as I worry and wonder what comes next.
Tired, so tired of the follies of this
Earth. Leaving me weak of heart and shaken as a man seeing his life fade.
Painting my days away in hopes to leave a small piece of heart, mind and soul behind for all to remember.
Ode’d to my ever present pain and fickle mistress of the mind and body.
Currently in display in the Salem public library.
Paths change.. life’s web ebbs and flows in ways often unpredictable I think at time the best we can hope for is just to hold on for dear life and hope we come out on the other side intact or at least in some resemblance of what we thought we were before the maelstrom engulfs us fully.
Often with no recourse do we survive these things that life puts in front of us. I sit here today a man in limbo yet again. First Parkinson’s takes the life I knew away and forces me to reexamine my life. Now I prepare to set forth on what may prove to be the most intense soul searching deep and painful journey of my life. Being asked to leave my entire life as I now know it. I’m fearful because of my Parkinson’s and lack of real humans in my life. I’m fearful that my sons life will change in a way that will hurt him beyond what I can help him heal.
Today I sit hear In fear of the paint as I’m unsure if I’m ready to look those demons in the eye. Oddly though there is a calm inside me that can see a better tomorrow the part I fear is the fact that despite seeing a better tomorrow I can’t see the path to which to follow. So again I leap with blind faith that those who truly love me and that the universe will catch me as I shed this next layer. And try to become the man I was born to be.
I know of no other way to escape the pain, fear and heartache I’m feeling right now. So I apologize for filling your readers with such sorrow. I know my pain is no more great or less than any of yours and many of you have been through such things as well.
Thank you for your friendship, kindness and understanding as I work through these highly complex set of emotions.