I sure wish I could talk to you. To tell the other side of the story. To tell of what things were through my eyes and my heart. You know I never wanted to leave , I never wanted to get sick or get so very lost when I did. I know ppl that I had all kinds of support but in reality I had very little. My social worker and her family brought me firewood and food during the holidays that year of Cancer and betrayal. During the divorce which I didn’t ask for. Did you I tried to for us to see a counselor but sadly I was the only one interested in going. I watched in literal panic or horrors as my life was quickly stripped away. My kids, my home, my career. Everything is ever been , everything is ever worked for and all the time away from home spent earning the money and supporting the lifestyle our family wanted and was accustom to. Please remember as you read this that I’ve been told at every door to go away. I’ve tried to find you and reach out at every address. Bella won’t return my message, your mother told that if ever tired to find you at her home that I’d be removed and I have no address,phone or email for you. As your mother so eloquently stated
“He’s a grown man now and if he wanted to talk to you he would.” I guess I have to accept that that’s what you want, because she’s right. I’ve been at the same address for years now and had the same email and phone for even longer. I love you my boy and Bella tooi hope that world hasn’t been to cruel and that you’ve thrived in the you’ve done. I miss you more than you could ever possibly know unless you’ve kids of your own. Honestly I would never wish the kind of pain and disconnection that I’ve experienced in this life ever on anyone. I hope to see again before I leave this Earth but that ball is your court as I’ve exhausted all the resources I have. Please bring being your Father was the best experience in my life. I love you dearly my children, my son and step daughter. Thank you for the opportunity in this life.
Have you ever truly thought about what it means to live one day at a time. To live a life with no foreseeabke future. Living with a disorder that clouds your future to the point of obscurity. In our youth we find this thrilling a desire above so many others. Freedom to do as one wishes with no societal controls. The freedom to act with a selfish thoughtless greed. Then sickness or poverty hits.. A time in life when one must look up from the life of daily dailies and leave the confines of sickness. What if when you do everthing has changed for the worse. What if the motion that carried you has stopped. What if the passion that fueled your drive has burnt you to ground one to many times in life. What if you wake up and almost all the people you thought cared had passed judgment upon your head and heart. What if your own family had lost its need for you. What then.?
That life of living each day for the day looking back gave you nothing but heartache and sorrow. What if the future you saw never made up its mind up always changed kept you guessing what was next..Would you chose to live this life of faith and heartache. I’ve become a man so lost and scorned by his peers i fear my fate in this town, this life means nothing. I’ve made to many bad choices. To many leaps of faith that have ended with me crashing to ground before all to see. Sadly in the end none of it matters for we are all selfish scared creatures of the flesh. I put my heart my sleeve to many times only to have it soiled. By bad choices and users. Are you in my life for good of me or the good of you? If my life ends does it matter? Has it ever mattered for more than just a blink of time,. This bag of bones and shaky skin.
If i could still run. i would run and never stop, burn this flesh to the bone of exhaustion for my heart and soul have nothing more to give. I exists in a house of fear and uncertain futures. I’ve lost my star and gained a a universe of unknown potentials all the while my heart breaks and fear pours from every oraphus.
Lost wandering in a crowd of vultures if i knew what was right then I’d chose but this disease of the nerves as left me blind. Everything is grey as I pray for clarity yet recieve ambiguous signs of fate. My heart and soul want to be done with this struggle. I’m to tired and sad. To care about much of anything. If I’m shown no hope then no hope is what i have. If I’m shown love and affection then it is that what i believe. I cannot guess or see anymore that gift has been taken from me.
Now it’s time to bleed the paint from my broken soul once again. Once again i will paint this nightmare of a life in beautiful colours so all can be happy. So that colours of bright greens and golds can wash over you as you are thankful for your things.. I will watch you from the gutters of this life. So eat and drink like kings and queens on mankind. I will sit and paint and write my finals days on this earth then waves goodbye as the seasons change. For i am no longer needed here. You’ll be alright without me. God will still be there for you as will all those you convent so dearly. It’s just I who have grown tired of this mortal coil. This burnden is to great at times. Life lived on day at time for those who don’t have privilege looks like the end eachday. It doesn’t look or feel like freedom. I looks like hell feels like hell and burns the life straight out of ones soul daily. That is why eachday i so desperately seek things of great beauty for the darkness engulfs me at every point and the further you wander from the light the easier the darkness can find you..
Forgive me for my sins, as it says around my neck, forgive my transgressions against man and creature alike. For in the end when the darkness swallows me whole i hope i gave you enough light to carry you along your path. I hope you find the peace in this life i could not. Fear not of these words for they won’t be my last but but they, you and this life have broken me. Walk just one mile in my shoes, live with stage 6-7 pain for as many years as i have, fight with corp greed when you’ve not even enough sense to know what days it is. Love blindly those who would leave you wondering in life where you stand or why you even stand at all of the lack sincerity. Then cast your judgement upon me….. The End.
Thank you for allowing me to write here. To express my fears, dreams and desires openly without judgemental eyes. This was a post nap free write. May the day bring hope, love and faith. Love being the most important thing of all for it binds us together in hope that better days will come.
There are times in this life where i feel so isolated in this disease of Parkinson’s. The internal tremor that rattels my bones to the core each day. The rigidity that binds tendons tightening muscles in constant motion either inside or out, all held together by an invisble fog that binds only me and my mind to the shell of man i used to be. No time to adjust to the new me as it morphes again taking larger pieces of me with it each time.
Finding in these mornings most glorious and dark at times. Waking eachday with an ache so deep in my body, as if my very soul resists kicking and screaming as the relentless mass of parkinson’s disease bares its weight on this body and mind. Yet here i sit.. Watching in moments of clarity and depth. I weep as the pain in my hips is unbareble, hands tremble as shoulders heave in dystonic cramp. Tendons bound and wound so tightly as they twist and turn my feet and hips with torturous strength.
Ah yet i breath i find peace in the knowing.. The knowing that i am just one part of all of all of this beauty in the struggle of human life. This body, this construct of time and fear. Of math and metrics measured in sunsets and darkness, flowers and trees… Hopes and dreams..
Only then as i master this mind this soul. Slowing rejoining the light… Can I breathe as i watch the world around me react is i die… As i slowly need more reminders of what day it is or what the universe of doctors and vampires have instore for me. Slowly as these morning thoughts come to a close..
Please remember I’ve always loved you. Follow your heart for it is more pure than you know. Listen to your gut for it is wiser than you think and take care with your mind for it needs the time to ingest the magnification of lifes endless choices in this lifetime, but take head never stray from the path of light or one will spend a lifetime returning to it.
My hearts grown cold of seeking forgiveness in barren lands. Now I shall bare these burdens no longer.
I seek shelter from these storms of life, a simple coffee and pen some paint a lover and muse. I’ve grown to tired to fight with words…
No battle is greater than now so please forgive if my panic you find frightening, trust me my invisible nothingness this to shall pass.
As the seasons of man slips away so does the love from this heart.
heavy is the heart of a man broken and marked for life….
What darkness comes for the light today has a name I shall never speak it again for even just the thought of it makes demons hold their hearts in sorrow … The night comes quickly to those lost at sea. What darkness becomes….is up to you and is up to me..
As I lay me down to sleep I pray The Lord my bones to keep.
Wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver thing.
Can you hear the trumpet sings how it calls and braes like wild things. Such times desire of loss mad and passions fire.
A tune of love and loss of things
Of pearls and diamonds and shiny things.
For the brace of a lovers touch a companions arm and the tender touch to ease the fire that burns this flesh from the inside out.
A simple kiss to seal the wish
That sleep…..will come to my side without the death bye her side.
Take these burdens, shakes and things.
And wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver things
I give you all a soul to steal
keep it gentle for it reveals
all its hopes, thoughts and dreams
in paint and prose of complex things.
If you listen closely you can here the pipers sound coming near.
A life in progress
** it’s always harder at night**
Here I can come write,cry,scream or sit quietly. Here is home, house is where I keep my stuff.