I sure wish I could talk to you. To tell the other side of the story. To tell of what things were through my eyes and my heart. You know I never wanted to leave , I never wanted to get sick or get so very lost when I did. I know ppl that I had all kinds of support but in reality I had very little. My social worker and her family brought me firewood and food during the holidays that year of Cancer and betrayal. During the divorce which I didn’t ask for. Did you I tried to for us to see a counselor but sadly I was the only one interested in going. I watched in literal panic or horrors as my life was quickly stripped away. My kids, my home, my career. Everything is ever been , everything is ever worked for and all the time away from home spent earning the money and supporting the lifestyle our family wanted and was accustom to. Please remember as you read this that I’ve been told at every door to go away. I’ve tried to find you and reach out at every address. Bella won’t return my message, your mother told that if ever tired to find you at her home that I’d be removed and I have no address,phone or email for you. As your mother so eloquently stated
“He’s a grown man now and if he wanted to talk to you he would.” I guess I have to accept that that’s what you want, because she’s right. I’ve been at the same address for years now and had the same email and phone for even longer. I love you my boy and Bella tooi hope that world hasn’t been to cruel and that you’ve thrived in the you’ve done. I miss you more than you could ever possibly know unless you’ve kids of your own. Honestly I would never wish the kind of pain and disconnection that I’ve experienced in this life ever on anyone. I hope to see again before I leave this Earth but that ball is your court as I’ve exhausted all the resources I have. Please bring being your Father was the best experience in my life. I love you dearly my children, my son and step daughter. Thank you for the opportunity in this life.
Good morning, afternoon or evening to you depending on where you are when you happen to stop by. The first part of the day was pretty cool. I posted a new Parkinson’s and power tools adventure this morning, created my first ever irregular shaped panel and continued to work on my little dragon. I would classify that as a good morning.
I took a afternoon break to make lunch for my son and I then wham!!! Brick freakin PD wall from hell. It was classic me at home falling asleep with my phone in my hand desperately trying to send that last tweet or chat on FB, sad I know but when your body keeps your from going on adventures of the physical and ventures of the mind have to do. Sadly I slept from 1-4:30 completely blew my productive afternoon. I’ve been in a great mood all day just not awake to share it 😉 I hope your day was great by the way.
** small words**
As the frogs and crickets begin
Tonight’s chorus I’m bathed in thought and a reflective moon.
As ones perspective changes
And rearranges the things of our lives. Are we not all victims and Heroes of our own minds?
Well my dear friends and family it’s pill time and stretching time and probably not bed time as I seem to have slept already today 🙂
This and Pain with Parkinson’s disease are two topics that are near and dear to my heart as they are two of the largest disabling factors of my symptoms. Sure I’m shaky,stiff and slow given the hour that you run into me, often I’ll appear outwardly “fine” but here’s what’s happening on the inside as we sit casually having coffee.
Fatigue and Parkinson’s Disease
Why can’t I seem to get anything done?
One of Parkinson’s more insidious symptoms is fatigue. This is not your garden variety bone-tired. This is fatigue on a cellular level. Your body is working overtime to accomplish the simplest of tasks: Taking a shower, answering the phone, pouring orange juice. In addition, you may be coping with the combination of possible cognitive problems knows as “Parkinson’s apathy“. These problems include difficulty initiating projects, inability to follow complex instructions, short-term memory loss and difficulty in switching gears midstream.
You can fight Parkinson’s disease apathy by exercising, trying to get regular sleep, taking short naps, and making sure you do not isolate yourself. Also ensure that you and your doctor are square on your drug regimen. The dishes still might not get done, but at least you will feel better.
The below article is only an excerpt from a larger 3 page report but I must say if your interested in learning about Parkinson’s Disease or you know Someone with PD and you’d like to better prepare yourself for the many faces of this disease please follow the second link.
Muscle Fatigue – PD symptoms like muscle stiffness, cramping, tremor or shaking, and difficulty initiating a movement put stress on a person’s muscles. To move with these symptoms, muscles have to work very hard and often against each other. With tremor, the constant shaking can quickly fatigue muscles. Muscles that do not move enough are not well-conditioned, and they can become reduced in size (atrophied). Loss of muscle strength decreases stamina and endurance. For many people, this decrease feels like fatigue.
Thank you for all you do for me, I really know no other way to say it, thank you from all that I am and all that I’ll become,
What woeful sorry clenches
Heavy hearts, borrowed strength
Fails these shaken and quaken hands today.
Tears stream like rivers
Gush from there beds
Cresting high above the banks they belong.
Commons thoughts elude
Only heart strings sing these songs
Of sorrows joy
What minstrel plays these things in me
Given curse to this lack of chemicals
Natures cruel joke
Such teasing seems unkind
Blood ties and promises hides eyes from broken Benjamin to leave me in my corner, gone from my sight
I write these verse to cure my wounds
licking my paws clean
Rotten sugar fed potatoes fill my souls holes
but leak from every sour face a make.
Enough….. Enough of this……..
Please forgive my darkness, overt your eyes if I cause you pain. Read no more these words of re broken man who lets himself wallow in this place of lost souls. Sometimes all of my armor fails me and I’m left with me…. Only me… Scared….tired painter,poet and
man past his prime. I can’t feel my legs but my eyes see them as I sit outside.
Before I stand in front of my demons
A beg for forgiveness
Only to live with one night with out
this pain and never ending cycle of
day vs night.
Will my angel come for me and let this heavy heart rest long in her embrace
Or shall I wander the halls till dawn
Only to play with bats and bugs
I guess the rest is unwritten…….