Letters to my son: page 734

I wish I knew what to say. I wish knew where you were or what happened. I had cancer , you came to see me , I didn’t die, I tried so hard to live so that we could have a life together. I know it wasn’t the life we wanted to have or that we had as a family. I’m sorry for that change in our lives, but please understand that all the choices were not mine. Many of those choices were made for me or my reactions to things around me. I never meant for one second to lose you in all of this. Slowly as the chemo-brain fog and radiation treatments fade. In between the moments where Parkinson’s disease doesn’t have me running every which way. I see things clearly and yet I don’t understand why you are not here with me from time to time . Why did you have to disappear and where did you go. What happened between us that would take you so far away. I can’t imagine myself ever doing anything that would make you leave like this. I tried to give our family everything I didn’t have growing up and in many ways I did. We wanted for nothing. Little did I know the thing I didn’t give you was myself. Even though I gave you everything of myself , after 50,60,70 hrs of work a week providing for the family. There was barely waking time to be a family. Though my mind is filled only with joyful memories I can only assume that your are not. For if your childhood wasn’t the gift I thought it was I’m truly sorry. I did everything, gave everything I had and in the end when I got sick , it felt like everyone left . Left me to die , let me have this burden of Parkinson’s alone with no family to find shelter upon. No home to come home to. Then came the cancer and soon to follow a line of humans who would have rather taken everything from me rather than see me well. Tisha and Paula. Shame on you. So here I am yet again writing to you, writing to the world cruel as it is. Where are you? What happened to you? To us. I am here , I alive, not entirely lost to my diagnosis, painting and writing, growing green things and food to eat. Living a lift inspired by living well. I’m not rich anymore, I don’t have anything to call my own. No Physical reminder of my past. All that stolen from me in Arizona. Everything is worked for all my life of gone. Every gift, memory of my life ripped from me. Now I am truly and only a representative of myself. No fancy clothes or nice things, no house of my own nor future to offer. But I am and have always been a kind and gentle soul. Generous and kind to a fault. Naive to the true evils of man and womankind alike. I miss you my son and I miss my step daughter as well though it’s odd to say it that way as I never raised you as a step anything. So here I reach out knowing not what else to do. Here I leave a story written from me to you. In hopes before I’m gone , before PD takes my fully my ability to even recognize your face I hope with every heartbeat and every breath that I’ll have the chance to know you again. Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, please know that you are loved and cherished, missed dearly with every fiber of my being. I love you boo and wish I knew what to say or what to do to make you come back to me. Sincerely your Dad, your father. Benjamin M Prewitt.

Special days

I have nothing good to say today. So I’m going to say everything by writing nothing. Well nothing compared to the whole I space I was ready to tare..

Two humans whom I’ve recently known have given me the opportunity to realize my greatest fears and pushed me to grow further than I realized I could and for that I’ll say thank you. May the good Lord take you sooner than later. Just saying 😉

Happy Valentines day.

Sincerely. Benjamin

Morning verses and subtle curses…

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Such course discord these days……
No laborious conversation, I’m sorry seems wasn’t good enough.
Time……….s a little b followed by the big itch of life’s tragic drama..
These grains grow deep with roots in a time and place so lost and forgotten I almost forgot to tell you…..
Something…..forgetting..
It always feels like I’ve forgotten to tell you something….
Where is that child o’ mine?.. Lost in the wilderness of a new jungle, caught in a trap of words and wishes.???
I may never now….

B
2015
“A life in progress”
*photo @ Bush Pasture Park Salem Oregon. Oak bark;digital edit.
** it’s hard to explain what it feels like to be in this body and mind. Often as if I’m watching me watching the world as I sit in silent awe and observation.

litreacha chuig an buachaill

The sun shines so brightly on this day of days
Fifteen years ago as I stare into your
Eyes and promised to never leave your side. Oh how life has challenged that promise over the years.
I severed your connection to the flow
Of life that fed you and was the first to greet you into this world.
My life has never been the same.
Charged with honor and pride I stepped forward a new man with a new name as you called me Dad.
You are the gift of all gifts the light of all light, you are my son and I love you more than the air I breathe.
Happy Birthday Boy ‘O
Dad.

Benjamin
2014