Today… It draws closer to the time of the year again where I miss you most of all. The chill comes to the ground again as the leaves have almost all gone. Every Sunday for years you were mine, now I’m not even sure where you are. Sadly life wasn’t what we thought it would be. Nor has it been ever since. The Parkinson disease came and changed it all. Then cancer came and scared you away. In this life i feel ive done it all. No the dieing time has come. God or Allah, Krishna or Buddha and Gai,whom ever name you use in honor your faith has begun to take all of it away and that which hasn’t been taken im giving away freely. I’ve been humbled completely i have a roof a bed and some health insurance.. Bankruptcy looms as Cigna takes their sweet time turning what was one of my worst nightmares into a reality. Shame on they’re houses. I’m tired and I’ve lost hope. Slowly im trying to just breath, cant pay the bills, just wsiting dfor life to finally consume me whole and spit out the bones and ben done with me. I wish i knew what path to take
Agnosia and Parkinson’s Anxiety have start to settle in the Agnosia being the largest hurdle I’ve met yet with PD… Imagine every choice in your life being taken from you. Nothing feels anymore its all grey or gone no joys and hatered… Just grey piles. And piles of grey emotionless pain… I know its pain because i can see it in their eyes. Your eyes looking at me as i change… As this disease blinds and drags me through time. All I have is faith now. I saved by an Angels when i was young, saved from drownding, then again as a teen, so many times. Freezing to death and car crashes. Cancer as an adult. Now virtually friendless and unforgiven by many who would rather judged than do their homework. But hey its okay right. I’m just another human male. Broken and useless to a society that lives on looks and money. Both of which for me are fading or in jeopardy.. This life has given so much more than it has taken for a man can not live on memories alone especially with PD. Parkinson’s disease only takes. It changes daily and crushes my soul and body relentlessly. I have grown tired today.. On any given Sunday you could have shoukd have been with me.
Pretty easy to say not always easy to hear the answers. But honestly I’m not here today to talk cancer or Parkinsons directly. I’m here to just talk about life. I’m really missing the human connection today. I was invited out to lunch today by a friend and that was awesome so I got some human time but of course the topics were cancer and thankfully traveling. Though it did make me miss the days where Parkinsons and rocky romance was the biggest issue of the day lol. I’d take twitchy and heart broken over chemo and radiation therapy any day… Grrrr C and P sneaking into the convo…
Restarting, Hi today I walked a lot and thought very deep thoughts on life and what it means to me to be alive here now as a biological machine full of broken bits and vital pieces doing strange things. I thought of these things this way as a means of isolation from the moment. Giving myself the separation from anxiety of cancer and Parkinsons. See now we can say those words and it’s okay. Having the freedom to observe this self as I really am is horrific but needed. I’m struggling through this day by day and the really heavy part hadn’t even happened yet lol. My throat hurts so bad today. And here I am finishing typing this post and just pondering how we even as a race survive. Each human has such an amazing story to tell. As I walked around my town looking these strangers in the eyes thinking none of these people have any..zero idea what I’m going through,the biggest fight of my life…..Then I thought … I…I don’t know what any of their stories are either.. Honestly at that point I realized it was time to walk home. I’d like to say I’m ready for this next chapter in my life but I don’t think we ever really are. I think that’s part of the reason we go through these things in our lives is to teach and prepare us for the next wave of life for lack of a better term. The stages in life never change they become more ambiguous as we get older they become less marked in time, first grade, Jr. High, college. All bookmarks in time. Chapters in our lives that communally we recognize as similar and relative as a shared life marker. When you get out into the less traditionally time measured life factors , buys car,house, first big kid paycheck, first big kid car crash, death in the family, kids start to come or for some they come first then comes the stuff and “home ” not house, there’s a difference. Here I am at this strange place so completely crossroads. I’m trying to find my warriors stance, my emotional footing to fight this huge battle with cancer all do I can go back to Parkinson’s disease. I’m still going to be or feel single, alone I’m still going to need carers and I’m still to be me. The strangest part of today’s thoughts were simple where do you keep the parts of you , ones self that they don’t want ruined by life. Lol. I refuse to give up. I’m not going to let cancer kill me now and I’m not going to lay down for Parkinson’s disease. So the universe and I really talked today about my place in it. I know I need to paint and write. But I don’t think I’m going to do it from here much longer. Ever since my Dx with Parkinson’s I’ve viewed my idea as shorter which for all practical purposes it was , is. Then divorce,lose of family,house,kids ect… The stories are the same no matter what the words. Life comes and does what life does it changes stuff around. Gives you that final exam when you thought it was mid terms ya know. Cancer changes you whether you want or expect it to or not. It’s made me reevaluate every aspect of my life. Sorry..sigh… Again it’s hard, communicating. I process through my verbal centers very strongly and spending these days so much time along has made it really hard to communicate effectively at least in my head things sound off lol.
Sorry to have lost track there. Moral of the story. Be true to yourself, cancer has shown me that time really is short and that life as we, you and I people can be taken back from you or it can make you literally fight to simply have the right to one more breath. Think about that shit right there. I’m no longer chasing the dream of kids,house,car,job. I’m chasing the dream that I’ll get to open my eyes one more day and breathe. So yeah, gf’s and normal this and that 1.5 cars and cat/dog it’s really all trivial. This soul. Me: Benjamin michael Prewitt I require two things to thrive in this life. I need soulful connection to someone for it to be anything and I need contact human to human touches. There have been multiple studies done on babies that lacked human embrace as a child or young adult and its a tangible results in statistics humans need companionship. Any how I guess my feelings of loneliness isn’t done yet. I wish all that are reading this please take the reigns of your life. Guide your choices correctly towards the happiness you seek and you shall find it. ***hate it when forget to hit post.
Okay good morning,night and afternoon.’ It’s now Saturday 5a and it’s time to clean,paint,watch cartoons, write a will you know stuff to do lol.
Much love and light.
A life in progress.
I find myself here again a place where the darkness it finds me, relentless, chasing me everywhere I go. I try so dearly yet it feeds me,keeps me warm then burns me just enough to make me afraid of what I face everyday. The loneliness of this life. Forever empty in just one spot. Always giving,asking “what I think is so little for what I offer.”Yet a fool I was born and fool i’ll die it seems. Young at heart you might say always hungry to live another day.
I’ve tried to grow actively everyday focusing on the big and small things of my souls defects. Giving birth to a new me each day. So wicked are these transitions that we hide in daylight with Whispers like a song left unwritten…. This heart and mind knows your soul. Sees your inner fear and rage. Shear white light rage of how could you and why don’t you see me am I not good enough……. Walks away..cold into the night only to return a shell of what was, bitter dangerous like the jungle fruit of the Amazon.
Now we wait, the sails in motion, no wind so strong can turn the tides of this ship as we set forth on this second adventure of out lives. I shake in fear inside as we leave the shore and the land slowly slips away….. Sink or swim this fight or flight responds echoes in my head. Wonders who and hoe. Where and when, why???? Why again, why now, why not. Screams in my mind as search for clues of misdirection…… I only ever saw you happy once. But now I wonder if you’ve ever been happy or simply have picked the path of least resistance. This alter is high as it towers over the rest. I’ve placed it here for all to see yet sadly it’s a picture never signed, never sealed or betrothed. Just another admittance of love spilled like milk on the kitchen floor when everyone’s asleep……like a bridge over troubled water….I stand strong, hold back the tides and flowing with the currents of time. I’m watching and waiting,show me what you intend….. Break not this heart you weak shelter in, burn not our home away from home as this passion blinds all from the truths truth.
Some words, strung together in hopes my heart can be heard and words read with time and patience will grow into the life tree of the futures dream or slip silently into the night from whence they came . The end.
Good morning,afternoon and evening which ever it may be for you. I’d like to report in that all is well and feel like a million dollars. But in truth I’m tired, very tired and my body is very sore and has been for a week. Sore to the point where my tendons feel stiff like bone and the tension pulling them feels as though it will rip them from the very bone they are attached to. Yes, that kind of pain. Lol. But it’s okay right ? Everyday has its own set of challenges and obstacles to observe and concore. To I sit in the cold and rain, dark and wind of the morning thinking of my life. This time of year has a way of making one reflect on lives lived and things gone by. This year I must say a feel pensive detachment from the season. I’m still waiting to confirm that cancer isn’t a factor in my life and as I wait , I feel my body aching and my throat tighten with each passing day. The weight still dropping, mean while I prance around pretending that everything is okay.
It’s been hard this year to handle the changes as they come. I’ve failed once already this year at life as change took me by surprise not once but twice. But I digress the point is never to live in the PST but to learn from and move forward. Now does that mean we move forward alone or with others ? Who’s to say really, I’ve found that life, for me, is far to complicated to decern and as Parkinson’s destroys my ability to separate perceived fact from fiction I find these days I’m doubtful of every choice I make for the fear that I’ve make the wrong choice lingers. Blue or green, fish or chicken. Cable or electricity. All of which I’m finding I see only in shades of muddy grey. You see it shakes the very foundation of a persons soul when they are tossed aside like last weeks newspaper, old news, used, read, learned and unwanted. Be it from friends,lovers,family or stranges alike. We all need to feel validated and trusted.
Well…… Apparently I’m going to talk briefly about many things bouncing around in my head today. I feel like crap, I wish I had a more poetic way to say it. I’m sure I could one but the point would be lost in flowery words. Simply, I’m in pain.7-8 my shoulders have little range of motion, my hips cam barely sustain the pain to keep me upright and my balance sucks. Please understand there is NOTHING anyone can do. This IS PARKINSONS DISEASE. See Dr’s don’t really tell you what it’s going to be like because PD is different for everyone. Words like, stiffness,rigidity,cognitive loss, positional instablity,dementia,distonic cramps, dyskinesia. Normal people don’t know what to associate these words to, nor did I at first…. Honestly they don’t mean shit until you experience them with a neurological disorder. Imagine two cars, these are the messages your brain want to send to your face , one says smile,the others says,laugh. Well Parkinson’s disease derails those cars on their way. The car saying laugh made it just fine, but the car saying smile ended up backing into the pain center and sent stage 9 waves of pain down your foot making your to s feel like they are on fire from electricity. So you need up with a face that isn’t smiling and ends up looking a bit pained as a it laughs,but no smile, because remember one of those cars made it to its destination. So you get it, messed up brain signals.oh the joy lol.
Right then today. Ot and PT here in Portland Oregon then back home, clean, paint and sleep. I’m starting off this week not feeling well as this last Saturday and Sunday were very bad pain days, stiffness,rigidity,slow. So starting the week not feeling 100% can be tricky. Either I’ll gain strength from the activities of the day and week or it will kick my ass and make my symptoms worse. Sadly there is no real way of knowing what my bodies reaction will be. On to happier news I finished a small piece ..
Well sadly the last two hrs of this F’ing post was deleted somehow.probably me being a dork. But I’m tired. I’m home back from OHSU, goodday and goodnight. I’ve new paintings to show, so I’ll be back.