I sure wish I could talk to you. To tell the other side of the story. To tell of what things were through my eyes and my heart. You know I never wanted to leave , I never wanted to get sick or get so very lost when I did. I know ppl that I had all kinds of support but in reality I had very little. My social worker and her family brought me firewood and food during the holidays that year of Cancer and betrayal. During the divorce which I didn’t ask for. Did you I tried to for us to see a counselor but sadly I was the only one interested in going. I watched in literal panic or horrors as my life was quickly stripped away. My kids, my home, my career. Everything is ever been , everything is ever worked for and all the time away from home spent earning the money and supporting the lifestyle our family wanted and was accustom to. Please remember as you read this that I’ve been told at every door to go away. I’ve tried to find you and reach out at every address. Bella won’t return my message, your mother told that if ever tired to find you at her home that I’d be removed and I have no address,phone or email for you. As your mother so eloquently stated
“He’s a grown man now and if he wanted to talk to you he would.” I guess I have to accept that that’s what you want, because she’s right. I’ve been at the same address for years now and had the same email and phone for even longer. I love you my boy and Bella tooi hope that world hasn’t been to cruel and that you’ve thrived in the you’ve done. I miss you more than you could ever possibly know unless you’ve kids of your own. Honestly I would never wish the kind of pain and disconnection that I’ve experienced in this life ever on anyone. I hope to see again before I leave this Earth but that ball is your court as I’ve exhausted all the resources I have. Please bring being your Father was the best experience in my life. I love you dearly my children, my son and step daughter. Thank you for the opportunity in this life.
I’m being kicked out of the house in Bisbee Arizona by my would be caregiver. She’s given me zero notice to move ALL OF MY BELONGINGS FROM HER HOME. I’m in shock and not sure how to proceed. My true friends in Salem and Portland have rallied behind me and provided me with a ticket home on Friday the 28th. I’ll be staying in Silverton Oregon with a fellow cancer buddy and his wife until I move out to th farm house in Sheridan Oregon. If anyone feels generous and wishes to help, please find my PayPal link. I’m at a loss for words. I thought we were working through the transition but I was wrong. Greatly apparently I’ve been triggering miss Paula The entire time we’ve been back in Bisbee Arizona. Despite a great weekend and last week. She suffers from PTSD and apparently I’ve been “that guy” so it’s time for me to go. Very scared, very insecure. I’ve never been so far away and had someone be so unfortunately cruel. Simply blows my mind. Because even if I hated you I would still treat a person better than I’m being treated. Fuck I even gave my last bad caregiver a month to have her things. Me I e been given less than 24 hrs to move stuff it took me 10 days to pack. Abuse if the disabled and if anyone is a mandatory reporter then here you go. Abuse of the disabled at it’s finest. I thought things were fine. Stressful but moving forward… I was wrong and sadly will be paying with my very life force. Why you ask so serious????? I have Parkisons disease and for those of you who don’t understand how actually serious this is I’m sorry for you, it must be hard and very confusing to watch me go through this. And all the bullshit Parkisons disease has put me through.
Please pray I make it home safely. My house in Salem is no longer mine and I’ll be staying with friends until I can get a real caregiver and place for me to grow old in. I love and miss you all dearly. I know you have your own troubles, life isn’t just punishing me I know. To all of you who have been through this I’m sorry for your trouble. I’ve never been or felt so fucked over in my life this is a while new level of human filth and disconnection for me. I never knew ppl.coukd be so cruel.
Goodbye for now. If the good Lord and mother EarthGia grant me life and strength to continue then I shall. If not. I love you all so much and thank you for seeing this far. I have no son(he lives,but not with any contact with me) or family to go home to and a small number of friends who understand my heart is good and never would do harm. But it’s time for me to find a place to rest, to paint and cry for a long time. I’ve been fooled by people more broken by me for the last Time. My good heart is broken now. I don’t trust in God,in man or woman alike. My feels have been smashed for th last time. I can no longer trust my own judgement and I seem to keep trusting the wrong people. I’ll be back in Oregon on Friday th 28th 5 something pm in PDX
My heart is done. My love for life is fading and I live in physical and mental pain every single day. Pain lvl 7-8 but modern science only wants me to take narcotics. I refuse to!!!! Mmj or nothing. Anyhow that not related. Wish me luck and I hope that I can see you on the other side of this.
Goodbye for now.
Benjamin M Prewitt.
PS. If my mom or I can x family read this now is to to step up if you ever really cared for me.
I can’t even begin to express
This feeling that crushes
And burns in my chest.
It claws at my heart and tears
At my brain
slowly it breaks me
and drives me insane.
These tears that flow,
show no signs
Of slow nor stopping any time soon. I’ve loved you forever
and over the moon.
Yes… Your my everything
and my in between
your are my heart before it fell apart and made me this
thing I’ve become.
I’ll love you forever
for you are my blood
You carry my name and the next
Chance to be,
a better man, father
and person than me….
I love and miss you my boy with every breath I take.
Tonight their is no magic in the stars.
These shakes and quakes that plague
me have stolen my soul.
Like the blacken crows that pluck
Out the eyes of this heart woefully
fluttering whispers of healing praise.
No…! They not of the glassen heart that trembles in the dark
as if some godly torment crushes the boys soul!!
For what deal with devil have you made my poor son…?
Nothing….Nothing..fills the darkest night not even
the blacken ash of Hells fire can ignite the flame,
for it is green with envy for another hearts heart.
As the boy cries empty from the hallways and bed flames
of loves gone quiet in the night, so many years ago.
Will these borrowed bones not break
Not from the strain of such a heavy heart.
As the music of century’s old try to weep its way through
this heart and take away the pain through
hogs hair and that of the once living.
Silence….silence… Does cry like a mothers child lost in the rain
of the dark and fright of ones own choosing,
god grant me the strength….strength
To be who I was born to be…..
Just one more time..
This knight is done…no more hollow heart swallows of desert dry…..
Only tears, only tears have I…..
What are the next words one writes after baring a soul. Do I close up shop and slide quietly into the night. To be honest that’s what my first instinct is. But a I’ve learned in life sometimes one must listen hard to echoes of emotion to find
It’s true source.
So that being said. I take a step forward into the unknown chapters of my life. Which really if you think about it is everyday. Every day is unwritten until it arrives and we play our part a it unfolds. So today, I will tuck away my tears, find my pallet and pain, bid you all a blessed day. Thank the stars that I can breath,walk,talk and see through these eyes. I apologize for my outburst
Last evening I had far to much thought and emotion and know not another place to put it.