When I think of you you my heart breaks with joy amd sadness all at once. To have had the chance to bathe in your beauty forever and have lost that chance have left me a changed man. Every butterfly deserve a chance at freedom and every Raven a branch to perch. Mhlyh always and forever.
Writing because it kills the heartache of reality.
Was a warm day with a wicked smile
Or perhaps a cold heart and pretty face that first drew me in.
Such a tempting smile the
crazy girl does have,but
little did I know I’d fall in love..
these fragments of what i
was gather their best
suit and smile a while..well… You know the rest..
words cut deep and some deeper
like losing a limb
as her demon slips
from hers lips.
I can see the coldest, darkest clouds in her eyes,
as i fear for my heart and head.
will this be time it goes to far?
will this be time i drop her….
ive only ever slipped once in my life….
what the years have given me in wisdom and talent
They have also taken a toll. Paid with my patience and bits of heart i give to
the broken in return filling my bucket…
it was warm day with wicked smile or was it a wicked day and a warm smile
when last the she came to play. It
was the most bright of her darkest days.
The following entries are a daily recording of my journey with young onset Parkinson’s disease. I don’t spell check, format, edit my thoughts or words so if harsh language or people being blunt isn’t your thing then by all means go away 😉 I will not be discussing or journaling my private life in these pages as those are saved for my eyes and those whom I can trust implicitly. I do how ever feel it’s important for the people who read this later after I’m gone to understand what it’s like to really live with Parkinson’s disease these Are all the things a patient such as myself could never say in the measly 45 min twice a year I get with my specialist team
So here we are again, it’s good to see your still here checking up on me. Life I tell ya has been challenging me in ways I can’t even explain. Lessons of what it means to love and receive love. What it means to come to terms with loosing dreams and finding new ones. Challenges in dealing with mental health both mine and others. My Parkinson’s has been progressing like what feels a freight train and since there is no predictable track for PD I’ve know idea if this is fast or slow. Things haven’t been that great lately there’s been a lot of bickering at home and for me that’s the worst. My home is the one place I’m supposed to feel safe and honestly I don’t. Life feels so unpredictable right know like the floor could just drop away at anytime. That my friends is why I’ve not been painting. I do however have some new pieces I’ve been working on but nothing like the amount I used to paint. I miss the security that my old life had and I love the vitality my new life has I just don’t know how to make this new foundation solid, hopefully in time this ship will right its self otherwise I fear this will be the end. I’ve no strength left for major sudden change the PD has taken most of my day to day planning skills completely. Balance a checkbook or pay bills, follow through on just about anything takes an army of people to remind or make me get shit done. I’ve thought more about death and suicide in the last year than ever before in my life. That alone tells me I’m tired, bc suicide isn’t a thing I’m into but there are days when being awake, conscious or alive isn’t a thing I’m very into either but still each day I wake, try and smile lol PD joke and start my day. Anyhow it’s nice to write here again it feels like home more familiar than anything else right now (today). This next 18 month I’m going to be focusing on the Paint and the Book. For now I bid any and all a good day/night. Please remember the words you use today can and will determine the things that happen tomorrow.
Over and out.
**Sneak peak of my current work in progress.
Many of you know about some of the most private details of my life at this point..
Some of you would even say I’ve over shared…
I guess that’s the beauty of what happens here we all have a choice. To come together under a common bond and share the joys and
sorrows of each others lives. Some to comment, some to watch from the shadows and judge. Either way I made a decision when I first started
blog to be open. Many people forget that this site didn’t start as an Art blog but as my personal journal cataloging my life and struggles with coming to
terms with Young Onset Parkinson’s disease. This journey has taken me around the united states and abroad I’m happy to say I’ve shared every step along the ways, the good the bad and the very ugly personal truths of my life that in reality many of us share in common but would never put out there the way I do.
I’ve said it before and Ill stand by it. I’m a man, no different than any other with the slight exception that I paint and write my heart and soul for all to see. I end 99% of my posts with a kind word. And I pose some hard questions and thoughts because I believe that one man and one voice can change the world.
Art and words have lost their meaning and I will not stand for it another second. For if YOU will not Be Brave and Be Bold or Thrive in the life you have….. I will. If given the chance I would take your hand and shout your name from the roof tops to show the world your brilliance and compassion. Live your words or don’t use them at all. At this point I’ve lost all of it. My job, my career my home and my family and Ill be dammed if I’m going to silence my heart and soul now.
I just received word that I’ve been accepted into a local art co-op. 4 floors of prime down town retail, commercial and loft living space. A place that is positioning its self at the edge of creating an new feel a new scene thriving and ready to make Art believable again. Any person can put brush to canvas, lead to paper and glue a stone to a ring. But only a few can create through there passion to express that love, fear and strength through their art. So again I say…to you.
Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have… No… life is not easy for any of us. But if I can live through the things I’ve seen, done and had happen to me then you can too. I believe in you. I’ve seen your strength, beauty and passion.
That’s all I’ve to say. Namaste Benjamin 1970-current “A life in progress”
The demons come tonight.
The fires they light ignite
fear like a wild fire.
Sending waves of hell
washing down like rain from heaven.
As the flames of liquid sin swim feverishly through my mind.
Filling each hiding place of a younger man.
Giving no yield to the concerns of an old broken soldier.
Tired of the games played by a fools heart.
If you are my left hand the be it for I have not the focus nor temperance to be swift of tongue as my words escape me.
Once again I’m left blinking and thinking of what to say…. Good night.. will have to do..