There was a time when life was clear. Each day I’d wake, go to work come home hopefully making dinner with the family, movie-tv time evening chill then sleeps, rinse and repeat for years. Now I feel challenged at every turn, pulled and pushed in every way possible that a man and human could be taxed of heart,body and soul. This candle grows dim with each deception and sin I swallow so the world can rest in peace as I bury their secret whispers to God along with daises in my graveyard. You’ve broken me and my robot heart with your robot heart breaking machine that you’ve crafted over a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others lies. Greed makes people crazy, I know as I’ve nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing to hold onto but the sound of my own voice and pounding heart. Nothing else to lose except myself.
Why??? I scream at the heavens as I beg for forgiveness why must I be so cursed with this body and mind. This soul on fire. A walking zombie just waiting to to hear that golden horn to take me home. Faith has a way of making us feel super human, like we are closer to God than anyone else. Are we though can you not decern the voice of God from your own nor the whispers of demons in your ears and flutters in your broken robot heart.
Now life is not clear or good it is not the life I want to have anymore. There is to much pain, fear, anxiety and confusion here in this new place of life. All my safety nets gone, just me and my bad choices. At least I can be accountable for my actions, reasons don’t have to be excuses sometimes it is just a reason but I’ve have learned that when think you’ve got life you’ll find life has got you. . I’m tired of this knowing, seeing, feeling of peoples hidden truths. It is a burden a can no longer bare. Sleep will come soon and I will find her again in heaven as I rest my tired soul.
**Just working through some stuff, as a writer and artist here is my canvas. Do not judge what you can’t even imagine.
As the stars track clockwise through the heavens I’m reminded of these new changing times.
Reflections of my past giving chase to tomorrows memories and dreams.
For whom shall I be now that I am once again free to be me, who is this knight of pure heart and black soul, Cast down from the heavens eons ago. Left to wander these time in paint and prose.
Of lovers lips and and sunken ships that have sailed so long ago.
I search for myself amongst these things we think we need and wonder how and why and who am I.
I’m left with lineage, love, anguish and tremor. Pain, paint, passion and woes. But this my friend is where my garden grows. From ashes and fire from human desire.
These are the things I’ve become.
Of drink and desire and maddening rage, one name, one word my love for I am he.
Benjamin,.. is all that I be.
A life in progress
A man and his vices
Mixed media ink wash and acrylics
200.usd ***alternative title: Smoking man his wine and her lover***
I decided on both but for the want of not making you see the things I see I chose the other title.
What woeful sorry clenches
Heavy hearts, borrowed strength
Fails these shaken and quaken hands today.
Tears stream like rivers
Gush from there beds
Cresting high above the banks they belong.
Commons thoughts elude
Only heart strings sing these songs
Of sorrows joy
What minstrel plays these things in me
Given curse to this lack of chemicals
Natures cruel joke
Such teasing seems unkind
Blood ties and promises hides eyes from broken Benjamin to leave me in my corner, gone from my sight
I write these verse to cure my wounds
licking my paws clean
Rotten sugar fed potatoes fill my souls holes
but leak from every sour face a make.
Enough….. Enough of this……..
Please forgive my darkness, overt your eyes if I cause you pain. Read no more these words of re broken man who lets himself wallow in this place of lost souls. Sometimes all of my armor fails me and I’m left with me…. Only me… Scared….tired painter,poet and
man past his prime. I can’t feel my legs but my eyes see them as I sit outside.
What does the night give us
If only a place to rest our heads
A reflective pool to ponder
The days events and soothe the soul
As a gentle breeze settles on my
Skin like the lingering kiss of a lovers lips
I yearn for gentler times filled
With flowers and friends
Days if wine and song
Simple and long with passion and desire
Give not to these fiendish woes the
Day or your nights be fill with devil
And heart of things unknown
Go softly into the heart of your night and drag my soul
from the darkness as I to crave the light you give.