Broken Robot pieces

There was a time when life was clear. Each day I’d wake, go to work come home hopefully making dinner with the family, movie-tv time evening chill then sleeps, rinse and repeat for years. Now I feel challenged at every turn, pulled and pushed in every way possible that a man and human could be taxed of heart,body and soul. This candle grows dim with each deception and sin I swallow so the world can rest in peace as I bury their secret whispers to God along with daises in my graveyard. You’ve broken me and my robot heart with your robot heart breaking machine that you’ve crafted over a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others lies. Greed makes people crazy, I know as I’ve nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing to hold onto but the sound of my own voice and pounding heart. Nothing else to lose except myself.

Why??? I scream at the heavens as I beg for forgiveness why must I be so cursed with this body and mind. This soul on fire. A walking zombie just waiting to to hear that golden horn to take me home. Faith has a way of making us feel super human, like we are closer to God than anyone else. Are we though can you not decern the voice of God from your own nor the whispers of demons in your ears and flutters in your broken robot heart.

Now life is not clear or good it is not the life I want to have anymore. There is to much pain, fear, anxiety and confusion here in this new place of life. All my safety nets gone, just me and my bad choices. At least I can be accountable for my actions, reasons don’t have to be excuses sometimes it is just a reason but I’ve have learned that when think you’ve got life you’ll find life has got you. . I’m tired of this knowing, seeing, feeling of peoples hidden truths. It is a burden a can no longer bare. Sleep will come soon and I will find her again in heaven as I rest my tired soul.

Benjamin 2018

**Just working through some stuff, as a writer and artist here is my canvas. Do not judge what you can’t even imagine.

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Things from the past, come calling to meet the future

As mentioned in a comment-conversation with a dear friend and highly intelligent woman, the following post will be a small peak into the surrealistic mind of my mind. If that statement does not rest easy in your tongue then say it over and over in your mind until it does. At some point the echo will echo into your heart and land next to your souls soul. The following paintings will be chased by that peak of which I speak a closer glimpse into my echoing heart and my aching child’s soul. The following paintings are from the 80’s and very early 90’s. I am thinking of resurrecting them one by one. One is very damaged so I don’t think there will be any saving it but who knows it might be fun to try. I’m going to try to give some insight into the mind and soul behind some of this pieces please forgive me if this post gets a bit ramble, one of the fun things about PD is it tends to derail my train of thought constantly, but I shall try dearly to stay on point.

photo 1

As the mountains divide and or are divided, so am I. I have always been a classic Gemini. One one hand a leader of people often outspoken in the field of business, never taking no for an answer and always looking to elevate anyone whom i come in contact with to the “next level” On the other a passionate, wondering lost soul of and ancient heart,mind and conciousness. The circles have been a theme in my work since I started painting.

Here they are traveling through the change of the mountains, the divided, and yet they represent the reoccurring change that life as we know it always has to offer. I am and will always be of a divided heart, body and mind. Always searching always changing and embracing the calm that comes with chaos.

photo 2

This piece makes me laugh in remembrance of times gone by. I’ve posted this piece before so some of you may remember it already. This is me being a smart ass artist. at the time in Portland Oregon 1988, the art scene was vibrate and everybody was doing photo realism, which I admire but have a fairly pointed opinion on it called BUY A CAMERA. but enough said on that. this image shows me as a dead artist taxi driver who has put his head on a highly non realistic pedestal for all to see. I was 18 and I didn’t care if you liked my work or not. You’ll find these mesa style Dr.Suess(esc) mountains in many of my pieces even to this day. One I cried when Dr.Suess died and two I was raised in and out of the desert for most of my early childhood. They represent strength, change and evolution in the sense that their form has evolved over thousands of years yet they still stand.

photo 3

This piece means nothing LOL, eggs, Birth, rebirth change. Mother, family, hope, future and growth are just a few of the words one could and i do associate the eggs and orbs anytime you or I find them in my work.

photo 4

Steadfast in change, as the mountains do not run behind but next to the young painterly eggs and orbs in this piece, They are monolithic and proud they are different yet the same. They are orderly yet still and always will be in a astate of chaos.

photo 5

Still to this day one of my favorite pieces. The monolith has fallen (society) it’s up ended and askew. its it cover in clouds for it hides from it public (government truths) The wall, well what can I say, it hides me, protects me, it is built one piece at a time. It bends and flexes as do we all.

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This piece I’ve shown before as well, it has a bit of a joke behind it. Again one of my many arguments with the realistic painter of the time where I felt I and or maybe he put our foot in our mouth so I painted this a Foot Mouth jesters smile. Back in the day of no money canvas was recycled often. If a piece didn’t sell or received bad reviews “off with his head” we would just paint over them. The mountains in this piece are unique though as they have the first glimpses of heads and or faces in them. As to always be watching back and one might find a breast or leg/shoulder floating in the clouds now and again. I was after all a young man with dreams of grandeur. I would be Benjamin, the one named artist. LOL. well at least one thing hasn’t changed. 🙂

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Here we start to get into some more serious thinking things. Disfigured by Nature. a piece in my private collection. Simply, I am he. I’ve always felt since I was a small child that I didn’t belong in this time or place or era. I never have been able to put a perfect finger on it. But that feeling has rested on these bones since I can remember my first thoughts and feeling dating back to when I became self-aware at the age of two. This piece is green obviously but the wrong green. These are flowers of a sort but not made or found in nature yet nature created them ( ME) I have also been given the gift of Parkinson’s thank you nature ( grr) So hence I created this piece to show how I felt at the time. It is and or was part of the 2012 Parkinson’s series.

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Dali’s Baby, still unfinished and over a year in the making. I may never finish this piece but I’ve put so much time and paint into it would seem a waste to paint over it and start again. I have been and always will be a rebel. The sky doesn’t have to be blue nor the clouds white or grey. The ground doesn’t have to be green or brown. The figure is as so often with me disfigured, part out of the why not reason and the other that is how I feel, incomplete. Dismembered by life. The female figure is just being added but as is so often again in my work she is nothing more than a body no hands and head or face. Probably stems from the lack of one single female or (mother) figure in my life growing up, not to say that my grandmothers were not amazing. But I was truly raised by the tribe of three sets of grand parents and multiple aunts and uncles and step moms. The figure in this piece also could be taken to mean transforming, always changing to fit the environment where it has been placed. something im highly used to as a person in this life.

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Green Girl. What can I say she was started twenty years ago and has turned into this. Originally she was a highly sexually charged piece created abstractly-surrealistically using a variety of female body parts. Sorry but what can I say i really enjoy the female form for a variety of reasons. Over the years ive also realized that our entire lives are based on perceptions. Our perception, the perception of other upon us and our perception of ourselves to our selves. have stuff, my green is not your green and the way I love,hurt, laugh,feel truly is unique to me and me alone.

Yet sometimes in life we as human creatures will share a chemical and or spiritual bond that creates this connection. Where our social and emotional,physical uniqueness fades aways and we can appreciate the oneness that we share as a collective conciousness. That etherial bond that we find in the “soul mate” or twin soul. Here in this piece we have a female which will be getting a head. Not sure if she’ll have a face but she will have a head. See i am maturing LOL. She will have the belly of life, she will be real, as in not a stick woman, but a normal human shape, Kinda. the egg is the egg as ive mentioned time and again. It is birth and rebirth it is mother and hope, change and struggle. On the right we will have a Canopic jar where the heart of mother or the creator (me) the painter in this case lives. The arms of the figure are gone and or up, symbolising a selflessness and a hopelessness or inability to instigate change and for the very few of you who know about my private life you will agree in my depiction here. Having a progressive neurological disease instills a lot of fear of change into a person or at least this person. In earlier times in my life if I was unhappy with anything I changed it, quickly and without hesitation, well that’s has changed. The background of this piece is the pass through into my soul, it is made up of watching faces on either side of the landscape. It has multiple figures mixed with in the area representing my feeling of having been here for a long time as well as the generations of my lineage. Not to mention change and the many faces of it. The moon or sun in this case the moon represents my romantic side always the lover, the gentleman the guy who gives flowers and walks in the moonlight mile. Yet it is dark and brooding as is the Gemini in me. I always seek balance. In life both physical and spiritual. In pleasure and pain. in sweet and salty. Okay well then, I think im going to go throw up for a bit. Because if any of you can actually deciefer anything from this epic ramble of mine then you now know who and what I am.

I am a soldier, a scared little boy. A lover a fighter. I am both black and white and nothing all at the same time. And honestly im done typing. no more typing. I love you all dearly and for those of you who actually read this whole thing dear god why? The world needs passion and balance, I as a human a painter and poet WILL bring it to this earth. I WILL change the perception of people and the world WILL become a better place for it.

Namaste

Benjamin