There are times

There are times in this life where i feel so isolated in this disease of Parkinson’s. The internal tremor that rattels my bones to the core each day. The rigidity that binds tendons tightening muscles in constant motion either inside or out, all held together by an invisble fog that binds only me and my mind to the shell of man i used to be. No time to adjust to the new me as it morphes again taking larger pieces of me with it each time.

Finding in these mornings most glorious and dark at times. Waking eachday with an ache so deep in my body, as if my very soul resists kicking and screaming as the relentless mass of parkinson’s disease bares its weight on this body and mind. Yet here i sit.. Watching in moments of clarity and depth. I weep as the pain in my hips is unbareble, hands tremble as shoulders heave in dystonic cramp. Tendons bound and wound so tightly as they twist and turn my feet and hips with torturous strength.

Ah yet i breath i find peace in the knowing.. The knowing that i am just one part of all of all of this beauty in the struggle of human life. This body, this construct of time and fear. Of math and metrics measured in sunsets and darkness, flowers and trees… Hopes and dreams..

Only then as i master this mind this soul. Slowing rejoining the light… Can I breathe as i watch the world around me react is i die… As i slowly need more reminders of what day it is or what the universe of doctors and vampires have instore for me. Slowly as these morning thoughts come to a close..

Please remember I’ve always loved you. Follow your heart for it is more pure than you know. Listen to your gut for it is wiser than you think and take care with your mind for it needs the time to ingest the magnification of lifes endless choices in this lifetime, but take head never stray from the path of light or one will spend a lifetime returning to it.

Benjamin- 2017 #myshakylife

“Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.” Β©2012

Advertisements

Just breath

its funny how even under immense
pressure and anxiety
if one looks for it there is a calm
A whitehot light just sitting there
bright and at one in the center of the
chaos…
just being…
Waiting in the nothing of the present moment.
Is there anything more lonely than the
ever persistant now.?
no past no future
no hand holds when things get rough.
just breath……
one more time..
just breath.
for me

B.2016 “a life in progress.”

Passages – How I wonder.

**The good, bad and ugly of the art world.
It’s been over a year since I’ve sold any of my work. I’ve been admittedly a bit of a hermit since stopped traveling. I needed time to heal my heartbreak. I needed time to actually realize what was happening to me in my life. **warning science stuffπŸ”¬πŸ”¬πŸ”¬
See one of the things that Parkinson’s does is it slowly removes the brains ability to self perceive, hear my own vocal tones consistently and it slowly changes the human minds ability to judge the outcome of what should be a straightforward situation (i.e. Long term plan.)
So basically my time management sucks and if left to my own devices these days is probably wander around the back yard all day if not given direction. 😜🎨😜 so it’s a bit a miracle that I haven’t simply faded away…. I refuse to give up, even though I feel/see all these changes happening in my body and mind. One will have to pry the pallet knife from my cold multicolored hands before give up this fight. On that not say good bye to Passages and How I wonder .

   
 
Passages just prior to being wrapped up for shipping.

   
 
How I wonder: Taken at an odd angle.
Both these pieces are heading east to live with in a new home of an old friend.

Thanks again for stopping in today I hope life has been kind and gentle with you and you to it. Well I’m off to water the plants,paint and see what the day brings.

Always.
Benjamin
“a life in progress.”

The Universe said……..

And I listened.
IMG_2721.JPG
Untitled Abstract:
24″x36″
Acrylic,inks,varnishes and various glazes.
Gallery quality birch panel
250 usd +shipping

Close up #1

IMG_2719.JPG

Close up #2

IMG_2722.JPG

Close up #3

IMG_2723.JPG

Close up #4

IMG_2724.JPG

For the last 2 years I’ve been struggling a great deal with the circumstances of my life and just very recently during a visit with my lawyer I heard the words I was finally ready to hear with my heart and my head. She said, “well, it’s been 2 years it’s time to wrap this up.” Then and there I realized she was right. It’s time for me to emerge from my slumber, my fears and insecurities. It’s time to try harder to be a better more compassionate person. To strive to be as good to myself as I strive to be for those around me. I could ramble all day about self-improvement and self care but the fact of all of this is. I’m starting to heal, I still live with constant fear but I’m learning that it’s less about fear and about the uncertainties of life Parkinson’s and how vulnerable it has left me feeling.
**thanks for listening.

The above painting has traces, of anger and sadness. Hope, courage and strength. Small moments of tranquility mixed within passion and the sparks of life, wonder and wanting.

Well my friends and followers. Enough words for now I’m on to the next work. Cheers and much love and light.

B.
“A life in progress.”
2016

To long

Its been to long since I’ve written here, since I’ve allowed the flood gates to open and simple free write which, my personal favorite. It gives me the chance to simply speak my mind in the voice I hear in my head. This last year in 2015 I must say kicked my ass up and down the block like a seriously mean 9th grade bully.

IMG_2562.JPG

This week I have to go to court hopefully for the last time. Friday I go handle the finalities of my divorce And begin to put myself back together finacially,emotionally so I can move forward in a healthy and happy way. Parkinson’s disease has changed my life forever. It’s made me question everything in my life. I wish so dearly I could articulate in normal non & emotional words what it’s been like for the last 4 years. Or what it’s like right now each day. The frustration of just barely having enough energy to keep up with the day.

Well it’s taken two days to just write this simple touch base. I wish I had some amazing paintings to show or words of great importance to speak upon but I don’t. My pending court (divorce) has me spinning, frozen really. I have to attend without Katelyn or any support so I’m really very nervous. For me the cognitive issues PD caused start when I open my mouth. My word find is horrendous these days and I have a feeling since it’s a combative situation that my stress and symptoms may be rather like an elephant in the room come this Friday.
Well I’ll write when I can, I’ve some very poetic words to share with you, I just need to gather them up again an put them in order.

Much love and light to all.
Benjamin
2016
“A life in progress ”

IMG_2594.JPG