There was a time when life was clear. Each day I’d wake, go to work come home hopefully making dinner with the family, movie-tv time evening chill then sleeps, rinse and repeat for years. Now I feel challenged at every turn, pulled and pushed in every way possible that a man and human could be taxed of heart,body and soul. This candle grows dim with each deception and sin I swallow so the world can rest in peace as I bury their secret whispers to God along with daises in my graveyard. You’ve broken me and my robot heart with your robot heart breaking machine that you’ve crafted over a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others lies. Greed makes people crazy, I know as I’ve nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing to hold onto but the sound of my own voice and pounding heart. Nothing else to lose except myself.
Why??? I scream at the heavens as I beg for forgiveness why must I be so cursed with this body and mind. This soul on fire. A walking zombie just waiting to to hear that golden horn to take me home. Faith has a way of making us feel super human, like we are closer to God than anyone else. Are we though can you not decern the voice of God from your own nor the whispers of demons in your ears and flutters in your broken robot heart.
Now life is not clear or good it is not the life I want to have anymore. There is to much pain, fear, anxiety and confusion here in this new place of life. All my safety nets gone, just me and my bad choices. At least I can be accountable for my actions, reasons don’t have to be excuses sometimes it is just a reason but I’ve have learned that when think you’ve got life you’ll find life has got you. . I’m tired of this knowing, seeing, feeling of peoples hidden truths. It is a burden a can no longer bare. Sleep will come soon and I will find her again in heaven as I rest my tired soul.
**Just working through some stuff, as a writer and artist here is my canvas. Do not judge what you can’t even imagine.
So this is going to be a strange month for me. It’s national PD awareness month. I’m traveling solo further and longer than I’ve traveled with PD before. Traveling so far besides working has been the hardest thing for me to do. Every PWP ( people with Parkinson’s ) has different “triggers”.For me stress is one of the worst non physical evils. It’s cause fatigue on a cellular level, cognitive issues and great physical pain as the rigidity and slowness most commonly associated with PD starts to set in. For me the tremor is a constant.
Ok the real purpose of this post, bits and pieces: is what PD takes from us (me) its a fickle beast, first my left leg, left arm and then super limited “R.O.M.”(range if motion) then in its relentless march forward headed to my neck and now is seated heavily in my right shoulder and right hip. The funny thing is it changes daily depending on medication effectiveness, stress, weather etc. So if you know someone with PD ask them how they are and how you can help. Sometimes it’s as simple as getting something off the top shelf or helping them make a to do list for the day. sometimes it’s just the act of asking that makes a world of difference. I’ve lost count how many time I’ve turn to the community here on WP for support. So from the bottom of my heart thank you if I could give each and every one of you a personal hug or hand shake I would.
Benjamin Michael Prewitt
* Began my new life 11/4/11 The best and one of the worst days of my life.