Hard thoughts on truths

there are times I miss the sound of your voice so much
it brings tears to my eyes just to think of your name.
there are times i wake in the night drenched in sweat
praying this dream will end. Panic, Fear, Guilt, Confusion…..
lost in the dark again…… and again seems to be my artistic
hearts calling..
i tried so hard not to be my father yet in the end genetics of failure couldnt be beat,….im sorry my son…i tried, i tried so hard…. i buried my pride,hopes and dreams. i was steadfast until the end, until i couldnt be anymore…. (tears)….
forgive me as i rip this burden from my heart and soul.
forgive me as this pain is unbearable. i feel so broken and abused by
life.
what evil do i pay for to have lost it all, a lifes work good in reality. gone in figurative and gone for good. (sobs)….. ive lost.. ive no fight, no heart, no passion or strength to even paint the depths of this lost, this hole is bigger more deep and lonesome
than any death ive known…..
this is my hell

b
2015

The day. 8-12 & 8-13

Such a whirl wind are these days. I’m finding that I do like this little house, now the tricky part is making it a home. Trust and loyalty. Such simple words to say and such hard things to earn back once broken. A very dear friend, matter of fact you could say she’s my girlfriend has a saying that we’ve used around the house a few times . ” You can pull the nails from a board but the hole will remain.” Truth be told right now I feel a little like that board. Some things have happened over the last few months that have me worried about life. It sounds strange to hear because most if the time in my head I feel so very young, but I’m not sure how I feel about spending the rest of my life with someone who can’t even be true and loyal for 1 year….. I have to face it. I have Parkinson’s and unless the scientific community finds a cure, PD will eventually lock me inside this husk of a human form and take my life. Oddly enough I’ve come to except that in the scheme of things that scenario is one possibility. But as we all know it’s life and trust me I know better than most, the control we have over our lives is completely false, self-perceived and simply a mechanism humans use to ease the discomfort of living. Granted I do accept that these words and perceptions are my own. The perceptions of a man fight a clock planted firmly on the wall. Trapped in a body that’s slowly losing control. It’s pretty scary stuff.

Anyhow I’ve ranted enough about perceptual life. On a completely different topic. As most of you can tell I’ve started painting again. I’ve not written in a year nor have I painted much but as of late the scales have tipped and it’s time. Life had kicked me so hard I’d forgotten my purpose. I let the anger, guilt and sorrow I feel cloud my judgment. It made me forget that I’m hear on this planet to help people. I’ve been abused emotionally and physically all my life, now with Parkinson’s and the trials I’ve been through I’ve the most ever to offer. My life on a social level has to be dedicated to those in need. Through my art and words is once again hope to bring light into the world. Through my patience I hope to spread understanding, compassion and kindness. Parkinson’s has truly shown me that our time on this rock is short and that life can give and take in moments notice so surround yourself with people who show you in their actions that you are loved. Give to those who have less than you. Forgive and teach the dishonest for the weight of truth in the end is a far more light a burden to carry than a life of falsities.
In other words be nice 🙂
Okay enough serious stuff.. Oddly enough I started this post with the idea that I’d share some photos I’ve been taking. Most can be found on my Instagram but for those without insta I figured I’d share here.

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The way home

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“A day at the river”

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Sunset

Well…. Here we are at the end of today’s story. Sorry to rambled but I’ve so much on my mind these days. If you do anything today please make it one act of kindness. Right then I’m off to tend to this physical life. I hope today and everyday finds you well and at peace with your world.
Until another time….

Always,
Benjamin
“A life in progress”
2015.

12:12 am

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Angels and Demons
36″ x 48″
**info in gallery section
It’s funny how sometimes a song will speak volumes. For me this song and this painting were made for each other.
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Youth
36″ x 48″
Sometimes innocence is lost just because your alive, I’m an old friend of the winds of change. Take it from an old soldier hold on to your happy places someday you’ll need them more than you ever thought possible.

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Namaste
Benjamin

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