As I lay me down to sleep I pray The Lord my bones to keep.
Wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver thing.
Can you hear the trumpet sings how it calls and braes like wild things. Such times desire of loss mad and passions fire.
A tune of love and loss of things
Of pearls and diamonds and shiny things.
For the brace of a lovers touch a companions arm and the tender touch to ease the fire that burns this flesh from the inside out.
A simple kiss to seal the wish
That sleep…..will come to my side without the death bye her side.
Take these burdens, shakes and things.
And wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver things
I give you all a soul to steal
keep it gentle for it reveals
all its hopes, thoughts and dreams
in paint and prose of complex things.
If you listen closely you can here the pipers sound coming near.
A life in progress
** it’s always harder at night**
Here I can come write,cry,scream or sit quietly. Here is home, house is where I keep my stuff.
With such gentle touch does this flower open for a taste…
Soft silken petals wet from the morning mist….
Like waking from a warm dream
Embraced and cared for held safe and sound against a beating heat.
Such a feeling comes only from those who truly love us like the morning rain loves the sun or the leaves love the breeze. Oh to be touched deep within the heart without the fear of distrust or jealously.
Such lessons are the hardest after the mirror of innocence is broken. I search deep in my heart and soul to find the strength and love required to quiet these demon so I may stay to watch your flower grow… And bathe in its radiance and warmth forevermore.
“I will not go quietly into the night,I will put up one hell of a fight.”
Hello it’s nice to see you today I’ve not been sleeping well so the place is a bit of a mess but your welcome to come on in. Here lets have some tunes while we take a look at what adventures this week has in store for us
The day I’m writing this is Sunday 11/20 I think. Had bad news today from an old friend but life carries on right. What’s the saying “Not all that start this journey with you shall be the ones to finish it with you.” and you know what… That’s okay as an empathetic person I know the stress it can cause to watch someone go through something like this. Then to add on top that when I kick this cancer to the curb I don’t go back to healthy strapping young lad.. I go to some new form of Benjamin with Parkinson’s disease. So really no harm no foul. Sure I might think this person is a waste of human garbage right now but I know that those are just emotional reactions to a very real life situation and it’s okay on both sides. Nobody is right or wrong it just is. And in the scheme of life through cancers lenses not all relationships are worth the price regardless of love loss or not. I’m in a place where I’m literally fighting for my life as I see it and there are going to be those that will be in it and those that will not. Sadly that bus has left the station and radiation and pet scan are the next stop. There will be no stopping for broken relationships and hesitation. My hand is out and I’ll take every last hand,shoulder,leg,😉😉 to cry on that wants to hop on this train wreck with me,because lord knows I’m going to need it. But seriously now isn’t the time to doubt or self hesitation nor is it the time for me either.Now is the time where I dawn as much strength as possible and look death and cancer straight in the fucking face and say NO, NOT RIGHT NOW. IM KINDA BUSY LIVING. So to those of you who have never left. My side. You are my miracles and my family. You are the light and strength that keep me strong. With all that I am, with trembling hands and lucid mind I’m forevermore in your debt.
Please remember to always ” Be brave,be bold and thrive in the life you have.” You never know when things will change.
A life on display
Pretty easy to say not always easy to hear the answers. But honestly I’m not here today to talk cancer or Parkinsons directly. I’m here to just talk about life. I’m really missing the human connection today. I was invited out to lunch today by a friend and that was awesome so I got some human time but of course the topics were cancer and thankfully traveling. Though it did make me miss the days where Parkinsons and rocky romance was the biggest issue of the day lol. I’d take twitchy and heart broken over chemo and radiation therapy any day… Grrrr C and P sneaking into the convo…
Restarting, Hi today I walked a lot and thought very deep thoughts on life and what it means to me to be alive here now as a biological machine full of broken bits and vital pieces doing strange things. I thought of these things this way as a means of isolation from the moment. Giving myself the separation from anxiety of cancer and Parkinsons. See now we can say those words and it’s okay. Having the freedom to observe this self as I really am is horrific but needed. I’m struggling through this day by day and the really heavy part hadn’t even happened yet lol. My throat hurts so bad today. And here I am finishing typing this post and just pondering how we even as a race survive. Each human has such an amazing story to tell. As I walked around my town looking these strangers in the eyes thinking none of these people have any..zero idea what I’m going through,the biggest fight of my life…..Then I thought … I…I don’t know what any of their stories are either.. Honestly at that point I realized it was time to walk home. I’d like to say I’m ready for this next chapter in my life but I don’t think we ever really are. I think that’s part of the reason we go through these things in our lives is to teach and prepare us for the next wave of life for lack of a better term. The stages in life never change they become more ambiguous as we get older they become less marked in time, first grade, Jr. High, college. All bookmarks in time. Chapters in our lives that communally we recognize as similar and relative as a shared life marker. When you get out into the less traditionally time measured life factors , buys car,house, first big kid paycheck, first big kid car crash, death in the family, kids start to come or for some they come first then comes the stuff and “home ” not house, there’s a difference. Here I am at this strange place so completely crossroads. I’m trying to find my warriors stance, my emotional footing to fight this huge battle with cancer all do I can go back to Parkinson’s disease. I’m still going to be or feel single, alone I’m still going to need carers and I’m still to be me. The strangest part of today’s thoughts were simple where do you keep the parts of you , ones self that they don’t want ruined by life. Lol. I refuse to give up. I’m not going to let cancer kill me now and I’m not going to lay down for Parkinson’s disease. So the universe and I really talked today about my place in it. I know I need to paint and write. But I don’t think I’m going to do it from here much longer. Ever since my Dx with Parkinson’s I’ve viewed my idea as shorter which for all practical purposes it was , is. Then divorce,lose of family,house,kids ect… The stories are the same no matter what the words. Life comes and does what life does it changes stuff around. Gives you that final exam when you thought it was mid terms ya know. Cancer changes you whether you want or expect it to or not. It’s made me reevaluate every aspect of my life. Sorry..sigh… Again it’s hard, communicating. I process through my verbal centers very strongly and spending these days so much time along has made it really hard to communicate effectively at least in my head things sound off lol.
Sorry to have lost track there. Moral of the story. Be true to yourself, cancer has shown me that time really is short and that life as we, you and I people can be taken back from you or it can make you literally fight to simply have the right to one more breath. Think about that shit right there. I’m no longer chasing the dream of kids,house,car,job. I’m chasing the dream that I’ll get to open my eyes one more day and breathe. So yeah, gf’s and normal this and that 1.5 cars and cat/dog it’s really all trivial. This soul. Me: Benjamin michael Prewitt I require two things to thrive in this life. I need soulful connection to someone for it to be anything and I need contact human to human touches. There have been multiple studies done on babies that lacked human embrace as a child or young adult and its a tangible results in statistics humans need companionship. Any how I guess my feelings of loneliness isn’t done yet. I wish all that are reading this please take the reigns of your life. Guide your choices correctly towards the happiness you seek and you shall find it. ***hate it when forget to hit post.
Okay good morning,night and afternoon.’ It’s now Saturday 5a and it’s time to clean,paint,watch cartoons, write a will you know stuff to do lol.
Much love and light.
A life in progress.
Twas the night before chemo and all through the house
not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
the calandars dated and checked up with stars
the schedules filled and thougt of with care
so we would sleep and the day woulg appear
i could here them say chemo is coming…..
lol. There’s my attempt at cancer humor after a freaking hard day. Showed up to OHSU bright an early ready to kick Parkinson’s ass. Had PT first with,…..we’ll call him Steve. lol Steve is a bit timid for me, I like my pros to be kind of well ass kickers, and well his not. Not that Steve doesn’t constantly surprise me with his genius obvs OHSU doesn’t hire complete idiots. So Steve, pt today. Balance test, bike riding and walking all basic shit but…… I have Parkinson’s disease so my brain is rapidly forgetting how to move grrrrrrrrrrrr. Stupid PD.
Then after a joville hr with Steve I go to see….. Blondie lol, who is well, has my full attention. 😄 we cried and laughed and talked assistive technology, more laugh and tears, cancer talks, PD talks and how the cancer treatments are and could effect my PD….. Note the slow and steady switch of topics…… Pulled a fast one …. So I go to Transitions my neuropsychologist. As I lovingly call my shrink. Basically she’s awesome. She doesn’t pull any punches , tells me straight up that I’m not looking at all the options on things , also validates a ton of my emotions around cancer and Parkinson’s disease. Apparently it is pretty rare to have both cancer and PD, hmmm, who knew. Today was tough bc we talked about the fear of dying and the fear of living and going through the process of chemo and radiation which apparently can also kill me. Thanks for being real doc, #realtalk. So after far less tears than I expected she taught me some coping methods to dealing with the very real waves of sheer terror and panic that come with the dx of cancer. Especially when it’s not a simple snip and clip, bad boy, don’t get so much sun kind of cancer. This is the deep inside sorry we can’t cut you open and get kind of holy fml this shits real I might die kind of cancer lol. Phew …so yeah , for good or bad my stories and life always seem to have a but,and,or,so,to them. So if the ct scan is 100%correct and the cancer is localized in my neck and not the surrounding lymphatic system then even at stage 3 this cance can be successfully treated 85% of the time in stage 2 and hopefully as well in stage 3. Dr wouldn’t tell me what his fancy book really said about stage 3. I’m sure bc he knows I’m a freaking stable train wreck. But if it’s treatable them we are going to fight the fuck out this because I seriously don’t want to die right now.
Some sad things where talked bout today. End of life stuff…. Things that as a loving dad and semi responsible member of society needs to put in order before things like oh….. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy..or climbing Mt.Everrest, driving a race car or running with Bulls. Ya know just that are smart to do because I really do love everyone I’ve met. Sure maybe I don’t want to hangout with everybody lol but, I love’m and wish only blessing and love for all of you. Today, I learned that my desire to be or have a companion around me is normal and not co-dependent, love the fact my shrink thinks that term is shit and that humans are social creatures by nature and it’s totally and completely fucking normal for me to feel completey displaced and isolated by going through this virtually alone. Or physically alone and virtually supported is more like it lol. But like I said to hear that I’m not a totally weak spirited puss was nice. Right then, tomorrow is the big day. Time to have a very mellow 😑😑😑😑 night at home.