There was a time when life was clear. Each day I’d wake, go to work come home hopefully making dinner with the family, movie-tv time evening chill then sleeps, rinse and repeat for years. Now I feel challenged at every turn, pulled and pushed in every way possible that a man and human could be taxed of heart,body and soul. This candle grows dim with each deception and sin I swallow so the world can rest in peace as I bury their secret whispers to God along with daises in my graveyard. You’ve broken me and my robot heart with your robot heart breaking machine that you’ve crafted over a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others lies. Greed makes people crazy, I know as I’ve nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing to hold onto but the sound of my own voice and pounding heart. Nothing else to lose except myself.
Why??? I scream at the heavens as I beg for forgiveness why must I be so cursed with this body and mind. This soul on fire. A walking zombie just waiting to to hear that golden horn to take me home. Faith has a way of making us feel super human, like we are closer to God than anyone else. Are we though can you not decern the voice of God from your own nor the whispers of demons in your ears and flutters in your broken robot heart.
Now life is not clear or good it is not the life I want to have anymore. There is to much pain, fear, anxiety and confusion here in this new place of life. All my safety nets gone, just me and my bad choices. At least I can be accountable for my actions, reasons don’t have to be excuses sometimes it is just a reason but I’ve have learned that when think you’ve got life you’ll find life has got you. . I’m tired of this knowing, seeing, feeling of peoples hidden truths. It is a burden a can no longer bare. Sleep will come soon and I will find her again in heaven as I rest my tired soul.
Benjamin 2018
**Just working through some stuff, as a writer and artist here is my canvas. Do not judge what you can’t even imagine.
In the middle of the night, I wake with a fire of a thousand suns burning in my body.
Waves of nausea like an unsettled sea ebb and flow in this darkness as the sun rolls closer.
Then im up, awake wondering the darkness at 1:48a searching for a porcelain God to hurl insults at in tongues only the sick speak at 2am.
The weeks are starting to drag as I knew they would, honestly I’m surprised sheer Irish bullheadedness made it 5 weeks.
Now zen Ben has to come and play because it’s getting intense the burns,nausea.
It comes when I’m alone it waits until I’m vulnerable, until I’m cozy in my cancer cocoon of the blankets made from promises and prayers. It’s there where I wait for this demon of my pasted to be purged. Today I am tired and in pain. To many days that start and stop to much pain ever present non relenting constant burn to many people fallen by the wayside of grief and rage. Soon though, soon I will find a place where I am more loved than questioned and that place, that place will be home. Me, the dog I don’t have and paints I do will be off to “the other side of the mountain” I live in a valley so that doesn’t really make sense lol I could go about many mountains 😂 honestly if I have it my way I’ll go across all of them, again. Any how slowly I’m waking it’s now almost 6:00am pst I’ve had 5 hrs to control the ick and now it’s time to start preparing the body and mind for treatment.
Much love and light.
B~ 2017
A life in progress
Small things lay at my feet as step through life.
Small things that turn huge if not handled correctly.
Cancer is one of those things. Parkinsons to me is nothing. Love is not a small thing obviously I would imagine we all would agree. Then why if love is such a huge thing to humans do we run from its power and magnetism. We deny ourselves half of the human emotions we feel bc we think it the right thing to do then we sit and wallow in our misery and wonder what’s wrong. I’ll tell whats wrong is half of our lives we spend dreaming of things that we are to afraid of doing . Well no more I’m so tired of trusting, loving, putting faith and expectations upon the world and having them dashed upon the rocks because someone else loses faith. I can’t control nor can I worry about it. I can’t make a person love me, nor my son call return a txt like he’s not 17 lol and full of teenaged boy stuff. So I’m learning to be what I call cold hearted but I guess the rest of the world calls it self centered. It’s not easy because being a very sensitive empath I feel way to much and all I want to do is gain acceptance through service big life moment right there. But it’s true. I digress
It’s funny but for those who know me , I mean really know me. Truly see the irony in this point of my life. Me: goofy .emotional,host,counsel,very social, flamboyant even. Now…. I haven’t even used my human voice today besides to take a video. I’ve no daily companion nor weekly companionship. I see nobody, I rarely go out. I’m isolated and lonely and for those who know me know that this,
This life right here will kill me quicker than cancer lol. Fuck cancer. I’ll take my Parkinsons and hit the road lol. Today I find frustrating. I’ve a lot to do and zero energy. My pain level has been spiking at 7-8 and well I’m kinda grumpy. Tomorrow is also kind of a big day. End of life planning day. Woot 🌊🌊🌊 yeah not so stoked about that, but really honestly as it is to talk about it needs to be done. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy is dangerous stuff and there isn’t any sure fire way to say that I’m strong enough physically to handle it. Mentally no problem, my mind has already been through living hell. I’ve faced physical death before it is what it is. But the destruction of the body is a very painful process and to get the cancer they have to destroy a ton of healthy tissue in a very sensitive part of my neck. So yeah tough day. Sore body preparing mentally for tomorrow paperwork, emergency lists,contacts. Then Tuesday…the day that kind of maybe changes everything. Pet scan. If the pet come back with just the cancer we expect then treatment will commence as mentioned in previous posts. If it comes back with more cancer in more places.. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Sit being honest with myself here as well. Sorry you have to hear these things (remember my safe place)
I’m surprised today though usually I’ve a lot of anxiety and today has been mellow. Mostly just managing the pain keeps me occupied lol. Any how thanks for the chat. What’s the opinion of a YouTube channel.? I already have one but I think I’d like to start doing video blogs. The typing with Parkinson’s is getting hard and the videos would keep my hands free. Now after cancer I might not have much of voice so being able to use a button mic might help that. Well I’m going to try and do one thing today. Th dishes 😱😱😱
I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Truly some many of you are lights in the darkness of my life I don’t honestly know if I’d made it this far without you.
Expressions of my life - An evolution of art. 