Alive,well and still here holding onto hope.

I'm still here, waiting as I've searched and been met with rejection at every turn.

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Letters to my son, 08012020

It seems we’ve come so far from where we were. Everything I had from our lives together has been taken from me in my lowest moments in life. I few pictures of you that I kept close no matter what. Do you know that I don’t even know if your alive, chemotherapy took so much away, I wish I knew where you are, why we don’t speak? You’re older now so I can only assume that whatever I’ve done that I can’t remember most have horrible and for that I beg of your mercy. I have some photos on my phone from when you where just 17-18 years old. Then nothing 😭 there is this void in time that exists for me. A place where cancer took the rest that Parkinson’s didn’t. It took .y friends and family, it took you and your sister and the lives we still could have had together. The relationship that you both deserved to have in your life. Your mother and I, our marriage wasn’t strong enough to weather my recent into madness , for two years I took the wrong meds while in diagnosis, the for 4 more I took an agonist that slowly and most surely destroyed my ability to choose or see right from wrong , stole my ability and forever changed my life. No longer being able to see and interpret facial expressions or decern tones of voice. Unable to sense my own facial muscles .. Or even the ability to FEEL inside .. Dopamine is a not a good thing for the human mind and body to run out of. All the explanation or excuses can’t make up for the lost time and changed lives . I realize this, but please know where you are and whatever you are doing, that you are loved cherished and missed with every breath I take. Find me , I love you and will forever look forward to seeing and knowing the what and why of the last 3 years?

With love, Your Dad, your father , your friend. Benjamin

What was, what is and what will be. 

A heart so young so fragile. What a curse to know how to read at such a young age. So hard to understand why the tall ones don’t understand? Can’t they  see I’m here I’m really here. I can hear, see, feel, you all there.  How come you can’t see me? Time to go? Where.. Wait.. No..!!  Again off we go. Off I go to a new place. No blankets, no warning. Just another plane ride and other set of tall people to try to get to understand I’m present in this body. 

As I sit in reflection of these times gone by my heart weeps for  the child nobody saw. I walk the same streets.  Changed somehow,  yet still the same.  Living in this town is like living in a cemetery, I see ghosts everywhere I go. Pictures of the past laced with youthful jokes and fears. Heartbreak and earthquake.  Skinny dipping and seem ripping skate sessions.  Yet here I sit and longing  look for the day when I can say I’ve arrived. Perpetually asking “are we there yet?” 

    The hardest question,  of what will be…..?  I used to think knew.  I used to think knew everything a+b=c rinse and repeat for a successful life… WRONG. Because that my dear friends may be how business works,  of which I succeed greatly. But life,  my loves does not run so expectantly. Each turn has a choice and each choice has a name each name has a sound and  each sound a vibration. It’s true. Ask your science teacher. Tune in to what you really want, tune into what you truly truly desire in this world and get it. Each will look different and to receive these gifts from the universe one must be focused and pure. Find these string and follow the path you’ve chosen to each great idea you desire. Then do it again. Slowly as you guide yourself through this life you WILL attain your goals. Stay focused stay strong for this struggle is long and life short. Drink from the well and dance with angels along the way but never stop dreaming and never stop living your dream. For it is not just the end result of a goal that is the result! But the journey it takes to get there. For each step and each positive thought,  setback and success are just part of he process of life and the pursuit of happiness. Your dream is now!  Stop thinking  about it and realize the experience of the process is part of the dream. 

    The end. 
    “a life in progress.”

    Double image of “Gemini” #workinprogress lots of finishing work to do with this piece. Much love and light. B. 2016.