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On a night just like this.

On a night just like this the stars shown for us.
Brighter than the anything we’d…..ever seen.
Long walks in fall as the leaves changed.
Followed by winters warmed by the fire.
Gently snow drifts down as softlights guide,;bright lights into springs hands as the body renews and life begins again. Slow at first with just buds of the future showing clear and strong.

Then into growth with branches clear and clean. Woven mysteries like tapestries drift from the northern lights to my heart. Each pulse a beacon of strength and knowing that I am never truly alone in this world.

On a night just like this I forgave myself for loving you and for you never loving me. That is why on a night just like this the stars shown for just me, for I am as you are and we shall forever be lost in time, misplaced but mine no more lost and forgotten as the hummingbirds have left the hillside and now I follow only my heart. Adieu.

Words have never been so bitter sweet as if spoken from a place looking down in shame.i am forever grateful for this life be it ending or flourish for a thousand more.
I shall speak of this no more.

Benjamin. 2016 

My life after you…. 

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And then there was none.

I’ve grown tired of these fickle feelings. These lights I see that seem so bright from the distance dim so greatly as I approach.
Some want things,some want condolences to give or it take.
Some want to stand close to the fire.
But all get burned
There’s only been one to step fully in that light, but that fire has diminished to coals and burning ember tossed in the yard left to die.
There’s always lights in the distances it just seems my eyes and heart have grown week enough to not care . Bruised and beaten from trying to hard. Jaded and sharp from trying to play a game I’ve forgotten years ago.
I’ve grown tired and the Stars have grown dim.
Once I cared to much now these pains and cancers of this earth are slowly jading me taking little bits each time like birds of prey coming to pick the carcass clean. I yearn for the comfort of your hand on my back as I rest,  the sound of your heart against mine,  these are all dreams gone floating in the distance past. Just memories of dreams lost or ruined by time.  

The end of morning words. 

B. 2016
“A life in progress.”
I’ll walk this path along  if I must but I will leave scorched earth behind to remind all that to give up on hope and love is to give up on life itself.

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Small things~Journal style.

Small things lay at my feet as step through life.
Small things that turn huge if not handled correctly.
Cancer is one of those things. Parkinsons to me is nothing. Love is not a small thing obviously I would imagine we all would agree. Then why if love is such a huge thing to humans do we run from its power and magnetism. We deny ourselves half of the human emotions we feel bc we think it the right thing to do then we sit and wallow in our misery and wonder what’s wrong. I’ll tell whats wrong is half of our lives we spend dreaming of things that we are to afraid of doing . Well no more I’m so tired of trusting, loving, putting faith and expectations upon the world and having them dashed upon the rocks because someone else loses faith. I can’t control nor can I worry about it. I can’t make a person love me, nor my son call return a txt like he’s not 17 lol and full of teenaged boy stuff. So I’m learning to be what I call cold hearted but I guess the rest of the world calls it self centered. It’s not easy because being a very sensitive empath I feel way to much and all I want to do is gain acceptance through service big life moment right there. But it’s true. I digress

It’s funny but for those who know me , I mean really know me. Truly see the irony in this point of my life. Me: goofy .emotional,host,counsel,very social, flamboyant even. Now…. I haven’t even used my human voice today besides to take a video. I’ve no daily companion nor weekly companionship. I see nobody, I rarely go out. I’m isolated and lonely and for those who know me know that this,
This life right here will kill me quicker than cancer lol. Fuck cancer. I’ll take my Parkinsons and hit the road lol. Today I find frustrating. I’ve a lot to do and zero energy. My pain level has been spiking at 7-8 and well I’m kinda grumpy. Tomorrow is also kind of a big day. End of life planning day. Woot ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒŠ yeah not so stoked about that, but really honestly as it is to talk about it needs to be done. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy is dangerous stuff and there isn’t any sure fire way to say that I’m strong enough physically to handle it. Mentally no problem, my mind has already been through living hell. I’ve faced physical death before it is what it is. But the destruction of the body is a very painful process and to get the cancer they have to destroy a ton of healthy tissue in a very sensitive part of my neck. So yeah tough day. Sore body preparing mentally for tomorrow paperwork, emergency lists,contacts. Then Tuesday…the day that kind of maybe changes everything. Pet scan. If the pet come back with just the cancer we expect then treatment will commence as mentioned in previous posts. If it comes back with more cancer in more places.. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Sit being honest with myself here as well. Sorry you have to hear these things (remember my safe place)
I’m surprised today though usually I’ve a lot of anxiety and today has been mellow. Mostly just managing the pain keeps me occupied lol. Any how thanks for the chat. What’s the opinion of a YouTube channel.? I already have one but I think I’d like to start doing video blogs. The typing with Parkinson’s is getting hard and the videos would keep my hands free. Now after cancer I might not have much of voice so being able to use a button mic might help that. Well I’m going to try and do one thing today. Th dishes ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ
I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Truly some many of you are lights in the darkness of my life I don’t honestly know if I’d made it this far without you.

Always.
Benjamin.

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A day of rest….

Hello and welcomed I don’t really have to much to say. I’m sad for the things that happened and are happening in my lifetime but what can I do right?
I don’t know, today I’m tired and bones hurt. My hips don’t even want me up long enough to do the dishes lol. Bummer. So I’m laying at home stretching like always and pondering what’s next. Dishes or naps, maybe a little of both.โ˜•๏ธ
Well I’m fading fast so I’ve gotta rest and heal up.! Eat Super Bowl
B.
A life in progress

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Old words made new. ~ As I lay me down to sleep

As I lay me down to sleep I pray The Lord my bones to keep.
Wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver thing.
Can you hear the trumpet sings how it calls and braes like wild things. Such times desire of loss mad and passions fire.
A tune of love and loss of things
Of pearls and diamonds and shiny things.
For the brace of a lovers touch a companions arm and the tender touch to ease the fire that burns this flesh from the inside out.
A simple kiss to seal the wish
That sleep…..will come to my side without the death bye her side.
Take these burdens, shakes and things.
And wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver things
I give you all a soul to steal
keep it gentle for it reveals
all its hopes, thoughts and dreams
in paint and prose of complex things.
If you listen closely you can here the pipers sound coming near.

B.2016
A life in progress
** it’s always harder at night**

Here I can come write,cry,scream or sit quietly. Here is home, house is where I keep my stuff.