Missing you.

It’s been years and I don’t know why. A long time ago a change came. It tore everything we knew apart from the seams. So many things I wish would have could have been said before the fog came and took me away. It’s wasn’t by my hand that these things came to be. I know nobody understands what it’s like to not feel anymore. The chemicals in your head that everyone uses to decern right from wrong , clear and not clear. The spaces in-between the choices made no longer exists for me. I don’t see the splash from the water before it comes. I do see the sun before I feel it’s heat. One plus one doesn’t equal two anymore. I forget what it’s like to be me anymore. What can say. I miss you, your laugh, your eyes and your smiles. I miss our lives together and don’t understand why we couldn’t still be a family separated but still be a version of what we were. People do all the time, divorce is sadly become a normal excuse for failing to communicate. To my dear son and daughter Andersen and Isabella. Please know how much you are loved , cherished and missed . Every second of every day since I was asked to leave our family I’ve missed you. In the darkness of cancers grip I kept your faces close. There were days that the dream that we could be in each other’s lives again kept me alive. In the dark of desert when Paula took everything from me it was your faces that kept me from letting the evil of this world take my life from me. I spent the entire time I was supposed to be healing from cancer defending myself from people who should have been helpers instead of hindering. I made choices in those years because I had to, none of th choices were good. But what was I to do??? Nobody was there , everyone figured I’d be dead by know. 25% chance to life isn’t a very good diagnosis especially when I already have Parkinson’s. If I could change the way things happened I would, but I can’t the only thing I can hope is that you remember the man who raised you would have and still would give his life to save you from danger. Please remember I have always loved you and never wanted to be away from my children. I love you, be safe and make good choices. I’m easy to find when you’re ready. I love you, I miss you. Be safe

Love, Dad. Benjamin

Once I wrote a word or two… Then more came to at hello.. these are for you.

Into the vast abysmal plane I cast gaze for a thousand times nine times ninety nine millennia.. Waiting, watching, wanting for something else, something, someone a soul to hold close and dear just once more.

Back from the darkest place you’ve ever been I have returned. The coldest places in the human soul past our hearts and minds, past the fluffy feel goods of our conscious mindful soul… To the places we hide in as children, to darkest hiding cubbies in ones soul. This is where I’m found , home to know one home to me…

Then a glimmer of hope.. So far away.. I dare not dream of a day this rock will bare the weight of another soul. A purpose for which I have been assembled through the years of failures and tribulations.. Yet I remain, still full of fire, still unquenchable in desire for life’s sweet embraces. Forever haunted of home…. Home, this elusive place in my heart where once I lived. I was kind and generous there. Abundance thrived and we thought we were whole.. yet I was not , I was broken beyond repair of what I knew., And I knew nothing .

Now we sit here gazing across the world and the spaces in-between wondering what do we do next. How does this door open and close , how do we not shake in fear and arresting motion for the panic of the unknown tender heart that cried for forgiveness in the darkest of rain soaked nights . Now are hearts bleed again , the low thump, thud of a angles broken heart, wings beat in the invisible ethers of the hopes hell. Waiting for forgiveness to give way to this hearts pain. Love not the beast that Iv become but the man inside that takes it eachday for I love you more than this heart could ever bare to speak in any tongue…. Good night, I hope you hear me. Benjamin M Prewitt

Letters to my son

Be brave , be bold and thrive in you life. I don’t know where you are or. How to get ahold of you. So I’ll leave this here each year I’m alive so you know that I never stopped caring and I didn’t walk away. I was asked to leave so I honored what was asked of me as I’d always done. Anyhow I love you,I miss you and wherever you are I hope you are happy and you know how much I miss and love both you and your sister dearly. Please know I am here and I will always be here for you, when you’re ready to talk.

Love Dad.

Benjamin M Prewitt

I remember why I’m here.

If this is a dream do not wake me for I have found heaven in the heart of this darkness. In the hardest of times I gave it all up. I had somehow become unworthy of love and happiness as it had been known to me. I had become more, or maybe less than I was as a man. Either way when the dust settled I was alone, barren of the seed and fruits of my life long labor. All my memories dashed upon the rocks of a misguided future and worst still,there were monsters waiting at home to devour what was left .

You didn’t leave a stone unturned this universe of God and mankind. I , you have deconstructed this human beast into a diffrent creation, something of joy and beauty, sadly cursed with the passion of a thousand men the heart of a lion, the soul of saint, tongue of the devil and hand of a hero.

I come to you on bended knee take me as I am. Take me for me and I’ll give you all that I be.. I have nothing and everything to give,.the only thing left is me.

B-2019

Thoughts and expressions of my life.

Sunday 12-16-18