Baby stepping in big boy shoes.

Greetings and salutations. I just wanted to give those of you who keep intouch with me only here an update from my 30 day post treatment visit. My Dr said my tumors are gone,visually there is no sign of my cancer. Since it’s not a blood born cancer I have to wait 90 day to flush the bad stuff out and heal before they do my pet scan. In mi April is when the pet happens and that’s when I’ll find out the true true on an inside level. So how to take all this…?
It’s good news! Now on to the healing part. It’s going slow and fast. The tissue in my mouth and throat is Helen quickly but my jaw bone and teeth are messed up from the treatment. I’ve about 4-5 teeth that are going to need to be pulled and the jaw bone Dr says will heal in time, how much time who knows. I’ve been told anywhere from 6months to 2 years to never. Some of the damage done during radiation therapy is permanent. Nerve and muscle damage that 30 radiation treatments cause to the human body. So all in all I’m good, I’ve lots of healing to do and lots of packing to do. Still need to find a place to live but I’m not worried I’ve a less that perfect but place to go when needed and a place to go after though far away but as it stands now I’ve one or two reasons to stay and 500 reason to leave. Who knows where my hurt heart will land.
Anyhow that’s the skinny on me B. Not dead yet still shaken my bacon and painting for you. What happens next I haven’t a clue.
Cheers B.
2017
“A life in progress.”

Falling words…. Spontaneous free write

I wobble when I walk and
Mumble when I talk.
I follow a path that’s been previously laid, by choices and voices the deaf ears of Parkinson’s made.

I’ve a voice that betrays the things that I say and ears that are silent to the tones that they say.
I freeze in my gait which is a step for those in the dark.
A trip and a slip is a walk in the park but don’t ever ask for me to not wiggle, its something I do for I’m stuck in the middle,
of being forced to move by mans little pills and ordered to freeze by gods very will.
So will happen to this corpse slowly made, I’ve fended off cancer and live with the shakes my friendships have left me for they’ve had all they could take.
Can’t t blame them I guess for its had to take
a voice that varies with sounds that it makes for they come from a face that tragically says something that’s different than what the voice has said.

Confusing it must be to live life by choice, to believe me is hard
when you only listen to my voice.
You’ve forgotten to know me and listen to the motions
this body makes with grand little notions.
Here let me take care of the little things in life,
so you can focus on keeping yours nice.
I’ve given up on dreams for mine get lost or frozen or are simply just dust. My actions will prove.
I’m a quality man,
if you learn to listen from
your heart not your head
then you’ll hear me quite simply
if you just listen instead.
Of looking for meanings that are lost in the dark for my friends I rather simply
I speak from my heart.
The end.
B.2017
Just words.

2 day left ~ gathering strength

Here we are at the the second to last day of my treatments. The last two radiation therapy of this experience. A person I used to know once told me that cancers journey is very person and everyones experience is different . Now having lived through the experience I understand better than ever how true thy statement was.! Nobody can prepare you for this type of life experience. They tell you it’s going to get “bad” or “hard” words like “tough” are used. Sadly non of which prepare one for the very person journey of cancer. Yesterday I crossed a threshold of pain and fatigue. I had my first negative experience at my speech pathologist and then my 3rd to last treatment where I feel asleep on the table. Anyhow non of that is really important in the scheme of things. For me the hardest part is and has been these last few days. I’m not sure if it’s bc I can see the finish line and I’m letting my guard don a little and excepting how I actually feel. Most likely it’s simply a combination of the treatment and the overall weight of this experience have finally caught up with me. I’m 156 lbs and I’ve been living on protein shakes and broth for two weeks. My pain level in my throat spikes at 9-10 yes I know that’s extreme but I can’t tell how many times I’ve thought about just admitting myself to the hospital to finish this process. Honestly I’m not trying to be negative but people need to understand that just because I’ve been able to keep mostly a mentally positive approach to this experience of cancer but I have to admit it is and has been the most painful ,lonely and miserable experience I’ve ever had. Life changing to be honest. Well folks it’s shower time and get ready for this next to last treatment. Time to put on my game face and stare death in the face and say fuck you. Not now.

Much love and light.
Benjamin 2017
A life in progress

In the middle of the night.

In the middle of the night, I wake with a fire of a thousand suns burning in my body.
Waves of nausea like an unsettled sea ebb and flow in this darkness as the sun rolls closer.
Then im up, awake wondering the darkness at 1:48a searching for a porcelain God to hurl insults at in tongues only the sick speak at 2am.
The weeks are starting to drag as I knew they would, honestly I’m surprised sheer Irish bullheadedness made it 5 weeks.
Now zen Ben has to come and play because it’s getting intense the burns,nausea.
It comes when I’m alone it waits until I’m vulnerable, until I’m cozy in my cancer cocoon of the blankets made from promises and prayers. It’s there where I wait for this demon of my pasted to be purged. Today I am tired and in pain. To many days that start and stop to much pain ever present non relenting constant burn to many people fallen by the wayside of grief and rage. Soon though, soon I will find a place where I am more loved than questioned and that place, that place will be home. Me, the dog I don’t have and paints I do will be off to “the other side of the mountain” I live in a valley so that doesn’t really make sense lol I could go about many mountains 😂 honestly if I have it my way I’ll go across all of them, again. Any how slowly I’m waking it’s now almost 6:00am pst I’ve had 5 hrs to control the ick and now it’s time to start preparing the body and mind for treatment.
Much love and light.
B~ 2017
A life in progress

24-12-2016 tales from the C-train

They say it’s almost Christmas, I find it hard believe . I’ve no tree for the first time since I honestly can’t remember. I slept until 1:39 today if you don’t count the four hours I was up worshipful the porcelain God. 😲🤒 lets just say the doctors predicted of about two week before the sickness hit was correct . It’s hard to explain the reality in ones head. Not emotionally but the physical oddity of radiation therapy and chemotherapy. How it makes you feel like you’re in a fog or a huge pit super far away. Everything is clear about what’s going on around me but I’m completely removed. You could tell me it’s my birthday after I woke up and I’d probably believe you. Totally removed lol. Then there’s the pain unreal, unexplainable in real non sensational way. I just pray for those who have gone through and will go through what I am. Not to mention the Parkinson’s disease. I’m not going to go into that at all right now. Needless to say but WOW. So since its already Christmas in most of the world. Merry Christmas and blessings to all other winter solstice religious and spiritual appreciations. Namaste.
Until another day
Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”

B.2016
🎄🎄🎄