Missing you.

It’s been years and I don’t know why. A long time ago a change came. It tore everything we knew apart from the seams. So many things I wish would have could have been said before the fog came and took me away. It’s wasn’t by my hand that these things came to be. I know nobody understands what it’s like to not feel anymore. The chemicals in your head that everyone uses to decern right from wrong , clear and not clear. The spaces in-between the choices made no longer exists for me. I don’t see the splash from the water before it comes. I do see the sun before I feel it’s heat. One plus one doesn’t equal two anymore. I forget what it’s like to be me anymore. What can say. I miss you, your laugh, your eyes and your smiles. I miss our lives together and don’t understand why we couldn’t still be a family separated but still be a version of what we were. People do all the time, divorce is sadly become a normal excuse for failing to communicate. To my dear son and daughter Andersen and Isabella. Please know how much you are loved , cherished and missed . Every second of every day since I was asked to leave our family I’ve missed you. In the darkness of cancers grip I kept your faces close. There were days that the dream that we could be in each other’s lives again kept me alive. In the dark of desert when Paula took everything from me it was your faces that kept me from letting the evil of this world take my life from me. I spent the entire time I was supposed to be healing from cancer defending myself from people who should have been helpers instead of hindering. I made choices in those years because I had to, none of th choices were good. But what was I to do??? Nobody was there , everyone figured I’d be dead by know. 25% chance to life isn’t a very good diagnosis especially when I already have Parkinson’s. If I could change the way things happened I would, but I can’t the only thing I can hope is that you remember the man who raised you would have and still would give his life to save you from danger. Please remember I have always loved you and never wanted to be away from my children. I love you, be safe and make good choices. I’m easy to find when you’re ready. I love you, I miss you. Be safe

Love, Dad. Benjamin


If you listen….(early AM freewrite)

Why is it here…. In the dark of the morning that my heart breaks for you the most. Is it here where i lost you amongst the trolls and giants. Amongst the ghosts of unwritten love letters and goodbyes never said in time. Is it here that i lost you amongst the thieves of the night that linger until last call… If you listen you can still feel my heart beat with yours. I can still taste the salt of your skin the taste of tears as your bad dreams fade away… I should have kept you forever my blue butterfly, such dreams only come once in a lifetime. Sadly our paths were meant for others to cross and cross again before we should ever speak eachothers name twice again.

A lifetime in a lifetime, across a field of nightmares I’ve run from since i was a child….So many planes, so many bombs. i wondered if the world would ever stop shaking….. Then, then i remembered it was me not the earth who was shaking as the sun was making her last kiss to the moon good bye…. If you listen you can still hear his heart breaking as the sun caressed the sky..

The end.


**early AM freewrite a poetic flow to let my mind go and let words leak from my head. Kisses B.