7:45;When I’m not actually communicating my brain is fine. When talking though is another story. I’m thinking 409 times faster than my body can process so I lose the ability to effectively communicate or properly execute basic daily tasks, make. Literally overwhelmed visually and audittoraly. Phone calls, schedule tasks, plan, cook, it pretty much sucks butt. There ya go. Life with Parkinson’s disease. Here’s the thing folks, Parkisons disease is a rough one. Nobody knows what’s next, some ppl with PD simply die 😂 really just randomly. Some live long happy lives. Some like me get it young and then it gets interesting. See at my age and skill set I’ve been able to chronicle the madness that is PD. From a strong healthy family man, business leader and community NPO advocate to a bewildered, confused post cancer, advanced now 9 years later with PD. Dementia creeping it’s ugly f#+ker of a face in the shadows. Yes I’ve been lucky to have been able to share my story. To share what it’s like to be torn apart by a society that doesn’t believe in taking care of it’s own, being dis valued by a society that says not fixable is unwanted and unworthy of fair and compassionate judgment. I’m tired and in the middle of what will hopefully be my last rollercoaster for a while. Left high amongst the precipus of a breaking wave told to have faith one last time. This time I’ve truly committed my soul and every last fiber of my being to. I have nothing left to give. No vial ke future to see or dreams to jave that are dependant upon others. So…. Yeah… Parkisons disease sucks. Be kind to each other as the days go by in the end the thought of dying alone is terrifying.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked this early in the morning. I’d like to say that it’s good to be here, or that I’ve been doing well but that would be a lie. I’ve been chased here by demons of my own making fueled by fear and driven by thunderous fury. Liquid rains of electric fire that course and creep just below the skin as if in one white hot moment my soul will burst through……
Then darkness, I come slowly back to this broken shell of a man who tried to live in the face of death. Met at every turn with heartaches and thoughts so dark the devil himself took notes. These hands are so cold and I can barely feel my feet anymore. Small stones live in the places where muscles once stood proud and strong. Left only with tendons bound tighter and tighter each day. Anxiety filling the spaces Inbetween.
She’s gone now…. They’ve all gone and I’m alone again. I’m so tired of this game of love and God, this game of men are chasing and wanting the world. I don’t want the world anymore, just a small piece to grow some food and medicine. A small place and a big tree out back so when the death lights come for me they don’t have to work to hard to recycle this shell,this bag of bones and water I’ve been forced to carry for to long as it is. Yes a small house a big tree and a garden…… Maybe a cat or two so I can touch a soft thing now and again…. Time for fire it’s 4am on the coldest day of the coldest week of the coldest month of my heart so far this year.. 1-2-2018
The End~Benjamin 2018. **As all of my written words are true to the word not all meanings are of the truth but imagination. Sounds criptic I know, I guess you can say my words are mixed with things I feel as well as things I have felt. Enough for now. B-2018
Into the heart of the matter does a man not begin to see things clearly after years of experience and silent hell spent yearning for things lost to the uncureable and fortunes failure.?
Give him not the grace of wisdom by failing to prove faithful and loyal of heart and mind, then truly demons mist walk among us in the shape of Eve and Angels lost of hope and heart, broken and cursed forevermore. Wings of gossomur silk traded for whispers of a ghost, lost in the darkness.
Again surrounded by confusion and panic. Living in a roller coasters heart has taken its toll… I’ve grown to tired to fight anymore, the soul of Hope has been bled nearly dry by harlotts and harpies. Grown so tired of endless giving, endless judgement and critics galor. All for a place to rest this weary and weathered soul, a cursed night and endlesswonderer now numb and tired from the rain and cold of this life. Shivers uncontrolled now echo these bones of truths giving pardon only to fires in my soul as I drift away…
The End… A freewrite by.me
Benjamin M Prewitt 2017 December 31st #myshakylife
There is a sorrow in my heart that can only be the reminder that each of us see things in different a light. We choose greedily to protect our white lies and whole truths. These things we think tether us to this earth. Sadly in the end when all then skin and bones melts away are we are all not judged on the way we treat others. Sorrow buried its head in my heart and soul today and with sorrow will stay for many a day, for today I lost hope in mankind and its wicked ways. Ive only wanted ever to love and be loved
But there is book on this insanity called life. There is no do this, do that assurence in humanity. No true word of coviction and morality. I will do what I sat I will do. There is very little honor amongst men and even less with women. This place has lost its heart and soul. Scambli g for the crumbs of life like a begger in the steeet with sorrow and my heart and sorrow at my feet.