It’s been years and I don’t know why. A long time ago a change came. It tore everything we knew apart from the seams. So many things I wish would have could have been said before the fog came and took me away. It’s wasn’t by my hand that these things came to be. I know nobody understands what it’s like to not feel anymore. The chemicals in your head that everyone uses to decern right from wrong , clear and not clear. The spaces in-between the choices made no longer exists for me. I don’t see the splash from the water before it comes. I do see the sun before I feel it’s heat. One plus one doesn’t equal two anymore. I forget what it’s like to be me anymore. What can say. I miss you, your laugh, your eyes and your smiles. I miss our lives together and don’t understand why we couldn’t still be a family separated but still be a version of what we were. People do all the time, divorce is sadly become a normal excuse for failing to communicate. To my dear son and daughter Andersen and Isabella. Please know how much you are loved , cherished and missed . Every second of every day since I was asked to leave our family I’ve missed you. In the darkness of cancers grip I kept your faces close. There were days that the dream that we could be in each other’s lives again kept me alive. In the dark of desert when Paula took everything from me it was your faces that kept me from letting the evil of this world take my life from me. I spent the entire time I was supposed to be healing from cancer defending myself from people who should have been helpers instead of hindering. I made choices in those years because I had to, none of th choices were good. But what was I to do??? Nobody was there , everyone figured I’d be dead by know. 25% chance to life isn’t a very good diagnosis especially when I already have Parkinson’s. If I could change the way things happened I would, but I can’t the only thing I can hope is that you remember the man who raised you would have and still would give his life to save you from danger. Please remember I have always loved you and never wanted to be away from my children. I love you, be safe and make good choices. I’m easy to find when you’re ready. I love you, I miss you. Be safe
Love, Dad. Benjamin
Please do not come to me with love or lust.
Please do not come to me with tears or fears.
Please do not come to me with memories in your eyes.
Please do not come for me if you’re not going to stay.
Please do not come for me if you’re just going to walk away.
Please do not come to me if these things lay in your mind for now in this life I’ve decided to unwind. Nearly 50 years of this Earth and I’m tired of the grind.
Please do not come to me , with wishes of fishes and fancy hand made poems. You’ve already thrown them all away, I’ll not paint them again. Gone shall that stay.
Please do not come to me if you can’t love me for me being me for more than a day.
There was a time when life was clear. Each day I’d wake, go to work come home hopefully making dinner with the family, movie-tv time evening chill then sleeps, rinse and repeat for years. Now I feel challenged at every turn, pulled and pushed in every way possible that a man and human could be taxed of heart,body and soul. This candle grows dim with each deception and sin I swallow so the world can rest in peace as I bury their secret whispers to God along with daises in my graveyard. You’ve broken me and my robot heart with your robot heart breaking machine that you’ve crafted over a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others lies. Greed makes people crazy, I know as I’ve nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing to hold onto but the sound of my own voice and pounding heart. Nothing else to lose except myself.
Why??? I scream at the heavens as I beg for forgiveness why must I be so cursed with this body and mind. This soul on fire. A walking zombie just waiting to to hear that golden horn to take me home. Faith has a way of making us feel super human, like we are closer to God than anyone else. Are we though can you not decern the voice of God from your own nor the whispers of demons in your ears and flutters in your broken robot heart.
Now life is not clear or good it is not the life I want to have anymore. There is to much pain, fear, anxiety and confusion here in this new place of life. All my safety nets gone, just me and my bad choices. At least I can be accountable for my actions, reasons don’t have to be excuses sometimes it is just a reason but I’ve have learned that when think you’ve got life you’ll find life has got you. . I’m tired of this knowing, seeing, feeling of peoples hidden truths. It is a burden a can no longer bare. Sleep will come soon and I will find her again in heaven as I rest my tired soul.
**Just working through some stuff, as a writer and artist here is my canvas. Do not judge what you can’t even imagine.
It’s midnight here and I must go write. Type or speak but not write, is anything written anymore…? Vows not spoken nor true loves token, taken anymore. Has the world lost its way again? How strange to be here again as the flowers start to push and reach for the nights air. Like a dream of a dream that I’ve been here before. Soon the sun will come and bring more changes to the world, my world and our lives are scarred forevermore with the tears of Angels.
How strange that you are here while I am there. Worlds apart but we breath the same air. Tonight I am weak and solice I seek for the demons tear at my soul…. Twin flames burn bright white hot as ones heart turns to coal. Another turns to stone in face of a place I used to call home. Strange how you think you know what you’d do when it came time to do it, but time is fickle , like an icecicle it drips away before you know it.
**Random freewrite, the purging of my brains.