When I think of you you my heart breaks with joy amd sadness all at once. To have had the chance to bathe in your beauty forever and have lost that chance have left me a changed man. Every butterfly deserve a chance at freedom and every Raven a branch to perch. Mhlyh always and forever.
Writing because it kills the heartache of reality.
7:45;When I’m not actually communicating my brain is fine. When talking though is another story. I’m thinking 409 times faster than my body can process so I lose the ability to effectively communicate or properly execute basic daily tasks, make. Literally overwhelmed visually and audittoraly. Phone calls, schedule tasks, plan, cook, it pretty much sucks butt. There ya go. Life with Parkinson’s disease. Here’s the thing folks, Parkisons disease is a rough one. Nobody knows what’s next, some ppl with PD simply die 😂 really just randomly. Some live long happy lives. Some like me get it young and then it gets interesting. See at my age and skill set I’ve been able to chronicle the madness that is PD. From a strong healthy family man, business leader and community NPO advocate to a bewildered, confused post cancer, advanced now 9 years later with PD. Dementia creeping it’s ugly f#+ker of a face in the shadows. Yes I’ve been lucky to have been able to share my story. To share what it’s like to be torn apart by a society that doesn’t believe in taking care of it’s own, being dis valued by a society that says not fixable is unwanted and unworthy of fair and compassionate judgment. I’m tired and in the middle of what will hopefully be my last rollercoaster for a while. Left high amongst the precipus of a breaking wave told to have faith one last time. This time I’ve truly committed my soul and every last fiber of my being to. I have nothing left to give. No vial ke future to see or dreams to jave that are dependant upon others. So…. Yeah… Parkisons disease sucks. Be kind to each other as the days go by in the end the thought of dying alone is terrifying.
There was a time when life was clear. Each day I’d wake, go to work come home hopefully making dinner with the family, movie-tv time evening chill then sleeps, rinse and repeat for years. Now I feel challenged at every turn, pulled and pushed in every way possible that a man and human could be taxed of heart,body and soul. This candle grows dim with each deception and sin I swallow so the world can rest in peace as I bury their secret whispers to God along with daises in my graveyard. You’ve broken me and my robot heart with your robot heart breaking machine that you’ve crafted over a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others lies. Greed makes people crazy, I know as I’ve nothing but the clothes on my back. Nothing to hold onto but the sound of my own voice and pounding heart. Nothing else to lose except myself.
Why??? I scream at the heavens as I beg for forgiveness why must I be so cursed with this body and mind. This soul on fire. A walking zombie just waiting to to hear that golden horn to take me home. Faith has a way of making us feel super human, like we are closer to God than anyone else. Are we though can you not decern the voice of God from your own nor the whispers of demons in your ears and flutters in your broken robot heart.
Now life is not clear or good it is not the life I want to have anymore. There is to much pain, fear, anxiety and confusion here in this new place of life. All my safety nets gone, just me and my bad choices. At least I can be accountable for my actions, reasons don’t have to be excuses sometimes it is just a reason but I’ve have learned that when think you’ve got life you’ll find life has got you. . I’m tired of this knowing, seeing, feeling of peoples hidden truths. It is a burden a can no longer bare. Sleep will come soon and I will find her again in heaven as I rest my tired soul.
**Just working through some stuff, as a writer and artist here is my canvas. Do not judge what you can’t even imagine.
Into the heart of the matter does a man not begin to see things clearly after years of experience and silent hell spent yearning for things lost to the uncureable and fortunes failure.?
Give him not the grace of wisdom by failing to prove faithful and loyal of heart and mind, then truly demons mist walk among us in the shape of Eve and Angels lost of hope and heart, broken and cursed forevermore. Wings of gossomur silk traded for whispers of a ghost, lost in the darkness.
Again surrounded by confusion and panic. Living in a roller coasters heart has taken its toll… I’ve grown to tired to fight anymore, the soul of Hope has been bled nearly dry by harlotts and harpies. Grown so tired of endless giving, endless judgement and critics galor. All for a place to rest this weary and weathered soul, a cursed night and endlesswonderer now numb and tired from the rain and cold of this life. Shivers uncontrolled now echo these bones of truths giving pardon only to fires in my soul as I drift away…
The End… A freewrite by.me
Benjamin M Prewitt 2017 December 31st #myshakylife
Truth be told I’m not sure my heart can handle this grief. Nor to care to bare its memory. My soul is bare and you are there with no change. No change in routines just a silent heartache you deserve. Yet I bask here on this last sunny day in the Indian summer that just may be my last and I grieve though one should never covent another’s treasure so perhaps I deserve my punishment after all. Truth be told.
b-2017 “May you always have the courage to be the best version of yourself you can be each and every day. ”