The dawn waits for no man, neither does Parkinson’s disease

**This is not poetic, nor happy it’s also not a cry for help. It simply just is.


I’ve come to hate mornings
They leave me broken and tired
Recovering from my dance with the
Sandman.
There was a time when the dawn called my name
with a glorious song and colors flooded my world.
Now I find only pain and the relentless crush of this disease.
There are no words I can give you that truly explain the
persistence of Parkinson’s disease. It simply never stops.
Never let’s go. There are times that I want to just be done
be done fighting. Be done taking pills for pain and pills
to replace the chemicals my brain no longer makes.

There was a time when the mornings song was a gift
the predawn stillness, the first birds of the day.
Me and a strong espresso, dreaming of all the
things I’d fill my life with.
Now its a race, a race for the first pills of the day
a race to stay one step ahead of the pain. A race to
learn the tricks of he brain as my cognitive functions change.
as I sit here and write these words out of my head and heart
placing them in space instead of myself, I feel the sadness settle
in. This sadness tells me its time to go, it tells me I’ve
rested to long in this place of thought and self analyzing
deprecation. So I leave you with these thoughts from a
man who has been graced with a life full of adventure
love and heartbreak. Don’t wait for life to give you the
things you want. You must make them happen. You must visualize
yourself in the place you want to be and make it so. For tomorrow
never comes so must seize the day or forever let it slip away.
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The Long Road
36″x48″
Acrylics and Ink
2012 Parkinson’s Series

Namaste
Benjamin
2014

Greetings from the studio 1/30/14

Good morning, I can’t even begin to tell you how absolutely wonderful it is to see you here today. Or for that matter how lovely it is for me to be here this morning. As you may or may not know since my move out to the country I have gained  a private studio space, heated with separate entrance real windows and an office. (which still isn’t set up) One of the things that I didn’t take into consideration when I moved was the fact that I was no longer living with some of the amenities of the city such as a the bus, or having my son and daughter even remotely close to the schools that they attend. Oops, poor planning on my part. So there are days when I literally have mere moments to myself before I have to attend to the needs of others.

Such is life. That being said it does give even greater pleasure to the time I do get to spend in the studio. Below you will find a number of pieces **All of which are works in progress, please join me as we take a short walk through my most recent adventures.

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This piece is very close to being finish, its comprised of gold flake enamel and various cadmium of yellow, orange and white.

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“The Last Dance”
9″ x 12″
mixed media
2014
This piece has yet to receive it final definitive depth coat a signature final varnish or truly be finished but I’ve had this image and feeling in my head and heart for weeks. If you will let me take you to your (our) past. That feeling of the last dance of the night, or a long good-bye from a date that started and ended innocently 24 hours after it started. I know I’m not verbally expressing myself well but that joy and longing, sense of completion yet a yearning for it to go on forever even though you know its time to go…. That is what I’m trying to express in this piece and will once completed. Hopefully to be completed after my morning tasks today.
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This lovely miss is just a charcoal drawing that took about 1 minute to do ( 12’x 24″)honestly I am just looking at placement of the figures getting an idea of location, form and feeling. I’m going to be combing (hopefully) a number of styles into this piece. The Goodnight moon, idea with my classic figure style as well as a little surrealism done in the same fashion as Green Girl. We shall just have to wait and see how it all goes could work, could not.

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by now everyone should be able to recognize this collection with their eyes closed , yes its a Coral piece one of two and it is very, very early in its development. As a matter of  fact it only has one color so now its just a giant orange blob but I guarantee that will change shortly. If you haven’t had a chance to stop by and see the Love piece in its new frame then please do so, I think it turned out rather well. As always, Be Brave Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have. Should you ever need reminding of how truly gifted, special, unique and important you are to the world please come see me and we’ll talk. For it’s always harder to see the light you create for others when your standing in the middle of it.

Much love and light.
Benjamin
2014

Big Day

Life is a funny thing sometimes, full of firsts and last. Today for me is hopefully a day filled with firsts. This morning I shall take Hearts on Fire the first piece to be created in the new studio to be shipped to its new home.
I also will have a first medically. I have my first appointment with my new neurologist today.
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Actually she is a “Movement specialist” which basically means she specializes in PWP. I guess because we move funny 😉 Sadly I’ll be attending this rather major event solo as M has a surgery to attend to with her Mom. But on a very exciting and highly positive side. The main garage at the back of the house has now been hyper organized and is ready for use…Yes.. The car is happy once again, it gets to sleep inside. YAY!! You forget such luxuries when you always park your car in the garage. Like waking up and climbing into a nice warm car. Or not having to defrost ice and frost off the vehicle before you can go anywhere. Tis often these small luxuries that I forget about until they are gone. Make no mistake it is a luxury having a car let alone a place to put it in. I’m very thankful simply to have a house to put myself and children.
Okay well back on track then, I must say I’m very excited about a few things coming up in life. I just purchased some new wood panels from my wood guys. The reason I love these guys is simple. Most of the time when you walk into a “mans” store ( which is a joke btw) so please don’t take offence, if your not dressed in coveralls’ and layered in a fine powder of construction dust the service it crap and when you finally get some you either get treated like a newbie or simply an idiot. These guys that I buy from are not that way at all which I completely appreciate. I buy the panels in these huge sheets then the guys with their giant wall saw cut it down into manageable pieces for me, they’ve even loaded into my car on days when I feel exceptionally horrid. Wow! I’m wandering tons today… to get back on track I have a ton of new panels cut, some BIG pieces some normal 24×36’s and then my 24×24’s. Point being I’m happy. I have a new home that wont try to throw me down the stairs. I have a new studio in which I can both paint and have friends and clients over to and thanks to M and the kids with the back garage cleaned out I can set up my “shop” area so I can cut my own panels because I still have all of that beautiful vintage paneling I was given a while back.

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Something I wanted to mention because it came up in conversation the other day, did you know I take trade as payment for paintings. So if you’ve ever had your heart set on a piece or a print but find that what ever price is listed is not doable please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m far far from being a rich man, I mean think about it. I live on a SSDI check that comes from the government, the things I need in my life are very few and very simple. And yes when you push the “donate” button on this site the funds really do towards pills and paint. I wont even go into the cost of being sick in America. Matter of fact I think a number of people have made documentaries on it already.
Well I’ll be a bit of a ghost around WP today as I’ll be heading out of town to go see my new doctor 3pm pst, if you want to chat you can find me fluttering about on Twitter and Facebook. I may end up staying overnight in Portland tonight depending on how I feel after the appointment. Often these things take a great toll on me physically and mentally so we’ll see how it all goes. Thanks for letting my monkey mind chatter away and sorry to be so wanderrie this morning.
As always Be Brave, Be Bold and Thrive in the Life you have.

Much love.
Benjamin
ps. I need a new laptop 😉 mine died.

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Letters to Friend.

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Such a gentle journey in the heart of kindness
flows all possibilities to the end of a long road less traveled.
Does your heart ache at the changing times
or do things of the coming past give you strength
to live a brighter day today and shine on for all to see.

I give you my heart in place of yours
Fear not these death lights dear one for they come in peace
to take your resting bones to place of holy.
Rest in the hearts of all who have loved you and always will.
Cry not for the passing and fill that space the pictures and
Dreams of the times gone by so that you may give that light
to all that continue on this earth.

Please take my strengths when you need it most
for I will borrow more the sun.
Please have my hand when the standing on ones legs become more to bear
than it ever has ever been.
Know that I am and will forever be for I always have and will always be
your friend.

Sempre,
Benjamin
2013

Thank you…

How does one “fight the good fight”? How do the weak become strong or the timid become brave? Because of people like you. And how does one truly give thanks to gifts they receive in life? There are so many ways that one can give thanks.

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So it can be said especially during this holiday season I’m thankful for you. I appreciate you. You’re words give me strength, inspiration, hope, courage and passion. So thank you. I know so many of you ( us ) enter this holiday season with the burdens of the year behind us but still full on your backs and minds, you may wonder how,? How can I ( us, we, you and I ) go on? I’ve felt the same many many many times. When I was first diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease I had really no idea what to expect. Then slow, steadily and with out fail I watched as if from the outside my life fall away and I had very little if any control. Slowly I lost my ability to communicate well enough to run large companies the only thing I’d done since I was 18 years old. I watched as my body, a once well trained fighting machine became weak and unbalanced. I watched as my once steady hands began to tremble like a cold baby bird. I was scared, still am, but then something happened…..I found you, all of you and you found me.
So today I give thanks, thanks for my life that I have, for the friends and family that I’ve made with many of you. For it is the strength, hope, courage of many that build a world so strong with a voice so loud that nothing is impossible. It is because of you that the world is a better place. No matter how far beneath the struggle of life you may feel from time to time know one thing. You are strong, you are brave and you are beautiful and intelligent, worthy of all the good thing life has to offer. I believe in you, I appreciate you and I am thankful for you.

Happy Holidays everyone. Without you I never would have had the strength to become the man I am today.

Namaste
Benjamin
1970 ~ current a work in progress

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