In the end

In the end which comes soon I hope you remember me well..I hope you think back to a time when was more kind, when life was more innocent and forgiving.

I’ve come here today to give an update on my life . Maybe someday you’ll visit here u like you’ve searched for me to find resolve. I must assume that you’ve chosen to let me go a long while ago . That is one thing out of this life that I regret. The loss of your trust, friendship and love has broken me. I guess a stronger person wouldn’t admit such defeat in world do cold and ready to devour any sign of weakness. This would the people I knew that I called friend, brother and lover have all gone for most part. A few reminders of the past that cling to the idea that maybe I was going through life with Parkinson’s and cancer, a bunch medicine for a few years that wasn’t right and a lemony snicket’s of bad luck and choices.

Well that’s all passed and now I find myself at a place in life where I’ve seen before. I’ve seen it in the end of life. In the next few days I’ll start a series of surgeries that I can hope to have the strength to recover from. Wednesday I go in and cyst ( ? cancerous? Idk yet) and bone sour from my inner ear. After I heal from that I’ve got torn labral tissue in both my right and left shoulder. Apparently one can fight to hard against the ridigty of Parkinson’s disease. It’s literally ripping me apart as I strive to let this beast consume me. During the course of x-rays and MRIs they have found numberous endochroma tumors on my spine T1-T2 and on my femural and humorous heads. Sooo we shall see it’s been my experience as I’ve watch those before me go that once the surgeries start they weakening begins and the body spends more time healing than growing.

I have wonderful woman in my life who cares deeply for the man I am , she believes in person I was and defends me as true loving life partner would and does. I have no real home anymore sans the RV, which new and modern,nice for what it is and maybe just maybe I’ll love long enough to leave something behind besides a legacy of pain and paintings. I’m sorry for the pain and tears I’ve caused in this life and hope those who knew me before can find the forgiveness in their hearts as I’ve found for them and the way I perceive the way things happened. Either way not much matters anymore it’s been years since I’ve spoken with you yet not a moment has passed that teats Haven’t fallen from eyes and broken heart. I do not understand how I can be so unforgivable to you.

I’m not painting nor inspired to paint. I’ve spent the last four years healing but sadly chasing a dream I’d never see to the end. No tiny house, no air BB nothing of merit for my time and unappreciated efforts. I’ll be leaving here as soon as can . Off to find a peaceful place to spend my last few years of healing, laughing and loving the few people that find me tolerable. Best wiahes to all those I’ve come to know, maybe I’ll write again before it’s all done. If not please know I loved my time with my friends and family while I had them. I wish more of you had taken the time to find out what I was going through or even asked what it was like. I wish that during this massive shifts in .y reality that I was able to communicate better. To articulate what it’s like to go through 35 radiation treatment directly to your head, to go through 10 chemotherapy treatments without anti nausea medication. *Clashed with my pd meds* I wish could have spoken more precisely about what it feels like to not have dopamine in my body. Anyhow it doesn’t really matter at this point those whom have forsaken me have done so long enough ago to have their choices . Now we all simply live and die with those choices.

I will miss you, as I’ve done every day since the moment I was asked to leave . Please remember that it wasn’t my choice for everything to change. It truly was a thing that just happened, nobody planned for me to sick, nobody could foresee that I’d be highly sensitive to ropineral and it’s deviating side effects and that in course of time it took to understand my medication and the new normals of Parkinson’s that it destroy everything I’d spent a lifetime working toward .

On that note , with great love and sadness I say adieu. I hope to check in from time to time on my Instagram and here. I believe my email and phone are listed here on the site . Be well and may whatever faithe you hold dear give you peace in life . Always, Benjamin, Father and brother.