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Wiggles~When passion looses compassion.

Hi, thanks for stopping in.Well I kinda like to call it the wiggles it sounds better than tremor or dyskinesia. Another day up 3am slept from 4p-3a I guess this is kinda my way hiding from the world. When I’m asleep I’ve a chance to sort it all out, hopefully wake up refreshed. As funny as it sounds I’m dreading going back to my house. Not so much because I’ll be alone but because I’m afraid of the wrath of a scorned woman. No offense ladies you know I love ya but y’all can get a little destructive.
See mostly guys are silly and reactive. A guy will say fine be a bitch. A woman on the other hand will go into another room and drop your favorite coffee cup of 25yrs down stairs, say oh baby I’m sorry what we’re talking about,(evil grin)
**FICTIONAL STORY*** really just making a point. So yeah I’m a bit timid when it comes to going home tomorrow.
I think the worst part about this whole experience is well obviously that everyone involved got hurt in some way. That’s never ever okay. But so many things were said and done wrong, misinterpreted or just plain ignored. I guess that’s what happens when passion looses compassion. I tell ya it’s F’ing horrible. Any how. My dear friends who have been keeping me safe during this month are back from their east coast trip so know I’ve someone I can chat with face to face and for me that huge. I’ve always been a very visual and have a really hard time interpreting text conversations. So having real humans to hug and speak to see key for me right now. Throughout most of this month I’ve had to make some serious choices without the one person I’d grown close to. Life, sheesh kicking my ass these days. Any here’s a bit paint and an almost done “Angel Heart”

These piece of  wood was chosen specificly for its gain pattern painted and textured against the grain hives natural depth changes and I feel adds to the organic look I wanted for this piece. I keep going right back to a Japanese pottery techniques that uses gold inlay but I have to do it at the right time or the depth won’t be righy. Anyhow I’m rambling. 

Much love and light.
Benjamin
“A life on hold”
2016

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Pre-dawn rant :)

  1. Here I am again up before the dawns light ushers in the new day. I woke some time between last call and the time bakers hours begin. I’m coming to terms with life, but it’s easier said than done when you’ve been out of your home for 20 days. Needless to say I’m not sleeping well. Woke in stage 7-8 pain after sleeping most of yesterday on and off. The daze and panic attacks have lessons since all the choices have been made. Though fear rips through me like fire in my veins. Moments shear terror at the idea of going home, alone. Which bring me to the point of this post.
    The fear of being Alone.
    Not just lonely or loneliness. But the actual physical action of being always with out a companion scares the hell out of me. I’m not talking about a romantic partner, just alone. I talk way to much to be alone.
    Nice deflection:) though truly I am many things, but a hermit I am not. This last relationship failure has taught me some very ugly things about life and we as humans will do to hurt or cause drama to others. Or to what lengths one will go to protect their home. Sadly and truly the ugliest thing I’ve been through. My divorce was life changing beyond measure. This new experience feels like a bad episode of Jerry Springer or some horid bad internet dating drama.
    https://youtu.be/xLnTWxpTQt4Anyhow like i said i talk / think way to much to live alone. So im thinking a dog is my next best friend. I still plan on if physically able in a year getting a small farm and really focusing on the Arts and Traveling with my son.
    Right well its just a bit after 5a pst and i guess its as goodas any time to go back to sleep. Oh and one last thing before I tuck myself back in bed. Here a bit of paint ive been working on “Angel Heart” possibly. Still much painting and texturing to be done.

2 more days in Portland before i can go home. .so nervous about the house and what’s become of my stuff and gardenšŸ˜¦ time for sleep.
Over and out.
B.
2016
“A life on pause.”

The end

It is with the heaviest heart I’ve had I say goodbye to the love of my life. Sadly my insecurities mixed with my medicine and a serious of unfortunate circumstances ended our relationship. I have failed her. Many of you have helped me literally survive of the last month while she and I have struggled through this most difficult time. I’m not sure when, this month I imagine, I’ll be returning to my home in Salem. Thanks to the generousity of many I’ll be able to honor the rest of my lease through December if I manage carefully. I’m at a point now in my Parkinson’s progression where it’s really starting to effect 

My grasp on perception, vocal tones ,facial expression,autonomic functions and oh the list goes on and on have really started to effect my day to day life. It sucks so bad. And the fact that I broke this young ladies heart will forever haunt me. Sure it takes two to handle and I believe that there were mental health factos on both sides that ultimately contributed to our demise, somehow I still feel responsible. I’d like to thank the lord and all of my friends and family for keeping me save durning these times. I don’t need money beyond paying my bills and having just a little more than I need so I don’t feel like I’m falling down a rabbit hole ever time I spend a dollar. I pray for peace in our lives.

That’s it for a while , I’ve been painting at my temp home in Portland Oregon until my home is safe to return to. So I’ll be sharing some of the “process” with you from time to time and as soon as I return to salem I’ll be rejoining my Artists in Action group and reconnecting with all those I have neglected in my life since my relationship began. Time for me to become the artist monk. 
I love you all a great deal. And know this, your kind words again have helped direct and save my life.

Always.
Benjamin.
2016.
“a life in progress”

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Lost

Lost in seas of madness 

Unable to know what’s 

Truly right and good. 

My body, my Mind and heart feel as though

They’ve betrayed me.

I look one direction and go the next.

My blues are brown and my pink is grey.

Perception of mine has simply slipped away.

For I look in the mirror and know not who i see.

Perhaps someone, I used to be. 

Someone like me.

B.

“Lost”.

It’s over- My heart grieves

But, my head does not, for anyone who asks or tells you (me) to sacrifice your health and wellbeing of them DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFE.

I want to thank again the many many people who have come to support, read,follow, like or share my story. There are no words written only whispered in the in the night that could ever express the gratitude I have for each, and, every one of YOU.
Always.
Benjamin
“Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”