Hardest part

These days are difficult. I find myself missing someone who doesn’t miss me at all. It’s one of those self inflicted wounds I so often seem to give myself. When I love, I do so fully that I often lose sight of myself. I’m not one to give up, I’m often to willing to give my strength to lift my partner up and then when the relationship has trouble I get hurt because Im like why doesn’t this person see what I’ve given…? Truth being, I’m the one who gave, I’m the one who shouldn’t complain as I gave with expectation that this other person felt the same as I or assumed that they really did mean what they said. Though either my anxiety or their actions/behaviors ended destroying the companionship.

Now being at place in my life where my children have grown up and left my side. I’ve limited income do to the Cigna nightmare that is still ongoing and I’ve a seriously broken heart and soul largely in part of my anxiety and depression, abandonment and PTSD issues.. that have destroyed every relationship I’ve entered since my divorce.

I find myself questioning every goal,dream or choice I make these days never truly feeling that I’ve made the right choice, sadly that’s more do to my Agnosia and Parkinson’s disease than anything else and beyond my control. So what to do with this goofy bag of bones I’ve been left with after cancer and still thankfully alive but living with Parkinson’s disease.? I’m not sure. I’m mourning oddly hard this last failed relationships which I think is more do to the fact that the worst I get the more un worthy of human contact and affection I feel. The harder it is to stay in the mix so to say.

Do I dismiss the idea of having a lover or partner completely and just face the fact that that Parkinson’s really has taken everything from me? Sometimes I think probably yes because honestly and I say this very openly and honestly. I’ve shared it with my neuropsychologist so don’t freak out, I’M NOT SUICIDAL The reality is I’m being forced down a path in life that sucks so beyond any of the words I can find to express the gravity of the feelings. I don’t like living with Parkinson’s disease.

Sigh…… I didn’t start this post to be ranty or negative I’m just frustrated with people and life. It seems nobody has compassion or honesty anymore. People have “side guys and girls” as a nom and plan b just in case things don’t work out plans… Is it just me but isn’t that the opposite direction of a dedicated relationship from the very beginning? This last relationship ended in the most unexpected way ever and caught me so off-gaurd that I’m seriously considering just moving up to the mountain house and forgetting about everything I ever knew about or starting over somewhere else completely different. I don’t know what to do with the rest of this life. Be it 5 minutes more or 500 years I’m feeling lost, even my faith has been shaken to it’s core. I don’t know. Thanks for listening and no don’t worry I’m good, just tired and writing out this life and living with Parkinson’s disease. It’s ups and downs.

Much love and light. B-2018

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“Wish You Were Here”

B-2018 #goodnight moon

Today-I woke….

Today I woke falling.

Reaching for you.

But you’d gone already

You were there right in front of me

But you’d already pushed me

Out.

Today I woke looking for the

Hand, the person I hold so

Closely to my heart

But you’d gone and I’m falling.

Benjamin-2018

I feel..

I don’t know how it feels to be you… To be inside your head, heart body and soul. To be that you behind the eyes and reflection you see in the mirror. Nor would I ever expect another to understand I of the same. I feel so deeply it hurts at times my mind and adrenaline rushing away with every fiber of my being like a whirlwind of color and weight of this feeling of feeling so deeply… It hurts… I feel.

Do we all not hurt so the same? If so then why do we not cherish those near and dear to us with ever essence of our being. If the world is full of hurt feeling and complexity beyond belief…. If we are what we say we are, spiritual creatures then why do we not act as such and if we are just animals looking for shelter and food. Why do we feel…. Love,hate, sorrow, sunshine, fresh air,bacon….. And the salt air.or the way that only new born babies smell or the last tucked in cuddles goodnight feels….. And why is it so hard for one person to be so different from each other yet be so bonded to another. Feelings…. Yucky feels to many of them these days…

Yes I long for the quiet sky and dream of soft spring rains and longer summer nights. The Sounds of laughter and joy not buses and bustle or sidewalk panhandlers shuffle. I feel to much, to much from you, from me, from the trees and ants and the birds and the bees….. I feel to much… Or is that how the world is supposed to be is that how this life is supposed to be…. I feel to much. The end ✌️

Benjamin-2018

The burden of Life.

It’s odd how life gets away from me, maybe everyone feels this way, idk. Do you? I’m here in life it’s my 47th year on the planet, one would think that it would be pretty easy to get things right… Right?? Successful career and family,friends and life goals, kids are growing up well and turning it psychopaths or something horrid. Flash back moment: Then comes the 90’s in my 20’s painting/singing/selling art then 96 hits and my grandmother dies, HUGE blow, then a few years later in 98′ one of my best friend kills himself very tragically and publicly… I get to identify the body…. My world.is rocked. I look healthy and I’m well employed and by now I’m an emotional wreck.. 1999. I’m blessed with a baby boy, my son. Already with my (ex) wife we have a beautiful baby girl and now a boy our world is completely perfect and stays relatively”Normal” until 2007 when my father died 05-30-2007 very suddenly just hrs before my birthday 5-31 I spend my 37h birthday and every one of them since morning the loss of my father 10.years this year. ☹️ Miss you Dad.

This I think is my breaking point, the family moves later that year M’s (ex,wife) mom gets a very rare breast cancer,2008?. In 2009 I get diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and our world starts to crumble.. In a last ditch effort to save our relationship and our family (marriage) we in 2013 finally find our dream house 9k feet of home,.well two big houses connected by a huge common room/entry room, 4.5 acres of land. I spend the last of my energy and little did I know the last of my time with my family remodeling our home. I decide that life is good enough despite the fact that PD and fatigue,brain slipping, fears and anxiety mounting I decided I’m going to head back to UK for an annual spiritual event I’d been attending for the past few years and Bam, when I get back. No home, no familia, nothing, the day after I come home after a nice dinner, coffee and smoke, I’m given the news that I need to move out of my home. That my wife loves me but doest want to watch me go through this journey with Parkinson’s disease with me. Remember I’m retired by now 2012 the feds and State both agree PD has kicked my ass and working isn’t an option.

There I was in shock from 2013 until now… 🤔😂🤔 Well kinda, I’ll probably never recover from the loss of my kids and wife, let’s just say it didn’t end well. So I’ve been spending the last 5 years trying to put back together something that isn’t fixable which is me 😱😱😱😱. I can’t fix the Broken parts of me, sure I can address my abandonment issues and the related effect on my relationships with people. I can exercise the best and as often as possible and I can eat right and sleep ( lol ) but I can’t cure Parkinson’s disease and I can’t fix the damage cancer and radiation treatment did to me. The best I can do is surrounded myself with ppl that try and understand the me that’s been fighting literally with my his life for my life. I just wanted “normal” or what I thought was normal. Now I realize that nothing i had is ever coming back and now as of just 2018 I find myself again at the crossroads of my life 47 with well advanced Parkinson’s disease, a host of emotional health issues and I’m single, all I asked God for was a companion to see the rest of my days through with. Someone to share the world as I see it. I asked to much apparently.. So now you know a bit more about my story. It’s not great matter of fact it’s a little sad… I won’t even go into my childhood 😱😶 not tonight I’ve cried enough today and the last 3 weeks, I had a friend that Left came back for a few days then nothing…. Total ghost treatment. Yep adults do it too not just mean grade school kids. On that note I’m done woke at 1:30 am it’s now 3:20am almost time to take my 4’s a.m. pills 🎉☹️🎉 then again every 2.5-3.0 hrs

Anyhow goodnight and God bless, be he/she a man, beast or toad I don’t care just be kind to yourself and each other. Remember that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that you are loved and cherished.

Benjamin M Prewitt, be safe and make good choices.