Someday….

Someday I’ll remember when all of this is just a memory. All of the physical pain and emotional termoil. Somday all of this will be behind me and until then i will move slowly,paint and write when i can. Sleep at times feels like my only escape from pain and reality of  day.

Someday all of this will just a memory of the pasted,all of this madness of a life gone wong will settle. The anger and disappointment thay courses through m veins will ease and i to will rehoin the ranks of the fully living.

Someday i will come to terms with that now and for the remainder of this life I am disabled. I am not a functioning blackbelt, nor corporate executive. Im not a runner or weight lifter I am a man living with young onset Parkinson’s disease who is recovering from stage 4 throat cancer. I Guess i need to accept that in reality that’s some pretty heavy shit and kind of a stacked deck against me. Someday i’ll look back but for now the only direction i can see is straight infront of me.

The is no tomorrow no promised future of an easier life. There are no real easy  choices in ny life right now. There is only now there is only what i can see and touch, there is only what consistency has shown me. I now longr tolerate fairweather friends, i find that the birds above and the sound of the trees is fine replacement for those who find me unworthy of their time and attention. 

Someday all of this will be just a bad dream about a life i once lead. Someday my heart and soul will heal from the damage done by life and science. Someday i’ll be free of the ten-thousand thoughs a second that happen each moment of my life or the deffening silence that echos in the night and darkness of this life, depths to which my soul has sank to learn from which my demoms grow is a place i wish for person ever to have go until the very end for it is the darkest place i know.

Someday I’ll be free of me….. Someday..

The end.

Benjamin 2017- “A life in progress.”

A light like no other. 

Such a light far in the distance gives my heart hope that the sun will shine on this lost soul once again. 
As eachday I’m greeted by the kindness of strangers Ive known for years, yet never met. Grateful indeed am i for these angels by my side. It is your strength that gives me hope upon my darkest of days and lighte my nights as my demons run wild.
Though I find it odd how a man so blessed can be so cursed at the same time. Each of these diseases cancer and Parkindon’s alike clawing at me like beasts hellbent on my demise. Yet i find eachtime I’m at my lowest you are there. Having been given this life I choose eachday to try and live a life that if taken suddenly from me I’d be proud to say was mine.
Sadly these years have taken their toll and choices made in haste and in medicated blur have tarnished this once shining armor, so now i do what i must do. I write and paint. Share this life of mine for all to bare witness as i lose my mind and body to Parkison’s disease, dementia and cancer treatments.
In hopes that my struggles and my families loss of a leader,friend,husband and father isn’t in vain. That science can in some way be assisted or that another soul may be soothed by my lifes lessons, then and only then will any of this have mattered. May the world guide us all to do the right thing not just for ourselves but more importantly for humankind.

Much love and light always.
Benjamin-2017
“A life in progress.”


Work in progress

“The Forest through the trees.”
11×14
Mixed media on canvas

Keeping the faith. #bekind

Baby stepping in big boy shoes.

Greetings and salutations. I just wanted to give those of you who keep intouch with me only here an update from my 30 day post treatment visit. My Dr said my tumors are gone,visually there is no sign of my cancer. Since it’s not a blood born cancer I have to wait 90 day to flush the bad stuff out and heal before they do my pet scan. In mi April is when the pet happens and that’s when I’ll find out the true true on an inside level. So how to take all this…?
It’s good news! Now on to the healing part. It’s going slow and fast. The tissue in my mouth and throat is Helen quickly but my jaw bone and teeth are messed up from the treatment. I’ve about 4-5 teeth that are going to need to be pulled and the jaw bone Dr says will heal in time, how much time who knows. I’ve been told anywhere from 6months to 2 years to never. Some of the damage done during radiation therapy is permanent. Nerve and muscle damage that 30 radiation treatments cause to the human body. So all in all I’m good, I’ve lots of healing to do and lots of packing to do. Still need to find a place to live but I’m not worried I’ve a less that perfect but place to go when needed and a place to go after though far away but as it stands now I’ve one or two reasons to stay and 500 reason to leave. Who knows where my hurt heart will land.
Anyhow that’s the skinny on me B. Not dead yet still shaken my bacon and painting for you. What happens next I haven’t a clue.
Cheers B.
2017
“A life in progress.”