As the birds settle against the back of my chair I’m unaware of anything around me. The sounds fade away and the tears begin to well in these eyes. This life hurts more imaginably than i can express. Such loss i feel at times is just to much. To what end is all of this madness if not my own sorrowful destruction. Why bestow such a gift of life and consciousness upon me only to make it full of misery.
Is that my task in life.. To love and lose. To strive and fail.. To achieve and have it all wash away into frivolity. These lessons of love and family and friend, loss,grief and pain am i truly just supposed to chronicle this tale as a roadmap of warnings ” Things not to do in life.” lol.
Waiting for life to settle a bit but those who know well know i dont wait well. If i have an idea or passion i need it to happen now lol 😂😂 I love completely or not at all. I feel with my whole being. I see in colors that dont exists and i speak my heart,mind and truths as i see them openly.
Today is just a day so far. Not good nor bad. I had no preconceived notions about the day prior to its arrival. Busy with doctors and specialist. I’ve been really thinking about my life lately. Cancer has a way of doing that. Really makes you think about the people and things one has in their life. Also it’s a huge reminder of the lack of permanence in our world and lives. All of this is so temporary yet as we try to thrive in these lives of ours we hold onto so much stuff. Hurt feelings and Christmas cards from years ago. Pictures of people we would probably best never seeing again and things that keep us from moving emotionally forward in life.
Anyhow just ponderings of my mind, food for later thoughts. Recap of th3 day so far.
Parkinson’s Disease recap.
Pain overall: 7
Balance:5 its okay today
Cog: 5 moderate focus 2 tasks maxs
Left side report (caner stuff)
Next very very stiff and sore. Jawbone on the right side still locking and clicking with almost all motion. Lack of r.o.m. when eating.
Neck to left arm nerve issue is still untreated large range of motion limits and still have next to no arm strength with perstistant electric/liquid fire sensations when using arm for any task.
Left leg: responsive 50% of the time. Difficulty in putting shoe on and control foot direction when walking. Extreme muscle loss and loss of strength effecting everyday tasks of standing, walking and transferring to sit/stand.
Week 10: They tell you when you start radiation treatment and chemotherapy that they are progressive, they build over time in your system. Nothing can never compare or prepare you for the experience. Nothing I think of truly in the human mind can fathom what it’s like to go through, especially alone. Today I’m going to take you on a gentle but horrific walk through one day in week 10, two weeks after my radiation and chemotherapy stopped.
*back story no driver today, no treatment just me. Alone.
Waking in cold sweats dizzy from the tsnuami of nausua im not even aware of yet. Woken from the sleel.by the searig lain my throat as the bile begins to seep from my stomach washing its way ovwr ghw the aecond and third degree burns caised on the inside of throat by the radiation treatment. Then comes the spins then the floor as crash to me knees then face plant into my slippery vomit. Dragging myself to cool of the bathroom floor praying to god and weeping in pain as my life and mind spin wildly out of control.
Hours later i wake stiff from the Parkinson’s body aching in way and places i can’t even explain or have come to terms with.
Thank you for lettig me share this very private and personal momemt. Someday i’ll be strong enough to tell the whole story.
“Be brave, Be bold snd Thrive in the life you have.” You never when things can change.
I thought for once I’d start here. So often these days i make brief and flirty appearance on Instagram say some nice things to the world then off i go. Today is different. Today is today and it will never come again. I HAVE to gain strength on my own. There is no hand on my heart i trust anymore. The last love i felt hurt me far to deeply to give my heart away again. Id never truly loved someone I’d never met or touched. She came during cancer. Held my heart each night. Was there with a kind words eachday. Never a kiss or touch to confirm chemical connection. Just trust. Or what i thought was an understanding there of. Here is my heart and soul at its most close to death that it has ever been. Looming just over deaths door eachnight as i waited for the next days treatment. Would i wake? would my body and mind be strong enough to pull at the chain leading up to the light? Each time she was there to give me that final hand up. Someone to show me that even with Parkinson’s disease that even with cancer and at the time surely looming death (i wasnt supposed to live through cancer 25%) but i did. It wasn’t my time so said the Lord,Allah,Set,Horus,Buddha and Gia set me free. Saw my soul and chose me to have value on this rock so I stayed.
This love left me skinned alive. The walking dead i never wanted to be. I’ve never feared love, only the aftermath of tis depature. Now i feel as though i fear the love itself.😭😭😭
Afraid to extend more than clincal hand. This body and mind knows your body and mind like a machine. Like trained professional learned in the ways of the heart and soul of menders and benders of time and space. But to let someone in…. I breath in hesitation where there once was fire. I pause in my heart as this body does in real life. I had never thought to believe that a love like ours was real.. Then when i was convinced that it was. I was so excited to dream again. To think on the otherside of this vast blackness that lay before me eachnight there was hope for a better day. And just like my driver when i was well enough to walk on my own i suddenly found myself alone. No shooting star, nor gentle butterfly kisses. Just darkness and greedy hands or those in dismay that i’d lived through the ordeal. Its laughable to think of their faces. “Oh shit, he didnt die.” “and I didnt even wish him well when he was sick.” People wonder why my circle is so small now. It’s by choice. I chose only those who showed my real human kindness and compassion during treatment. Anyhow time to go spread some sunshine. How does the song go? ” Come on along get happy, time to put on a happy face.”🎶💔🎶
Why you wonder would i fill these pages full of such honest pain and then leave on a tone of sunshine. Why? Because my life isn’t important anymore. The gift of Kindness given to world is worth more to me than my own happiness. This mind and body are done i expect nothing from anyone. I ask nothing in return sans that maybe with my passing will remind someone somewhere to be kinder to others than the world is to them. For without selfless givers the world will fall out of balance because the takers are blind and will drink the world dry if you and others like us don’t try eachday to make this world a better place for those who in need.
All my love for all of my days. Benjamin M Prewitt. “A life in progress.” 2017 Namaste.