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At times..

At times life moves more quickly than we can imagine and at times it seems to move more slowly than possible. Though more often than not, time seems to move like water for me these days. So much.. To much.. Has happened as of late for me to even begin to record. As I progress with this Parkisons disease and my body fades away, a once stout tank of a man now cold, alone and affraid of what the future brings.

Though oddly enough, I refuse to give up hope on some small piece of normal again. A tiny home, a tiny yard to tend tiny veggies and tiny flowers as my strength,sight and wisdom fail. A small piece of “Safe” enwhich to paint and write my last years away.

Tonight I write from a place of pain. Not of heart, mind or soul but of body.. As this demon chews threw my skin devouring me slowly from the inside. Muscles amd mind weaken as the signals fade Into the darkness turning chocolate euphoria into panic attacks and tendons into bound cords of liquid electric fire leaking from every nerve always and forever relentlessly ripping at the very bones they serve to embrace.

Sounds dramatic and I wish I was poetically over stating. Thus sadly I admit that I may be grossly understating some of these things as to not worry or disheaerten you furthermore

B

At times all I can do is wake in this body, wave and smile. Find a flower to flirt with as my boxes get smaller. Table for one please. At times the art of dying can be a lonely place to be..

At times.

B-2018

Moving on with life.

Very painful day today, I think I might have some how hurt my back.. idk, my Parkison’s has really good reviews acting up, lots of freezing and movement issues, fatiuge ect…. Anyhow be well and remember be kind to yourself and others.

Benjamin

Day 3,285

Of my life with Parkison’s disease. Good morning I hope the day has found you well. I’m writing from the porch today, I woke in startle this morning wondering where my life went. Then I realized I was in it, this body screams at me eachday with voice louder than my own. I begin to question the behavior of my actions wondering if I truly have any idea of what I’m doing. I do know I want to paint and write. I want to surround myself with positive people who are looking to free themselves of negative thoughts and energy. To surround myself with people who wake wondering how beautiful the day is going to be. Not those who wake in peril day after day. When we live in peril we never move forward, one spends every waking moment, doubting something in their life. Feelings of doom and deciet.. wondering who,what and why them or what’s next. I can’t do that anymore, I will not live in that cycle of broken, failures.

Every one of my failures is a flag to fact that I’ve never stopped trying to live a good life. To be a better person eachday. Yes I’ve failed many,many times for many many years. Those failings also equate to many beautiful memories. Day 3286 posted

Time to post the sad rambling of my life. Someday I’ll be free from these binds I can’t share as you stare and wonder what I’ve done next…. I tried..