Thoughts

As in gardening so in life. Never plant a seed you don’t intend to grow.

Benjamin.

My words as far as I know but I’m sure it’s been said before. Pretty much all the words have.

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Whispers..

I can hear your heartbeat in the night as your pulse begins to race. I feel the heat of your flesh and tenderness of your touch. Your voice echos in my head like a lulliby sung from heaven

Each time I dream of you I think, sadly you’ll never know the touch of my hand or feel the sound of my voice, softness of my lips or strength in touch.

Sing me a love song composed of whispers and dream and I’ll build us a life of heavenly things and gossemer strings Angels wings and devilish things. Only as your heart desires. Whispers my love become amazing things so becareful my love to which way your whispers sings.

The time of your life

Who’s life? My life? What about my life? I’ve lived beyond my wildest dreams, climbed mountains, traveled to foriegn lands. Seen beautiful once in a lifetime moments. I’ve been graced with the experience of family and friendships at every level. Now as I feel this body and mind start to faulter from their intended paths of usefulness. I watch in great fear and wonder this husk fades away, strength leaves us quick these days and thoughts have become unclear and lost at a moment’s flutter. *Refocusing 🙄

There is a certain clarity in losing ones mind and body. I know that Parkinson’s disease is or has a huge chance of ending me in x,y,z fashion. I know that as PD progresses I will become more and more dependant on others to care for me. Even now at 48-going on 25 🙄😂I have a full time carer and just yesterday was given my first anti- dementia med…..😱😵I haven’t started them yet. I’m like oh shit things are getting really exciting now 🙃🎉.

Ready for some ed-uma-ka-shun 😂 on PD

1. Top symptom inducer goes to “STRESS”

2. Runner up is Visual and auditory over stimulation.

3. Fatigue is your friend, get ready for none stop unrelenting cellular level fatigue. You’ll be so tired your bones will hurt,😘

4. Balance hold on is that boat dock I’m standing on or did some Just poke our my eye??😨 Yes you too get to experience a wide variety of balance and stability issues. Like that time when you were 8 and spun in circles until your sick… Yeah that kind of dizzy… NOW GO get UPFAST WALK.. kinda hard huh.. 😵

5. Last but not least he’s a thiller he’s a chiller but he’s not a killer it’s Dementia… But hey it’s okay you don’t have to pray. I won’t remember a damn thing anyways…. S.C.A.R.R.Y. SHITE.

And here’s the fun part for you wild and wacky people.. it’s progress.., and,….. incurable…. And 😱😱 that’s it lol 😷🤓 it’s neurological disorder but we all knew that.

So how about that, I used a ton of words and said barely anything.I think it’s strange how words work at times. When so few words an express an overwhelming ocean on depth and evoke great emotional connection, like… Dad died . Two little words, that literally change world’s.

I forgive you. I used to think I love you were the three best and most rewarding words ever.. As I’ve grown older and had more chances to make mistakes. As I’ve lived a more full life. I’ve realized or come to realize that many people in life will tell you they love you but few will say they forgive you and then stick around to grow that love you received and shared with them to anything more than what it was.

Okay. It’s 2:00 am pst I’ve been up for 22 hrs it’s time for bed. I’ve squirreled the entire point of this post so in an effective to show how PD has effected me I’m going to leave it as is. Disjointed and random lol because…. I’m sleepy. Goodnight humans and please wherever you are and whatever you’re doing please know that you are loved and cherished. I’m tired and I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lost everything I ever wanted and worked my ass off for. I wonder what would you do if everything you wanted,worked and sacrificed for over the course of being an adult was taken away from you because of something that you had no control over. No job, no family, no car, no stability, no home and suddenly you find yourself alone in a foreign country or in your home town where everyone who knew you is gone or dead, everyone you know is knew. You wake one morning to the sound of your cell alarm blaring as your back aches from sleeping on the floor, sleeping bag strewn and cold. The floor dusty and unfamiliar…. And yes you have a progressive incurable neurological disorder. You have Parkinson’s Disease. Welcome to my world.

Watch “Prince & The Revolution – Darling Nikki (English Subs)” on YouTube

Be safe and make good choices.🙏 B.