Happy Birthday

That’s all I can say in fairness. I never wanted the way thing to be the way they are. I hope you know that. None of this was ever supposed to be like this. I planned for the safety of my family, the success of us. I just never planned on doing it with my family.. I’m sorry I failed you Andersen and Isa so terribly. I wish All of us would have had the strength to be a better family for each other… I hope that life has brought back normal to all of you. Sincerely Benjamin M Prewitt. Dad, father, friend and ex-husband 😔

I deleted you today.

I deleted you today took your contacts and threw them away deleted our history our pictures to 3 years of love in friendship and what could I do. I texted I called I prayed and I waited, but all these days and I believe that our histories faded. I can’t reach out to you anymore because our history is gone everything’s been deleted so now let it be repeated once upon a Time we had a thing we almost got married and I gave you a ring little did I know you had little Emma inside . I wonder what it would have been like to see her little face I wonder who she looked like or if someone else took my place. Doesn’t matter now everything’s been deleted only the history in my head will the story be repeated. Goodbye my friend words I never thought I’d say certainly not on this fine day, but I guess as things shall be, you never really wanted the entirety of me. So now I hope when your times get bad you think of me and the things we had. Good-bye forever..

Benjamin 2020

Because it’s time to write

There is a pardox that exists between the heaven and hell that we create here in our minds. In that place where ones need to heard and the place one reaches when your ready to stop speaking to universe. At what point does the human heart mind and body reach the point where one can tolerate anymore more penece from life. This today to me is this paradoxical thing I see, this strand that exists between you and me. I wish you could feel inside my head and under what it is to feel everything and nothing at all. To have no feeling between complete redemption and utter hell beside the knowing that the lifeline I feel is millions of of eons old. The truths and that become more and more terrifying as I lose connection with this body. I wish I could explain the golden light that I see and simple truths that seem to escape everyone until it’s to late. Why is that why is it we must become so far away from the the things we think we want want most before we can see or even become the thing we are. Sadly as sit and remember a lifetime past. A cognisant life since the age one 1-2 years old gone by in this shell , trapped for so long and now I sit without the ability to to feel and at the same time feel everything at once so far beyond what human words can express… It’s like when you lose one sense others become increasingly more acute . So now imagine how it must feel to not feel hot or cold touch to see blue like you or feel hot to the touch. Where lash on back feels like a kiss on the cheek and the softest touch can bring raining fire down to hell and back racing through my body like liquid electric fire that burns burn never goes out. Imagine feeling nothing ….. But remembering the taste of blue and color of love and how pink makes cry when it burn my lips. How do I tell you I am here when red doesn’t sound like help, all you hear is hurt. Well this shell is here I’m here , I think , I hope , somewhere between heaven and hell, far past Neverland and just on the other side of candy mountain, you’ll find me there eating blue things and talking with the animals because they all now my name. Find me where blue meets you and green means everything. Because the sparkles in you your heart remind me home and the angels in your eyes sing such pretty songs.. where waterfall tears meet leather lace. A place where there is just one golden light that is created only by the giving of a soul … B2020 just a bunch of mixed up words followed by some inappropriately placed dots and dashes

The time has come

Hello . It been a while since we’ve met here. Please come in and have a seat. I’m going to put on some music and join you.

I hope you have been well. Things here in the land of Parkinson’s, prose and paint haven’t been that great I’m sorry to say. It’s been almost 10 years since I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, since then as most of you know my life as expected has totally changed. I’m not going to go into depth of the story right here right now. Please feel free to read me in my journal (s) here. Needless to say I’m as far away from the life I all my life for as I could be. It kinda feels like I’m a baby boy again getting passed around the relatives , anyhow . I’m almost 50 which is a mind trap all together because I’m pretty sure I’m like 30 something still.

Anyhow here the real point. I have started the process of Deep Brain Stimulation Surgery. Otherwise known as DBS. I will try and address as many of the questions I’ve come across here as possible.

I’m having the surgery because I’m at the point where I have maxed out my meds. The side effects of Parkinson’s medication are very very extreme. Just as extreme as the disease and just as hard to manage. After doing really the best I could would the real life support I had. **Sorry online guys I love you but the real life impact is kind void** the medication just isn’t doing its job. So the hopes are that the surgery will give me the chance to take less meds. Because most of the work of the meds will be done with 2 implants in my brain and 2 power packs implants in my chest. I’m having this process done , hopefully I can continue to be alive. The surgery is effect. The surgery on the same hand varies from patient to patient and is highly risky. The surgery will not cute my PD, it will not make me better or not disabled. But it will keep me here for a while more walking and talking.

At this point I have a Neurosurgeon, I have a Movement Specialist Neurologist, outside of OHSU and just today I got a call from the person who works for the implant company. It’s pretty cool , very science fiction.. She will and already within one phone call started to help coordinate communication between the various medical teams and people I need to go get tests from ect. Certainly not something at this point I possess the executive function to manage, but that’s a story for the journals. So in short that’s what’s up. It’s pretty terrifying to be honest to be this far along and still not feel like I have solid home. Not that I don’t love the mountain house but it again isn’t anywhere close to what I had planned. My ex wife gladly took all that away from me years ago. Honestly I thought I’d be stable by now but doing Parkinson’s with immediate family or a loving partner I’m finding is literally impossible with destroying your life. Oh and cancer I had no idea you expect. I wasn’t going to let the cancer kill me but was not prepared for the after effects the radiation and chemo treatments. From there I made some bad choices in people to take care of me . As little as I realized but I was in really really bad shape both mentally and physically. I wasn’t capable of making start choices because Parkinson’s had taken my ability to do so away from me. ***People will try and argue that I was there I knew exactly what was happening, well. I did but my brain no longer knew how to effectively, safely and in a manner that any of you out there will ever understand. When your brain doesn’t have the chemicals it simply doesn’t work right . So get educated and stop being judgemental bastards . Sorry had to vent.

So here we are 10 years later and I probably should be dead but I’m not and I’m going to give all of this one more shot. Deep Brain Stimulation Surgery. Soonish probably March, April if I’m lucky. I really don’t want the surgery in May because both my cousin, grandmother and dad all died in may plus it’s my birthday so. No jinxs. All righty then that’s about it for me. Sadly I haven’t slept today. To much on my mind , hahahah with surgery and dealing with emotions of being single still and fearful of dying alone or in one of those horrible homes , just so y’all know. I will NOT go that way. Okay?. Sad it’ll be me who decides how all this ends before I let PD put me in a home. It’s been nothing but I literal walking hell since I’ve had PD . I’ve met a number of angels though not a single one of them is beside me now. And I would never out anymore burden on my momma than I already have and since the family I made bailed …. Ya, what other choice would a warrior have . But let’s not worry about all that shit now. I’ve got to continue to gain strength for the surgery. My meds switch is being effective in some ways not in others. My clarity of judgement is a little better though my agnosia makes it impossible for me to situational perceive things correctly all the time. My body and other bits are far worse than they have been in well ten years. On that note it’s 228am pst I’ve been up for a day already and I’ve got a huge medication off appointment on Thursday… Things are sleeping up very very quickly. Before you or I know it I’ll be a robot…. That about all I have to say. Be well , take care, I love you, I miss you… And a little reminder to all those whom I mentioned in a that ranty Facebook post. Im writing a book and well, you’ll be in it.

Alway b2020

Once I wrote a word or two… Then more came to at hello.. these are for you.

Into the vast abysmal plane I cast gaze for a thousand times nine times ninety nine millennia.. Waiting, watching, wanting for something else, something, someone a soul to hold close and dear just once more.

Back from the darkest place you’ve ever been I have returned. The coldest places in the human soul past our hearts and minds, past the fluffy feel goods of our conscious mindful soul… To the places we hide in as children, to darkest hiding cubbies in ones soul. This is where I’m found , home to know one home to me…

Then a glimmer of hope.. So far away.. I dare not dream of a day this rock will bare the weight of another soul. A purpose for which I have been assembled through the years of failures and tribulations.. Yet I remain, still full of fire, still unquenchable in desire for life’s sweet embraces. Forever haunted of home…. Home, this elusive place in my heart where once I lived. I was kind and generous there. Abundance thrived and we thought we were whole.. yet I was not , I was broken beyond repair of what I knew., And I knew nothing .

Now we sit here gazing across the world and the spaces in-between wondering what do we do next. How does this door open and close , how do we not shake in fear and arresting motion for the panic of the unknown tender heart that cried for forgiveness in the darkest of rain soaked nights . Now are hearts bleed again , the low thump, thud of a angles broken heart, wings beat in the invisible ethers of the hopes hell. Waiting for forgiveness to give way to this hearts pain. Love not the beast that Iv become but the man inside that takes it eachday for I love you more than this heart could ever bare to speak in any tongue…. Good night, I hope you hear me. Benjamin M Prewitt