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The night is hardest ~ dark

The silence echoes across the landscape of this heart… The nights are more cold… A little more dark than before… This seed sprouts in spurts and it hurts…..sometimes.
Like whips and lashes in silence and slashes… Nothing hurts more than dots and dashes…
Empty eyes view the night skys as these hollow man bleeds to death. Such a sad story about a boy and his dog ……except the boy always losses the dog in the end.
And laser beams really do kill…..I wonder what pill that rabbit would take if it had half a heart and less of a lions pride.
Kings kill babies and make slaves of poets in a mind filled with fluff’ stuff and peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Such bittersweet tooth fairy tale fantasy of demon babies, kittens and a princess or two…broken promises and broken hearts make for broken people and broken dreams.
The end.

B~it’s the night…
Image credit
https://goo.gl/images/SZ6hvx

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Small things~Journal style.

Small things lay at my feet as step through life.
Small things that turn huge if not handled correctly.
Cancer is one of those things. Parkinsons to me is nothing. Love is not a small thing obviously I would imagine we all would agree. Then why if love is such a huge thing to humans do we run from its power and magnetism. We deny ourselves half of the human emotions we feel bc we think it the right thing to do then we sit and wallow in our misery and wonder what’s wrong. I’ll tell whats wrong is half of our lives we spend dreaming of things that we are to afraid of doing . Well no more I’m so tired of trusting, loving, putting faith and expectations upon the world and having them dashed upon the rocks because someone else loses faith. I can’t control nor can I worry about it. I can’t make a person love me, nor my son call return a txt like he’s not 17 lol and full of teenaged boy stuff. So I’m learning to be what I call cold hearted but I guess the rest of the world calls it self centered. It’s not easy because being a very sensitive empath I feel way to much and all I want to do is gain acceptance through service big life moment right there. But it’s true. I digress

It’s funny but for those who know me , I mean really know me. Truly see the irony in this point of my life. Me: goofy .emotional,host,counsel,very social, flamboyant even. Now…. I haven’t even used my human voice today besides to take a video. I’ve no daily companion nor weekly companionship. I see nobody, I rarely go out. I’m isolated and lonely and for those who know me know that this,
This life right here will kill me quicker than cancer lol. Fuck cancer. I’ll take my Parkinsons and hit the road lol. Today I find frustrating. I’ve a lot to do and zero energy. My pain level has been spiking at 7-8 and well I’m kinda grumpy. Tomorrow is also kind of a big day. End of life planning day. Woot ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒŠ๐ŸŒŠ yeah not so stoked about that, but really honestly as it is to talk about it needs to be done. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy is dangerous stuff and there isn’t any sure fire way to say that I’m strong enough physically to handle it. Mentally no problem, my mind has already been through living hell. I’ve faced physical death before it is what it is. But the destruction of the body is a very painful process and to get the cancer they have to destroy a ton of healthy tissue in a very sensitive part of my neck. So yeah tough day. Sore body preparing mentally for tomorrow paperwork, emergency lists,contacts. Then Tuesday…the day that kind of maybe changes everything. Pet scan. If the pet come back with just the cancer we expect then treatment will commence as mentioned in previous posts. If it comes back with more cancer in more places.. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Sit being honest with myself here as well. Sorry you have to hear these things (remember my safe place)
I’m surprised today though usually I’ve a lot of anxiety and today has been mellow. Mostly just managing the pain keeps me occupied lol. Any how thanks for the chat. What’s the opinion of a YouTube channel.? I already have one but I think I’d like to start doing video blogs. The typing with Parkinson’s is getting hard and the videos would keep my hands free. Now after cancer I might not have much of voice so being able to use a button mic might help that. Well I’m going to try and do one thing today. Th dishes ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ
I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Truly some many of you are lights in the darkness of my life I don’t honestly know if I’d made it this far without you.

Always.
Benjamin.

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A day of rest….

Hello and welcomed I don’t really have to much to say. I’m sad for the things that happened and are happening in my lifetime but what can I do right?
I don’t know, today I’m tired and bones hurt. My hips don’t even want me up long enough to do the dishes lol. Bummer. So I’m laying at home stretching like always and pondering what’s next. Dishes or naps, maybe a little of both.โ˜•๏ธ
Well I’m fading fast so I’ve gotta rest and heal up.! Eat Super Bowl
B.
A life in progress

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Old words made new. ~ As I lay me down to sleep

As I lay me down to sleep I pray The Lord my bones to keep.
Wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver thing.
Can you hear the trumpet sings how it calls and braes like wild things. Such times desire of loss mad and passions fire.
A tune of love and loss of things
Of pearls and diamonds and shiny things.
For the brace of a lovers touch a companions arm and the tender touch to ease the fire that burns this flesh from the inside out.
A simple kiss to seal the wish
That sleep…..will come to my side without the death bye her side.
Take these burdens, shakes and things.
And wrap them tight in angels wings gossamer and silver things
I give you all a soul to steal
keep it gentle for it reveals
all its hopes, thoughts and dreams
in paint and prose of complex things.
If you listen closely you can here the pipers sound coming near.

B.2016
A life in progress
** it’s always harder at night**

Here I can come write,cry,scream or sit quietly. Here is home, house is where I keep my stuff.

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Because writers write, painters paint and lovers love until the bitter end.

With such gentle touch does this flower open for a taste…
Soft silken petals wet from the morning mist….
Like waking from a warm dream
Embraced and cared for held safe and sound against a beating heat.
Such a feeling comes only from those who truly love us like the morning rain loves the sun or the leaves love the breeze. Oh to be touched deep within the heart without the fear of distrust or jealously.
Such lessons are the hardest after the mirror of innocence is broken. I search deep in my heart and soul to find the strength and love required to quiet these demon so I may stay to watch your flower grow… And bathe in its radiance and warmth forevermore.
B. 2016
I will not go quietly into the night,I will put up one hell of a fight.”
โš“๏ธ๐ŸŽจโš“๏ธ