2 day left ~ gathering strength

Here we are at the the second to last day of my treatments. The last two radiation therapy of this experience. A person I used to know once told me that cancers journey is very person and everyones experience is different . Now having lived through the experience I understand better than ever how true thy statement was.! Nobody can prepare you for this type of life experience. They tell you it’s going to get “bad” or “hard” words like “tough” are used. Sadly non of which prepare one for the very person journey of cancer. Yesterday I crossed a threshold of pain and fatigue. I had my first negative experience at my speech pathologist and then my 3rd to last treatment where I feel asleep on the table. Anyhow non of that is really important in the scheme of things. For me the hardest part is and has been these last few days. I’m not sure if it’s bc I can see the finish line and I’m letting my guard don a little and excepting how I actually feel. Most likely it’s simply a combination of the treatment and the overall weight of this experience have finally caught up with me. I’m 156 lbs and I’ve been living on protein shakes and broth for two weeks. My pain level in my throat spikes at 9-10 yes I know that’s extreme but I can’t tell how many times I’ve thought about just admitting myself to the hospital to finish this process. Honestly I’m not trying to be negative but people need to understand that just because I’ve been able to keep mostly a mentally positive approach to this experience of cancer but I have to admit it is and has been the most painful ,lonely and miserable experience I’ve ever had. Life changing to be honest. Well folks it’s shower time and get ready for this next to last treatment. Time to put on my game face and stare death in the face and say fuck you. Not now.

Much love and light.
Benjamin 2017
A life in progress

IMG_3135.JPG

24-12-2016 tales from the C-train

They say it’s almost Christmas, I find it hard believe . I’ve no tree for the first time since I honestly can’t remember. I slept until 1:39 today if you don’t count the four hours I was up worshipful the porcelain God. πŸ˜²πŸ€’ lets just say the doctors predicted of about two week before the sickness hit was correct . It’s hard to explain the reality in ones head. Not emotionally but the physical oddity of radiation therapy and chemotherapy. How it makes you feel like you’re in a fog or a huge pit super far away. Everything is clear about what’s going on around me but I’m completely removed. You could tell me it’s my birthday after I woke up and I’d probably believe you. Totally removed lol. Then there’s the pain unreal, unexplainable in real non sensational way. I just pray for those who have gone through and will go through what I am. Not to mention the Parkinson’s disease. I’m not going to go into that at all right now. Needless to say but WOW. So since its already Christmas in most of the world. Merry Christmas and blessings to all other winter solstice religious and spiritual appreciations. Namaste.
Until another day
Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”

B.2016
πŸŽ„πŸŽ„πŸŽ„

IMG_2690.JPG

Morning music and a couple words

Today day is week 2 day 3 of the adventures on the C-train. Being Wednesday its double down day chemo and radiation double punch. Please excuse if I get a little silent over the next few days. Honestly the treatments are starting to take there tolls in new and interesting ways. Without complaining lets just say it’s taking all of my focus to be present during this process. That being said I’ve got to go wrestle with a bandage dressing that must stay dry during showering. Far easier said than lol it’s definitely a two person job.
Right then. Much love and light to all. Please remember
To always. “Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.”
B. 2016
A life in progress.

IMG_3129.PNG

The night is hardest ~ dark

The silence echoes across the landscape of this heart… The nights are more cold… A little more dark than before… This seed sprouts in spurts and it hurts…..sometimes.
Like whips and lashes in silence and slashes… Nothing hurts more than dots and dashes…
Empty eyes view the night skys as these hollow man bleeds to death. Such a sad story about a boy and his dog ……except the boy always losses the dog in the end.
And laser beams really do kill…..I wonder what pill that rabbit would take if it had half a heart and less of a lions pride.
Kings kill babies and make slaves of poets in a mind filled with fluff’ stuff and peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Such bittersweet tooth fairy tale fantasy of demon babies, kittens and a princess or two…broken promises and broken hearts make for broken people and broken dreams.
The end.

B~it’s the night…
Image credit
https://goo.gl/images/SZ6hvx

IMG_2420.JPG

Small things~Journal style.

Small things lay at my feet as step through life.
Small things that turn huge if not handled correctly.
Cancer is one of those things. Parkinsons to me is nothing. Love is not a small thing obviously I would imagine we all would agree. Then why if love is such a huge thing to humans do we run from its power and magnetism. We deny ourselves half of the human emotions we feel bc we think it the right thing to do then we sit and wallow in our misery and wonder what’s wrong. I’ll tell whats wrong is half of our lives we spend dreaming of things that we are to afraid of doing . Well no more I’m so tired of trusting, loving, putting faith and expectations upon the world and having them dashed upon the rocks because someone else loses faith. I can’t control nor can I worry about it. I can’t make a person love me, nor my son call return a txt like he’s not 17 lol and full of teenaged boy stuff. So I’m learning to be what I call cold hearted but I guess the rest of the world calls it self centered. It’s not easy because being a very sensitive empath I feel way to much and all I want to do is gain acceptance through service big life moment right there. But it’s true. I digress

It’s funny but for those who know me , I mean really know me. Truly see the irony in this point of my life. Me: goofy .emotional,host,counsel,very social, flamboyant even. Now…. I haven’t even used my human voice today besides to take a video. I’ve no daily companion nor weekly companionship. I see nobody, I rarely go out. I’m isolated and lonely and for those who know me know that this,
This life right here will kill me quicker than cancer lol. Fuck cancer. I’ll take my Parkinsons and hit the road lol. Today I find frustrating. I’ve a lot to do and zero energy. My pain level has been spiking at 7-8 and well I’m kinda grumpy. Tomorrow is also kind of a big day. End of life planning day. Woot 🌊🌊🌊 yeah not so stoked about that, but really honestly as it is to talk about it needs to be done. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy is dangerous stuff and there isn’t any sure fire way to say that I’m strong enough physically to handle it. Mentally no problem, my mind has already been through living hell. I’ve faced physical death before it is what it is. But the destruction of the body is a very painful process and to get the cancer they have to destroy a ton of healthy tissue in a very sensitive part of my neck. So yeah tough day. Sore body preparing mentally for tomorrow paperwork, emergency lists,contacts. Then Tuesday…the day that kind of maybe changes everything. Pet scan. If the pet come back with just the cancer we expect then treatment will commence as mentioned in previous posts. If it comes back with more cancer in more places.. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Sit being honest with myself here as well. Sorry you have to hear these things (remember my safe place)
I’m surprised today though usually I’ve a lot of anxiety and today has been mellow. Mostly just managing the pain keeps me occupied lol. Any how thanks for the chat. What’s the opinion of a YouTube channel.? I already have one but I think I’d like to start doing video blogs. The typing with Parkinson’s is getting hard and the videos would keep my hands free. Now after cancer I might not have much of voice so being able to use a button mic might help that. Well I’m going to try and do one thing today. Th dishes 😱😱😱
I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Truly some many of you are lights in the darkness of my life I don’t honestly know if I’d made it this far without you.

Always.
Benjamin.