Things written.. page 72,345 give or take

How lucky are we to live through this life long enough to endure the pain of its beauty. Sadly though to feel every thought of everything is to much for human heart to bare. Such a nostalgic wasteland of crushed dreams and next things. A consumption of time and stuff that bogs the mind and lessons the blows of age and time and death and fear of actually loving our dreams to there fullest. How frial this human heart that can best forever if givens chance yet breaks on dime and stops at every chance to weak to furthermore this broken shell. Words…… Drip from a wounded life , a tired soul lost inside a lost souls nightmare . Heartache is what breaks the human soul. I know , I’ve seen it with my own eyes as it devours everything in it’s path until it’s gone… These words , this life of constant questions and qweery. A life spent pondering why. A life worked hard for others gone and all for what? After a lifetime pondering and wondering the world I still don’t know the answer to the question or questions to answers I’ve found. I did meet a smaller me in cancer death. We sat and we cried as the life that was died. I wonder why I had to die that day so long ago so very far away when we heard the doctors say…… It’s Parkinson’s disease….. Everything is a bit hazzy since then and cancer did as it pleased.. Does one ever recover from such loss of lives, love and loss.

**It’s been a while since I’ve purged words from my soul, so please pardon the feverish flow of getting go of things I may never know. This life is not what I thought it would be and still find moments where I look back in utter shock and awe of the choices I felt I was forced to make and that of those I saw others make in the wake of what was . Cancer and it’s treatment are mother fx#&$er . There I’m done.

Benjamin. 2020

403 reasons to live.

Enjoy it.. it seems to be the only thing my last life requires from me is money. I gave you my heart, my health and very life I had. When it came time to be a family you choose money over me. Asked ME TO LEAVE. NOT MY CHOICE. Now HERE take the very little I have while I starve to death in a home I’ll never have. 10,880.00 I hope it fill it the void that I left behind. These words may sound angry to you from so far away from my world . But everyday for the last 8 years of my life has been hard, ugly and transformative. I’ve done all this virtually alone. Parkinson’s disease daily, Cancer, Covid-19, from where I sit. On the hand me downs of hand me downs take it all you e already taken my family. Take may ability to pay for life as well… Like I said before enjoy it. Out it good use. As you do, I’ll be living in shack eating rice and beans from paper plates . Remembering the times when I was King. These days I’m broken and well aware of who, how and why. I know I’ve maybe ten years left. I know exactly what is up with this mind and body. I’ve. Watched helplessly as it’s all fallen apart Infront of me. So yeah. Hope you all are well. I.M.A you know where to find me , you have my numbers, you get to live with your choices Knowing that you not I made the choice to live a life without me and not the other way around. I didn’t leave my family. My family choose to leave me…. Enjoy the money.

Sincerely Benjamin M Prewitt aka a guy once called Dad.

Thoughtless nights and sleepless words

Sometimes I wonder with this corvid-19 adventure if it’s even worth playing the game anymore. Social isolation until a reasonable amount of people won’t die or be horribly wounded because of a rush to judgement. A year 18 months maybe longer since the last vaccine we humans made was for polio.. don’t quote me on that, it’s a tequila timeline quote. Possibly correct and possibly bullshit lol. Though I may just research it now that I’m curious. But I’m pretty sure we’ve never done an effective vaccine for a Corina virus otherwise we’d no longer have the flu or common cold. Whatever all I know is after all this bullshit I’m still gonna have Parkison’s, my kids will dislike as much as they do now and I’m still going to wake up to an empty bed , body full of pain and head full of clouds. Yay πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸ§§πŸ˜΅πŸ€―πŸ˜΅ almost at the no thanks level. As a grown up all I ever wanted was a family. I didn’t want to be a single guy running around painting and writing poetry… Well I did want to do that stuff but I wanted a family too. I suppose I could say I’m lucky to have had both a family and a chance to be the “Artists” honestly I kind thought the Dad husband part was going to last a long time longer. Anyhow, corvid-19. I’ve been sick for 21 days now with an undetermined upper respiratory infection.. But even with world wide pandemic and people literally filling up the ER rooms around the world a person in the United States of America can’t walk in and say hey I’m sick af for no reason. Can I get tested?? Nope no Sir. You’ve gotta be so fucking sick you can’t help yourself and must be hospitalized. Or know exactly who it was that have you covid19. Which BTW is almost impossible since it’s gestation period is unknown for sure …. Why? Because it’s a Novel Virus. Novel means new for those still trying to catch up. Yes it covid19 rant time. I’m over being single. Isn’t that why all these ladies have onlyfans and premium whatever chats for?? I’m weird I know I like my sex in person. My chats online , my wife in real time and my income constant lol. Is that to much to ask? Final thoughts.. Sunday night. I miss my life, my kids this new life it kinda sucks and I’m way over it. Covid19 has killed my virtually none existing sex life and I’m also kind of I’ve that too. I still have Parkison’s and right this second I’m kinda freaked out about being sick for so long with no word as to word is wrong. I really tired of being single and being percieved as being a lunatic when in reality, I’m just broken. I did good fixing most of my broken pieces from childhood but then the grown up shit started happening and that was 22 billion times worse than being a kid FML. So yeah I’m going to put my isolated, tired , grumpy but to bed. Have a great quarantine people, shame on you if your not practicing physical distancing right now. Chances are good you’re actions are directly putting someone elses life in danger. Nobody should have that rigSht without do process. Anyhow Good night, chances are good I’ll be here tomorrow. So be good, be safe and healthy. B2020 day 19/20 practicing social distancing… I actually enjoy it truth be told. Lol.. damn people are so freaking messy.

How to see straight in a tilted world …*Just thoughts 21/03/2020

I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe or maybe the world has gone mad with crazy and now only the crazy people see straight? Truly in these days of madness all I hear and see on social media is tension, disregard, disrespect, disinformation and fear. Maybe it’s a reflection of how Ii feel the world is or the ways I see myself/ yourself in some way or ways I suppose a person of perspective could ponder it for a lifetime or many perhaps.

What I do know is that I don’t really like or understand so much much of it. The hate has no place, the fear though of what is with this virus. That fear and theses changes that are happening now and will continue to happen are real. They will force so many people to the reexamination of they are and what they need in their heart and souls to survive. I tried to send a warning to so many people about corvid-19 in January and was met with jokes and jabs about being to serious or that I was will informed or somehow that the human being that I am that’s trapped in the this fucking broken ass body is somehow less of a man, human ,father or damn good friend when a friend was in need. Well to those of you I hope you listened in some small part of your brain and prepare at least your mind for what’s to come.. There are not words in our language that can express my sorrow and heartbreak for humanity right now. Millions I human beings are dying and suffering right now. I pray with words only God knows and understands forbid all. I hope that if you are effected directly by this virus that you heal with golden light in abundance. For those who are not ill but effected which is ever single human being on this planet. This for you. May we all use this universal silence to break from bad habits of judgment and failures as a humanity. To re learn to look to own houses for support, to our neighbors for kindness . Let us remember the times when what a person had was there words and actions. And to those words and actions they would be held accountable in all truths. Let relearn to love in the way that love was meant to be.. To lift up one another in honor of each other and in honor of self. Not to sound like a preacher because I know far better than anyone’s wild dreams the creature I am. We need to remember that to love is to give, to give is to lift up not for personal gain but to truly be lifted with joy of self because another human has reached a greater place in life. Be that place a moment in time, a day, a week a year a lifetime . Each encounter we have with each other as humans does not have to be met with deflection of one another. We should meet each leesin and leave each person feeling more embraced more supported than before. Imagine that. Imagine a world where each person you met only wanted the best for you. If words were simple and straight.. like how are you. How can help you. Or can you help me please. Or imagine if what it was like when you saw someone in pain and just wanted their pain to stop and they let you help and that how it feels t know that that behavior is normal… Normal like first nature. First thought should never be run, hide, fear or anger. First thought should always be how, why, what can I do to make it better . In doing this act.. Something that in truth is often something so little as writing a lost like this to world begging each of you to please listen to your inner self. To that small voice that’s buried under all this stuff that life has out between us. To use this time of universal silence as a time to grow, to heal and to relearn what the dedication of true love and kindness is like.. I don’t edit these free though form thought posts so please don’t call the grammar and spelling police on me.

We’re all this life together and I’ve never left your side (s) never will. Though things have changed and I’m not the man I ever was, I’m something far greater and far less at the same time, and I think that it’s just okay with me. Be loved I love you. Be kind, be brave , be bold and thrive in the life you have, you never know when it’s going to change but change it will. Benjamin-2020

Three A.M. and do you know where your dog is…

Two AM words that leaked from ear into the pillow. I tried to scoop them up and put them into some kind of order for you today. Be sure to chew your food. πŸŽ™οΈIn my best Bukowski reading voice.**. You must have a mental note of this voice for this poem to make sense in your inner (voice)head. πŸŽ™οΈArt is like a lonely whore on thirds street 🚬 She wakes you at 3am to get lift into town. Makes you wait while she showers then calls you Daddy until payday.. πŸ’Έ Art is fickle but I love her so , she comes and goes , knows my name well by now. At least when she leaves she doesn’t use her teeth. I’ve taught her that much. Art is fickle though I love her so, each day before leaves she sews my heart back together, pour me a drink, kisses my forehead and gives me a small small that only I know means she’ll be back, she’s sorry she can’t stay but nobody wants to watch a young fool turn into tired warrior. Maybe I’ll sleep till Christmas or maybe I’ll pour another Scotch, change the radio and dance myself to sleep. Art is fickle but I love her so…. B-2020 #iwritestuff #bukowskifan #darkart #wordsmatter #myart #myshakylife #cancersurvivor #parkinsonswarrior ##workinprogress #iwillnevergiveup #latenightthoughts #welcometomyworld #gemini #pnwartist #liveart