In time

I will find another life to lead until then this one I’ve used to death, it’s time is near. I can feel it in my bones and my soul. This heart doesn’t want this life , it’s that simple. People for the last few years have been so vocal about how strong I am , brave for going it alone, cancer, Parkinson’s the trauma of losing a family a house and my past, present and future taken from you. For those of you while been paying attention.. This adventure has sucked . To be honest I’m really just hanging out to see what happens . I’ve almost no motivation or desires for my own personal self anymore. The lack of dopamine in my head literally makes everything bland… It’s hand to explain when one doesn’t have sustained emotions and when I do they are often associated with truama. Why because for the most part since my wife decided I was not in the plan. Then 2 years with Katelyn and I split it’s been nothing but hell with moments of very brief sunshine. PD has made it so I literally can’t tell who’s on my side or not. Visual Agnosia is a horrible thing. Not understand or I should say recognizing the social warning signs until it’s to late has become detrimental to my existence. But here’s the thing, I’m not sure I really wanna live like this. No companion to keep me from making stupid choices or helping me guide through what’s left of this life. Sure soon I’ll take my final tests for DBS hopefully I’ll get in surgery as planned and I’ll be able to tell you guys of what it’s like to have two implants put permanent into your skull and zapped with electrical current. Yay, go me wooohooo ..FML

Some of you may be thinking but why be upset you get this chance to continue to live….. Yes I realize this obviously and I retort I’d say. Have you not been paying attention, what part of my life is good to the point of no return.. well let’s look.

I’ve no home , except for with friends and at 49 that’s kinda a big FAIL. I’ve no job or real prospect to make more money than I currently get and if I do 2 things will happen, if it’s Physical work, which is what the farm and gardens are. I’ll destroy my body in the process because PD and this type of work don’t mix well. 2. I’ll make enough money to have to pay a crap ton of taxes. So let’s see, constantly in pain, constantly unsure if I’m making the right choice,(even about simple stuff) visual and audio hallucinations all day everyday, freezing in place or locked in as they say, losing ones balance and mobility, tendons pulled so tight that you can ear them strum across my bones as I get dressed,walk ….

I’m not even sure where to go from here. This crap plus the normal shit all of the rest of you*us* have to deal with on a daily basis except for in my end , there are no family to help pick up the pieces and for the very very few I do have left. They have their own burdens . Aunts and uncles. I’d never put the full weight of this beast I carry on anyone, so my mom helps when she can but as many of you know ..as.much as. I do love my momma with everything I am. I have no desire to live in th desert again. If a had it my way I’d glass Arizona in heart beat just to disappear that Paula women. Anyhow I’ll die in the pnw or in a village in Europe. That the only place I’ve felt at home since PD kicked in. Canada, Scotland, England (somewhere) or Spain. So there ya go. I’m here at the bottom of this fucked up life looking up at all of you wondering how did I fall so far. Once I had a freaking epic job. 12 years in the video game and electronic field, two great kids and a fantastic wife. A huge house with some land. We had finally made it 😜ðŸĪŠðŸ˜œðŸĪŠ turns out my mother-in-law hated me so once the PD kicked and the bad medicine , followed by a fuck ton of literally the wrong medications. Remember I was under dx for two years..That’s two years of taking the wrong highly impactful brain medications that WERE THE WRONG ONES. people have met me with such harsh judgement of the last five years . But you know the saddest part of all. Is once a person doesn’t have a family. Nobody is obligated to help. Not like family, family stays no matter what, especially in cases of health. I mean really what kind of person would I be if I’d let either one of my grandmothers die alone..

Then again I guess that’s why I’m sleeping in a bed that’s not mine, with hand me down clothes and broken art supplies. No future, except for the farm and tiny house goals. But to be honest, that’s more for my housemate and his life a legacy for his family. At this point I’m tired, tired of fighting, tired of being alone and tired of trying to explain all this crap to people.. so there you go. My state of mind. And please hold your tongues on the comments. If anyone says oh it’s not been that hard or your blowing this out of proportion.. Be prepared to have me forget who you are completely..This words are not .LET ME REPEAT, THESE WORDS ARE NOT UP FOR INTERPRETATION..this isn’t a story you get assume stuff on. It’s not a fictional adventure tale. It’s my life and I’m giving you the perspective of the human who’s living it. That’s all..

B2020. I’m sure I’ll write more because this is what I have left. When your never going to get better people stop asking how you are… So this is the only way I can speak my truths and not have to burden any one soul.y photos, my writing and hoping to be able to paint a while more before I go. Who knows we shall see. On that note happy Friday for to you time keepers out there. Over and out. Benjamin

Here we are again..

Realized something this morning.. I’m broken to love and affection. After my experience with Paula in Arizona I’m not sure I’m ever truly going to be able to trust another woman again. Recently I’ve had a number of people reach out to me, Everytime something in me is triggered that senses danger and I’m ready to bail. Sadly at this point in my parkisons disease I can deceren between those who have the best or worst intent for me. Anyhow needless to say, me being triggered messing up everything seems to be the going aftermath of my life these days ,😔😔😔😔 sad really. Anyhow I’m going to paint ,write and forget about love or anything of the sort. I’m just not sure that what’s left of me after all the stuff that I’ve anything to offer anyone.

Bye, b2020 #leftbehind

Happy Birthday

That’s all I can say in fairness. I never wanted the way thing to be the way they are. I hope you know that. None of this was ever supposed to be like this. I planned for the safety of my family, the success of us. I just never planned on doing it with my family.. I’m sorry I failed you Andersen and Isa so terribly. I wish All of us would have had the strength to be a better family for each other… I hope that life has brought back normal to all of you. Sincerely Benjamin M Prewitt. Dad, father, friend and ex-husband 😔

I deleted you today.

I deleted you today took your contacts and threw them away deleted our history our pictures to 3 years of love in friendship and what could I do. I texted I called I prayed and I waited, but all these days and I believe that our histories faded. I can’t reach out to you anymore because our history is gone everything’s been deleted so now let it be repeated once upon a Time we had a thing we almost got married and I gave you a ring little did I know you had little Emma inside . I wonder what it would have been like to see her little face I wonder who she looked like or if someone else took my place. Doesn’t matter now everything’s been deleted only the history in my head will the story be repeated. Goodbye my friend words I never thought I’d say certainly not on this fine day, but I guess as things shall be, you never really wanted the entirety of me. So now I hope when your times get bad you think of me and the things we had. Good-bye forever..

Benjamin 2020

Because it’s time to write

There is a pardox that exists between the heaven and hell that we create here in our minds. In that place where ones need to heard and the place one reaches when your ready to stop speaking to universe. At what point does the human heart mind and body reach the point where one can tolerate anymore more penece from life. This today to me is this paradoxical thing I see, this strand that exists between you and me. I wish you could feel inside my head and under what it is to feel everything and nothing at all. To have no feeling between complete redemption and utter hell beside the knowing that the lifeline I feel is millions of of eons old. The truths and that become more and more terrifying as I lose connection with this body. I wish I could explain the golden light that I see and simple truths that seem to escape everyone until it’s to late. Why is that why is it we must become so far away from the the things we think we want want most before we can see or even become the thing we are. Sadly as sit and remember a lifetime past. A cognisant life since the age one 1-2 years old gone by in this shell , trapped for so long and now I sit without the ability to to feel and at the same time feel everything at once so far beyond what human words can express… It’s like when you lose one sense others become increasingly more acute . So now imagine how it must feel to not feel hot or cold touch to see blue like you or feel hot to the touch. Where lash on back feels like a kiss on the cheek and the softest touch can bring raining fire down to hell and back racing through my body like liquid electric fire that burns burn never goes out. Imagine feeling nothing ….. But remembering the taste of blue and color of love and how pink makes cry when it burn my lips. How do I tell you I am here when red doesn’t sound like help, all you hear is hurt. Well this shell is here I’m here , I think , I hope , somewhere between heaven and hell, far past Neverland and just on the other side of candy mountain, you’ll find me there eating blue things and talking with the animals because they all now my name. Find me where blue meets you and green means everything. Because the sparkles in you your heart remind me home and the angels in your eyes sing such pretty songs.. where waterfall tears meet leather lace. A place where there is just one golden light that is created only by the giving of a soul … B2020 just a bunch of mixed up words followed by some inappropriately placed dots and dashes