Such a struggle over the years to her. Keep her safe, dry and warm. Keep her watered and groomed in every fashion. Over the years I’ve found since you’ve been gone I can’t do it all I can’t make things right and I can’t continue down this path of destruction any longer. I’m setting my soul free as youve set me.
No longer will this burden be mine. This tree has grown old and cold. Brittle to the touch and tired. A constant drift wishing only if peace and security. For the love and kindness of days gone by. As we’ve grown older and more cynical we cling to the beliefs that make us comfortable in our life choices. Well what if ones wrong? I’ve learned and am learning to be open again, admit my faults when confronted with them. I am human I am guilty of human faults.
They drip like old paint from rusted can, thin and translucent. I am tired of always feeling like it’s a set back instead of a foot forward. Now this house those memories and times will fade away like all the bitter Sweet tears of the last five years….. Kismit the say and much to my dismay tis true, everything you do will come back at you.
*****Just writing, not thinking or drinking. Just writing to work out th demons. Yes the house is being sold and everyone will be done and gone. Fairyland is just a memory. I’m not what the future holds for me in this life. I keep on being stripped of all my worldly possessions, now including most of my clothes, furniture and a lifetime of memories. I’m fearful of what the universe has in store for a man with nothing but good intentions and a broken soul. I guess we shall see. 12-13-2018 is end date, I shall be gone far prior. Much love and light.
Bits and Pieces: Such wind swept nights of terror you gave me as the desert night turned to day.
I lay awake in my bunk fearing the life that has been forced upon me once again. Unfamiliar places and faces chase my thoughts and blind my vision as I give the hats I used to wear away.
No more can these fingers play. My heart is done for this day and many more to come. I have nothing to give for I have become numb. The desert is hard place, I’ve been told unforgiving and to this must agree. For it took bits and pieces of you and bits and pieces of me.
Dark eyes grow strong as the fire rages in her in brain. She’s lost a drift of bones and blood from another soul lost to her consuption of the darkness. Force fed to her from such a tender age. The blending of families and friends taking their leave of her time and again. Rage and fear so clear on her face, as the new normal set in.
So many years later, so many hearts broken, confused and destroyed by the deeds of your past. I whisper with the angels in hopes you find real peace of mind and the steady of faith like those whom truly shine of the light you crave so dearly. I gave you everything I had. My heart , my belongings and my body and soul. None of which could silenced the demons that cry from deepths of your mind and body. Your heart is to damaged for my damaged soul to heal. So now…. Now what do we do as this life’s glue has cemented me and you. What dear called angel, sugar pea of love, betrayal and dreams gone wrong in the darkness of the fears raging in the depth of our souls. Don’t be remembered as the destroyer of worlds but the giver of life and new perspective. Be the renewed gift of life the grandmothers thought you to be. All this for such sad dark eyes growing darker every day. Be the light you said you were, be the light I’ve seen the those dark eyes.
I’m being kicked out of the house in Bisbee Arizona by my would be caregiver. She’s given me zero notice to move ALL OF MY BELONGINGS FROM HER HOME. I’m in shock and not sure how to proceed. My true friends in Salem and Portland have rallied behind me and provided me with a ticket home on Friday the 28th. I’ll be staying in Silverton Oregon with a fellow cancer buddy and his wife until I move out to th farm house in Sheridan Oregon. If anyone feels generous and wishes to help, please find my PayPal link. I’m at a loss for words. I thought we were working through the transition but I was wrong. Greatly apparently I’ve been triggering miss Paula The entire time we’ve been back in Bisbee Arizona. Despite a great weekend and last week. She suffers from PTSD and apparently I’ve been “that guy” so it’s time for me to go. Very scared, very insecure. I’ve never been so far away and had someone be so unfortunately cruel. Simply blows my mind. Because even if I hated you I would still treat a person better than I’m being treated. Fuck I even gave my last bad caregiver a month to have her things. Me I e been given less than 24 hrs to move stuff it took me 10 days to pack. Abuse if the disabled and if anyone is a mandatory reporter then here you go. Abuse of the disabled at it’s finest. I thought things were fine. Stressful but moving forward… I was wrong and sadly will be paying with my very life force. Why you ask so serious????? I have Parkisons disease and for those of you who don’t understand how actually serious this is I’m sorry for you, it must be hard and very confusing to watch me go through this. And all the bullshit Parkisons disease has put me through.
Please pray I make it home safely. My house in Salem is no longer mine and I’ll be staying with friends until I can get a real caregiver and place for me to grow old in. I love and miss you all dearly. I know you have your own troubles, life isn’t just punishing me I know. To all of you who have been through this I’m sorry for your trouble. I’ve never been or felt so fucked over in my life this is a while new level of human filth and disconnection for me. I never knew ppl.coukd be so cruel.
Goodbye for now. If the good Lord and mother EarthGia grant me life and strength to continue then I shall. If not. I love you all so much and thank you for seeing this far. I have no son(he lives,but not with any contact with me) or family to go home to and a small number of friends who understand my heart is good and never would do harm. But it’s time for me to find a place to rest, to paint and cry for a long time. I’ve been fooled by people more broken by me for the last Time. My good heart is broken now. I don’t trust in God,in man or woman alike. My feels have been smashed for th last time. I can no longer trust my own judgement and I seem to keep trusting the wrong people. I’ll be back in Oregon on Friday th 28th 5 something pm in PDX
My heart is done. My love for life is fading and I live in physical and mental pain every single day. Pain lvl 7-8 but modern science only wants me to take narcotics. I refuse to!!!! Mmj or nothing. Anyhow that not related. Wish me luck and I hope that I can see you on the other side of this.
Goodbye for now.
Benjamin M Prewitt.
PS. If my mom or I can x family read this now is to to step up if you ever really cared for me.