Times in this life have grown so weary upon my heart as life bleeds out. Im tired so far beyond what these words could ever express. In any tongue you chose there is no easy way to say…… I fear for hopes heart.
How to express the hollow mans heart when everything he touches turns to dust. There is no soloace in the night when the echos of the dead out number those of the living. I sleep with ghosts with a mind on fire as the ethers of Avalon call me home for this body crumbles..
I weep like a child torn from his mother grasp again and again and again, crushed upon the floor… why break this heart of gold, why tarnish with tears like rivers flow into the tides of my life. Such small deaths to recover the butterfly kings heart and soul… This knight is done i can fight no more…… i have left my amour on the floor. By the door…. no more…i tuly have lost my heart and soul. I wished for family and lost it.. i wished for passion and it burned me….. then i wished for nothing and sadly it found me as well.
The still darkness of nothingness.. Void of heart, light, passion or love… Yet it to embraces in its nothingness as one falls into darkness for an eteriny one becomes the darkness, in its soul and hollow man heart… The dust…. I cant get the dust out of my eyes…
Pardon me for my sins. It has been million years since my last confession. B-2017 “A life in progress.”
I come here so infrequent these days. Im sorry for that. I’ve come to fear here to be honest. Here is where im the most truthful with myself and others. Here is where i bare my soul with no hold backs no filters of friendly or happy person here is where i say it all. Im afraid of my life. My left arm and leg are failing. My son is gone, lost to his mothers control and perceptions of my life and choices. Sigh….. Im so tired of this battle some days. Today was spent focusing on my brace fitting. A very positive thing yes? Kind of, if your a fix it person then yes. If your the patient not so much.. why you may ask,. Well heres the skinny. That guy and that leg calf foot… whatever he has a diagnosis. ITS PARKINSONS DISEASE and that f’ed up left leg and arm well im the guy who wakes up daily hoping that they still work i have a name and a story. Yes btw it was the radiation treatment that fried my nerves. Yes it’s okay bc otherwise it’s cancer time and i literally don’t have time to mess around with that.
Breathing would probably help i’m thinking…. so yeah its been a big day. I cherish you all dearly.
Not like anyother before it nor any after. Today i go to see a man about leg and brace for life and movement of my own. I go and face yet another emotional and physical hurdle in this life i give my leg freely to the fates in exchange for few my hours on this rock,in this cursed life. My body has never been my own not since i was child hiding in the dark affraid of the demons that wait for me. Today is like no other day. I grieve my loss and ready myself to learn a new. To learn to walk again with aid of science and with faith and fear in my heart i fear nothing for i face it straight on. I am one with this body and life i am at peace with these changes… as at peace as one can be one breath at a time.
As the birds settle against the back of my chair I’m unaware of anything around me. The sounds fade away and the tears begin to well in these eyes. This life hurts more imaginably than i can express. Such loss i feel at times is just to much. To what end is all of this madness if not my own sorrowful destruction. Why bestow such a gift of life and consciousness upon me only to make it full of misery.
Is that my task in life.. To love and lose. To strive and fail.. To achieve and have it all wash away into frivolity. These lessons of love and family and friend, loss,grief and pain am i truly just supposed to chronicle this tale as a roadmap of warnings ” Things not to do in life.” lol.
Waiting for life to settle a bit but those who know well know i dont wait well. If i have an idea or passion i need it to happen now lol 😂😂 I love completely or not at all. I feel with my whole being. I see in colors that dont exists and i speak my heart,mind and truths as i see them openly.
Today is just a day so far. Not good nor bad. I had no preconceived notions about the day prior to its arrival. Busy with doctors and specialist. I’ve been really thinking about my life lately. Cancer has a way of doing that. Really makes you think about the people and things one has in their life. Also it’s a huge reminder of the lack of permanence in our world and lives. All of this is so temporary yet as we try to thrive in these lives of ours we hold onto so much stuff. Hurt feelings and Christmas cards from years ago. Pictures of people we would probably best never seeing again and things that keep us from moving emotionally forward in life.
Anyhow just ponderings of my mind, food for later thoughts. Recap of th3 day so far.
Parkinson’s Disease recap.
Pain overall: 7
Balance:5 its okay today
Cog: 5 moderate focus 2 tasks maxs
Left side report (caner stuff)
Next very very stiff and sore. Jawbone on the right side still locking and clicking with almost all motion. Lack of r.o.m. when eating.
Neck to left arm nerve issue is still untreated large range of motion limits and still have next to no arm strength with perstistant electric/liquid fire sensations when using arm for any task.
Left leg: responsive 50% of the time. Difficulty in putting shoe on and control foot direction when walking. Extreme muscle loss and loss of strength effecting everyday tasks of standing, walking and transferring to sit/stand.