This life – Grief and it’s many sizes

As a hu-man there are times in this where one must weep, weep like one has never before. To purge the grief buried so deep I thought the rivers of tears would never cease. Today is a day like that. A day where I mourn the Lost of my family as though a terrible calamity had befell our family…. Oh that’s right, it had first came the death father . A night I will remember as clearly as I remember cutting my son’s umbilical cord the day he arrived. I looked into the soul of that child and apologized for cutting his tether. I remember clearly how panicked I was when my daughter first fell or how my heart swelled when she called me Dad, for I did not make my daughter but I loved her as my own. Still rivers of tears pour from my face . Red as Robin’s breast am I from hours of tears. I can not break these chains today. A pain only a father can feel when he has been abandoned by his family. I did not walk away I was asked to leave. Right or wrong I did what I was asked .

Then came my wife’s mother’s cancer. It was rare it was hard and mean. So was she , more so than even the cancer or I knew. Later I would come know just how much she despised me. Why I’ll never know. I gave up everything for my family willingly and freely. I was raised to be Dad. With honor, loyalty and pride.

Then came Parkinson’s disease and a drug called ropinerol. The two worst things I’ve ever experienced in my life. The ropinerol took away while the carbidopa/levadopa fueled a dopamine starved brain. My mind spun out of control and I couldn’t keep it together. I lost my family , I lost site of the goal when things changed . I lost my identity and in the path to find who I was going to be some how I lost my way and apparently my relationship with my now ex family wasn’t strong enough to last all of my days and all that came after. Since 2011 my life is literally a blur with giant blank spaces. Late 2016-2017 I don’t remember. It botherse me to no end for I lost so many friends during cancer treatment. I look at the pictures and weep as trickles of emotions seep in but no memories, nothing that sticks. Only pain, fear, numbness and more feelings of abandoned by almost everyone.

There is so much that needs be said and I’ve no one to say it to so I say here as I type this up to the tears that now have flower for hours today. Ohh man, grief is a funny thing when it hits you like a train. I have so many things to be thankful for in this life. Each day I wake in the hopes that I will someday find my way back to where my is home. To where once I feel safe and loved for it had been a long long time .

The end of something is always the start of another. May goodness and kindness follow you for all of your days

Benjamin

It is what it is.

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The world as I see it.

As I’ve grown older the world has changed a great deal. I’ve always been a watcher. Since I was a very very young boy I’ve been watching listening and most importantly I’ve been understanding the things and situations around me. Now I’m finding the one thing I don’t understand is the amount of cruelty in our world. When did it become a world of killers a world of sinners walking around in the skins of saints. House tainted with lies and demons so deep, generations of demons .

I find that each time I reach out to the world as it is, it bites me hard, I see it’s evils and I’m done with it. I’ve my purpose on this planet. You’ll have to come to me. I’m done playing games . I do not fear commitment , I fear lack there of. If you need be I’ll be getting ready for the spring and summer.

B.

What’s left after it’s said and done

Journal entry 23-February 2019
Everything in my has changed since I last wrote here. Everything is gone, from my childhood on until now. I hold a few small treasures, a torn photo, or two but nothing more. far less than Steve martin in “the Jerk”

Since 2012 when I was forced to stop working because of my Parkinson’s Disease everything has gone down hill, some my fault some not, regardless it’s a soul breaking kind of pain that only those who have experienced the death of someone one you loved with all your everything can even begin to grasp . yet I sit here and write in my journals in hopes someday someone will understand the other side of Parkinson’s disease. We always hear about the survivors stories from the caregiver perspective about how hard it is to watch your loved one wither and fail, literally fall apart PIECE BY PIECE IN FRONT OF YOU. it takes a special person share that journey with, someone I’ve yet to meet. Someone whom may not even be. Since last I wrote here I’ve had cancer its treatments and am currently two years cancer free and battling a huge host of health setbacks because of the treatments and how they relate and have effected my Parkinson’s .

The new wave of anxiety and depression has risen far beyond what I expected. It’s always such a trip to experience a panic attack full bore that has your heart racing and mind spinning all while standing there trying to hold your shit together ordering coffee. Or my favorite is when I’ve been in stage 7-8 pain for weeks straight and someone asks how I’m doing, and all I can do is say oh ya know a little stiff, sore lol ya know PD ha ha. when in the real world I want to scream at the top of my lungs and say please stop the pain, stop the mental torment and emotional rollercoaster hell of Parkinson’s disease. bring back my kids and wife, the life…. But then I also think. I’m the one alone, not them…. They have money, luxury, freedom and are free of me, their biggest burden and if I was meant to be then so be it. Anyhow I’ve lost my point and focus. I’m not going to write this anymore today. I think the hardest thing about watching this happen to my life. I feel helpless to stop or change how the world perceive me or how I perceive it. Again I find my mind wandering. summation of ten years of Parkinson’s , it sucks, I live in pain and a constant state of numb to on fire both physically and emotionally. I made the personal choice to not use anymore pharma narcotics for pain about two years ago I’m glad I did but man has it kept my pain level high 6-7 always I wake stiff as a board and stretch for 3 hrs. before I get out of bed. almost everyday. up at 3-4AM out of bed making coffee 6-7am back to sleep at 10am lol. really though, truth. because thinking and processing emotions has become more and more directly attached to my physical body, AKA advancing PD simple tasks that one normally does cause me fatigue. like real just ran a flight of stairs tired to put the dishes in a cupboard above my should height or folding laundry lol the worst arm strain ever and muscle failure. like right now my right shoulder is cramping to the point where I need to be done. writing.
please know I love you all dearly. I am lonely and I am in great pain but I think that this is just my life, it has never been easy for me, I worked hard for everything I’ve ever lost or had taken from me. thanks for listening over and out journal entry completed.
Benjamin 2019