I can not give what I do not have and I do not have what I have not been given.
Love is lost in me these days my eyes have become blind and my heart numb to the touch of another soul. For I fear that all of me will be lost again. I love to love but my fear has grown to where I doubt I doubt that I am worthy of love. What deeds have I not paid for with blood sweat and tears in this life time. I did not come from a silver spoon, I’ve scraped and scrapped to get what I had. Now only to find in my dreams and fading memory.
Love, this beast of burden I fear more than cherish yet the still inside, a small boy longs to be held. It’s been to long.. The road to hard to bare alone.. yet alone I stand judged and cruisified before Ive even begun to live a life for me. These bones are tired of games tired of the challenges of youth. Ive learned to accept what it is for what it is, sadly a little to late for what was. Now I’m left with nothing but time thousand,thousand years of sleep. Dreaming of what adventures lay in waiting to raise me once again from these patterns of life.
So live for today. I’m happy yet concerned to say I don’t need to get hip surgery right now. Unfortunately that doesn’t solve the debilitating pain I’ve been in. Hip doctors say we need to look at the back and that it’s most likely simply the progression of my Parkisons disease. Wish me luck. Sending much love amd light out to all.
As I lay in the dark and think of my life as movie I’ve watched over and over a thousand times. I wonder to what end is all this suffering. To what end do we stop causing all this chaos in our world. I have a reached a point of no return as I slowly reach for the Stars again. Sadly I should have to ask in this day and age my I please be happy again. May I please be forgiven my o please learn to forgive myself for the deeds of my life and forgive those for the deeds of theirs.
Finally freedom is born of suffering and loss. The learning that truly you do make your reality in this life. Unfortunately it takes a life time to learn how to master. A warm bed, a full stomach and the feeling of safety are in valuable. Unmeasurable by all standards. For me it is things of family I don’t not speak of any more. Mine has left me though I try in vain as I reach out to the vast emptiness in the ethers. Where are you my son, my daughter my old friend. Day dreams at dawn as I watch my world change. As a man who has had to go places in the darkness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy just to survive the night as cancer bore down upon me. Or as I woke from the nightmare that it was to what it is after the fight pauses to change form. I come home to this shaking shell of man. Breathes deeply….. As my mind races. These emotions of dreams, of wishes for a real life again a born again. Fearful for they have been chewed up and crushed to dust…. Life in it’s beautiful art of nature has taught me this. With that dust that my past has become I have been given the gift of choice. As I have been given the gift and burden of words, paint and deep emotional human connection I become the sculpture of this new begining. I require so little. A tiny house, a beautiful view, someone to love and hold onto as these days come pass. For they shall for all of us regardless of form, shape or size. It’s time for me to go know. I’m taking back my life. I’m going to paint the world the colours I see it. To the world as I knew it, I miss you I love you so much. But I am a better man I’m my heart and soul than I have ever been. I will never give up. Remember this should you ever find me again. Every day is a battle between who you are and what you want to be until you become comfortable with whom you are.
I’m a sick with grief and sorrow today for I miss the things of my past. A gentle kiss or kind hand. A soft whisper without a hurtful hint of venom or distrust. Yes, I am broken. I spin like a top out of control, but I am real, I here. I am me underneath these shakes and quakes. Behind this fog that keeps the truth and simple things from me. That hides the common behind a ten billion thoughts a second. I can bare no more. I hate that you left me when you knew I was hurting, breaking inside and trying as hard as I could to climb free of this dying shell.
Now I am worse than before you found me . Hear that loud and clear. Let that sit on your tongue and rot in stomach is it does mine everyday.! I wake to this rotting corpse, daily I am more broken inside and out because of my time with you. The cost of your love, of life not the money we burn, but the life we lead and memories we keep. How we treat those and how we try to make amends for our sins shows who we are. Let that speak loudly . I’m hurt today.
I feel deeply and passionately about life. Now I’m done with this rant of pain and spilled words. I’ve got to go be cut open . Cheers .
1 for old papers that showed I was here.
2 for loved ones that I held most dear.
3 for the shoes for I have just a few.
4 for the memories of just me and you.
5 for the kids thing one amd thing two.
6 for the neighbors think I’ll them two.
7 for paintings and things I’ve collected
8 for sorrow and things I’ve neglected
9 for pain and things that I’ve hidden
10 for sins the I’ve committed may I be forgiven.
Ten totes that’s all that I be,
Ten totes that is what’s left
when I’m done being me.