This and forever more

In to this heart I’ve poured more dust than sunshine over the years, more coal than diamonds a sand storms of soulful woe and heartache.

Into this heart does the demon of hurt and regrett live deep deeper than any human should have to bare. A horrid monster indeed, such hate lay seeded in this heart of the hollow man. Raging hate for this form I’ve become,. a monster of fate and the wicked wicked hands of the devil him self.

Rage harder! This soul shall! Forever more rage against this darkness… This demon of hate that rips the light from the day before a weeping child..I shall not give heed to this darkness anymore for it has darkned this soul enough. I shake with the earth not against it.. Here this heart cry out in pain and woefully joy to rejoice in each day as if were his last…… As Forever do the ravens sing in bliss as this day turns to knight.

The end..

Benjamin-2017 #myshakylife

“Be brave,be bold and thrive in the life you have.”

The heartache of a wolf and the moon.

Twas only the night before they met in eachothers arms or so it felt. For thousands of years in heartache and wandering this lifetime. I’ve seen the faces of old friends change for a lifetime now. I’ve loved and lost more times than the stars have called my name home,..yet I continue to trust her fates. This mother earth who cast her child out to cold streets of life. Cigarette burns to prove the pain never mattered……. hush my beloved wolf!! Spoke the moon… You are breaking my heart for as I drift of love i am always and forever caught in your gravity do I not swoon eachday and night for our return. This moon shines softly upon this wolf but not this day of this story in a life of lifetimes. 

These rambling ramblings of twisted tounges and tongue twisters give not a hollow man’s heartache a bath in soulful joy but simply the reminding of a life a drift in a sea of pain and paint. Lost in words and want. A golden childs heart broken-down, wings clipped and bound by chains of man. 

Fear, I’ve always ran to you. I was the boy who looked you in the eye as you ate him alive. You told me to be strong and I was.  I never stopped working on being the man I was on become. … Is he me or am I he said the mirror to the mirror of mankinds soul. I’m not sure said he, maybe we shall just watch a see.

Thanks for bearing with me on this dump of small black dots. As you may have guessed I’m tired and worried about to much stuff. I’m unhappy with my life at times.  It’s fucking hard recovering from cancer and it’s 9 billion times living with Parkinson’s disease after having cancer.  I have to say from me to you it bloody well sucks and I highly DO NOT RECOMMEND IT. Caught in is loop of wanting to come home but not knowing what that means anymore or what it looks like. 

Anyhow thank you for listening to the rants of a dying man or a man who feels hollow inside. One in the same I suppose. 

Benjamin 2017 “A life in progress. “

Letters unwritten

Times in this life have grown so weary upon my heart as life bleeds out. Im tired so far beyond what these words could ever express. In any tongue you chose there is no easy way to say…… I fear for hopes heart.

How to express the hollow mans heart when everything he touches turns to dust. There is no soloace in the night when the echos of the dead out number those of the living. I sleep with ghosts with a mind on fire as the ethers of Avalon call me home for this body crumbles.. 

I weep like a child torn from his mother grasp again and again and again, crushed upon the floor… why break this heart of gold, why tarnish with tears like rivers flow into the tides of my life. Such small deaths to recover the butterfly kings heart and soul… 
This knight is done i can fight no more…… i have left my amour on the floor. By the door…. no more…i tuly have lost my heart and soul. I wished for family and lost it.. i wished for passion and it burned me….. then i wished for nothing and sadly it found me as well.

The still darkness of nothingness.. Void of heart, light, passion or love… Yet it to embraces in its nothingness as one falls into darkness for an eteriny one becomes the darkness, in its soul and hollow man heart… The dust…. I cant get the dust out of my eyes… 

Pardon me for my sins. It has been million years since my last confession.
B-2017                                     “A life in progress.” 

Once upon a time.. Take 749 

I come here so infrequent these days. Im sorry for that. I’ve come to fear here to be honest.  Here is where im the most truthful with myself and others. Here is where i bare my soul with no hold backs no filters of friendly or happy person here is where i say it all. Im afraid of my life. My left arm and leg are failing. My son is gone, lost to his mothers control and perceptions of my life and choices. Sigh….. Im so tired of this battle some days. Today was spent focusing on my brace fitting. A very positive thing yes? Kind of, if your a fix it person then yes. If your the patient not so much.. why you may ask,. Well heres the skinny. That guy and that leg calf foot… whatever he has a diagnosis. ITS PARKINSONS DISEASE and that f’ed up left leg and arm well im the guy who wakes up daily hoping that they still work i have a name and a story. Yes btw it was the radiation treatment that fried my nerves. Yes it’s okay bc otherwise it’s cancer time and i literally don’t have time to mess around with that. 

Breathing would probably help i’m thinking…. so yeah its been a big day. I cherish you all dearly.

“A life in progress.”


Not like anyother before it nor any after. Today i go to see a man about leg and brace for life and movement of my own. I go and face yet another emotional and physical hurdle in this life i give my leg freely to the fates in exchange for few my hours on this rock,in this cursed life. My body has never been my own not since i was child hiding in the dark affraid of the demons that wait for me. Today is like no other day. I grieve my loss and ready myself to learn a new. To learn to walk again with aid of science and with faith and fear in my heart i fear nothing for i face it straight on. I am one with this body and life i am at peace with these changes… as at peace as one can be one breath at a time.

 Benjamin “A life in progress.” 2017