This day

This day has no name for it shall never come again. It was a hard day maybe one of the worst or maybe just one of many I guess only time will tell.
This day came again and it had no name for it was something that I had to do… It was time frozen in a heart locked in box put away by boy a long….Long time ago.
In this frozen space a place where all was forgotten he kept a small piece of himself hidden away. Lost for all to find. This was his hope his dreams forever locked away.
In this heart a box in this box a heart always locked never to show again the true true. Has his story of love been written so many times and in so many ways that the ending has no choice but look the same…..
This day came and it looked like no other. The small boy moves so slowly to open this box again to once again read the story that had been told a thousand times in a thousand languages for a thousand thousand years.
With trembling hands and heart the child opens this box of hardwood and craft, built of fire and hell, scribed by demons and angels alike. He pulls a scroll from this place of trust and naivety and with a whispered breath speaks one word……
The End.
“Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have”™


Science time: 101

Once upon time in a land far away I didn’t have a care in the world… Ha. Right,  me not sensitive 😂😂😂 I’ve always been sensitive who I’m a kidding.

      “so many questions.”
      acrylic and ink on masonite.
      2012. Parkinson’s series.

      SCIENCE TIME :101

      Stage three is a tad ambiguous so I’ve included a list of symptoms. Keep in mind that in stage three things get silly (not a medical term 😂)  the symptoms are often noticeable and strong being made worse by physical and emotional stress. Though often in this stage symptoms vary greatly.                   List of symptoms 

      And finally the last stages 

      The kicker with Parkinson’s disease is that a person can can often be in any stage for any amount of time or skip a stage at random. I could have 1 day or 100 years left on this planet lol.  Sadly no cure exists for Parkinson’s disease. To be honest from a young man’s perspective MY OWN diagnosed at 41 currently 46 its a fairly terrifing disorder. It changes you, physically, emotionally and cognitively. It often alienates friends and loved ones. It has a divorce rate of 85% *those married prior to diagnosis* and well is simply pretty brutal. So please help spread awareness. Parkinson’s disease can happen to anyone at any age at any time.

      Always B. 2016 “A life in progress.”

      Sneak peek at Pearls of wisdom in a sea of fire. Coming soon 


      Lifting the veil.

      There comes a time in every life where one faces the thought of mortality. It may be of their own, your parents or child. But that time will come and when it does it will be as heavy as it is. Each person has a personal perception of what they can carry, which of lifes burdens can be carried and which can not. Some things that have been on my mind as of late. The weight of being or not being. The weight of choice or not choosing. The realities that these choices or lack there of do effect,some that are personal and go unnoticed by everyone and some that are drastic and get judged by the world. 

      Lifting the veil:

      There was a time when I stood behind you
      blindly and watched the world from the safety
      of your comfort.
      then life came and took you away
      showed me the truth in my life
      and the lies of my past.
      forced me to be a man amongst men
      yet as but a boy i failed to see
      what the world would be.
      if i was you and you were me.
      what choices would you make
      just where would your heart be?
      As a child the fever came for me.
      it took my breath away gave me the madness
      that dwells deep in my soul.
      no child see deaths face so soon and closely after
      just being kissed by angels without getting a little burned

      it feels as though god has been trying
      to take me back home for years.

      *what kills you makes you dead
      and the rest just makes you tired.
      sorry to let the truth show.*

      I write from a very unforgiving place a place of no color ,just baited breath. who will go next, who will, what will, why did and how come. these are words ive learned to master yet never understood the reasons why.

      why do we self make such heartache of this life
      these mortal choices meant to enrich this paradise planet of
      human experience. Of love,laughter and everythinig inbetween.?

      We  become trapped behind this veil that steals time and changes
      perspectives as the wolrd spins.
      once i woke up from a dream i had.
      i was healthy, i had a family that loved me, two cars and cats.
      there was a job and friends, bbqs and swim lessons, first overnight gitters
      and sleep-overs filled with fun.
      there was gradutations and salutations
      then the veil was lifted on us all.
      the world was still spinniing so much time had gone by
      where oh where did all of those years go dear god where AM I NOW…….
      THEN I WAKE…. its cold in this house, ghosts live here with me .
      ghost from my past, present and future meet here each day to cast
      sufferage upon this mind….
      ive only tasted bliss once…
      it tasted sweet like the sunshine should just as loves embrace kisses the morning dew.
      then all was gone….. the spell broken. time lost.
      the veil had been pulled and eachday counted more than the next.
      Eachday  a gift of sorrow filled joy. Each Day  a moment in time never to come back
      oh if for once i could just rest my head and heart at the same time. then maybe all of this
      nightmare of lifes trials will make sense in some strange and twisted way. 

      Perhaps some penence for
      misdeeds in a life forgotten but debts unpaid?
      so many question.So little time. 

      The end.

      benjamin 2016. 


      Waxing poetic and a whole Lotta extra words… 

      Eachday we are given the gift of choice. We are given the opportunity to wake and say “I will!“ and “I won’t.” to create our lives as we see fit. Yet as we travel through this life we pick up from our experience things such as fear or love, hope and dreams. We are taught and told as children to laugh and feel, to love, talk, dream and explore……. 

      Then life happens, disconnect, the abuse, bullies, body shaming and conflict that exist in every culture and the everyday human experience. Most of us grow up and lose site of our dreams and goals of true happiness. The pure ones we had as children,  the dreams unbridled by the weight of doubt or fear of failure. I wish to God that I could get back to that place of freedom. Freedom from judgment, freedom of the feeling of failure and disappointment. 

      In some small way I have to admit that I have found that place though. I found it and lost it a few times in this life. So I guess the point is to never lose hope and love in your hearts. Life ebbs and flows in ways and reasons that people far more wise than I can’t figure out so I dare not interject supposition. But I will say this Parkinson’s has shown me that if YOU, I,  do not live this life each day to the fullest of your hearts desires that it simply won’t happen.  One must not live in fear of self or fear of others. If we do then one has instantly and willfully give power of self over and stopped living or being the best “me”  you as possible. 

      Sorry to ramble off track.  I’m supposed to be in Portland today doing neuropsychologist stuff but she’s sick. So guess who gets to be Benjamins shrink today……?  You guys lol.  No…  Actually not.  I’ve since decided to not share #realtalk life shit (relationships stuff) anywhere anymore.  Sadly here on this topic I have to be hypocritical as I normally encourage free speech of all kinds. But to much damage has been done to me and through me by social media on this subject.  So I’ll chat and write about everything except. My deep personal relationships. It’s sad but ultimately a necessity. I’d hope to have this place be safe so the world could see what PD can do to a real human life. Not Michael J.  Ali or Brian Grant. All cool dudes I’ve met with and (not Ali) spoke to about PD but not true examples of life with PD sick or not these folks live “padded” lives. Again oops I’m off the rails today with a sick shrink today. Okay alright some Waxing poetic… 

      Words :The light in your smile and tears in your heart always drew me in. The fixer, mentor, empathic friend and lover I’ve been in this life. Yet today I feel bare to the world,  racing hearts beating beats faster each moment thinking about the future of the future of me. I love to love and I fear the shadows in the darkness as much as any other. But each day I raise my sword and shield. I  reach for your burdens both of youth and cancerous disconnect. I’ve tried with all my wisdom and fortitude to the right thing time and again yet this atlas of human guise grows so weak and tired of the fight. I have not the heart to fight for words not my own. I give what and I have yet I fear this tree of life he been picked bare. Do you want this husk of a man you once new but saw a defect free. Now you’ve seen me, tasted my heart and soul looked into fears lining the lonely eyes of madness and seen my true fearful childish self. Do not hasten with judgment nor disconnected heart. But reach deep, more deeply than ever and choose to live by the heart or love by the mind either way I choose to live time and time again. For know these are the lost and rambling thoughts of a man driven mad by love,  a broken heart and dreams sacrificed for a life never seen to its fruition. Now I write soon I will paint and sleep. Then it will all happen again. Each and Every day. So if you,, I, he, she, me, we, them are not living the life you need, change it. I’ve wasted so much of my life living in worries and regret,fear of living in the moment because I was afraid of the future. Paradoxical isn’t it. Any how.  The End. 

      B. 2016                                                     “a life in progress.” 

       (the moon, a tree and the fire in me.)  Autumn Song. 8×10 inks and acrylic on canvas. Nfs. *PS that k you Mari for finding the light and hope in this piece, you saw its hope and I saw its hurt. Thank you for giving me an optional perspective. 

      Cheers b.